finally home

I'm taking the leap. It is overwhelming and scary and huge... but I feel fine. I'm not in any of this alone.

boy i hear you in my dreams / i feel your whisper across the sea

It has been a habit of mine for the past couple years to assume that everything ends. And, because everything ends, I assume that there is no point in making a beginning. This mentality made for some really miserable days and some unbelievably magical ones. I wouldn't change a thing about any of it. The tears and the smiles were all worth whatever struggle they came with. But... (yes, there is always a but)


i keep you with me in my heart / you make it easier when life gets hard

I'm not dooming this with an end. I'm thinking as far to forever as I possibly can. Granted, for me forever right now could be anything from a day to 50 years; I'm not exactly stable. Luckily, he knows. He has known for a year. He has waited for me to be ready. He's put in more effort than I know, and all based on his belief that I'm worth it. I don't even know if I'm worth it. For some reason he does, and I can't explain how different that feels. He understands that I'm volatile and not exactly all in one piece, and for whatever reason, he's willing to deal with that. He wants to deal with me, wake up to me, flaws and all. For the foreseeable forever.

as the world keeps spinning round / you hold me right here right now

While I'm moving, and starting new jobs, and crying in my room at night over the uncontrollable loneliness I've come down with, he's there. For better or for worse.
Please don't let me screw this up.
L

*lyrics from Jason Mraz and Colbie Callait's Lucky

the view from here

All I can hope for is someone to love me. I want that love to be as I imagine it-- a little bit selfish, but undying; all mine, committed and proven; safe, but not the easy way. I want him to be who I call on my way home for the night, although I need not spend every night with him. I want the honeymoon phase, but I want it to last the rest of my life, not just a really intense 3 weeks of perfection. For all normal purposes, I have unreasonable standards.

I just want someone to say to me... 

I tested the grass on the other side. It was a let down. I remembered what it was like to be ignored and to battle for passive attention. I want the attention to be mine, all mine, all the time. I don't like having to fight for it. And knowing I've been passed off to a wingman is just not something I can handle. I need the alpha, and I need to know that I'm the alpha. But there is something to be said for hopping to the other side. It is a potent reminder of how wonderful your side is.

I'll always be there when you wake... 

As far as I can tell, he wants me. He wants to love me in a somewhat selfish way, that is mostly for me but entirely for him. He is happy to see me, to talk to me, to know me. He might even need me if he'd let himself think so. (And he won't. I wouldn't. Can't blame him.) We are both stubborn and self-assured. We both want to be right, and we both win our arguments. We should clash instantly, but he lets me slide for being me. He likes me for being me. Me. This is new and unusual ground. I'm talking more about myself than about him. I'm more challenged by his appreciation for me than by his disregard for me. It is new territory. He likes me more than I like him. But every glance to the other side reminds me that I like him more than I admit that I do.

So stay with me and I'll have it made. 

Whether I want to admit it or not, I have really hit something good here. Now lets all put our heads down and pray that I don't fuck it up.
I have such a tendency to fuck things up.
L

*Lyrics from Blind Melon's No Rain 

prepare for the let down

Wanna feel bad about yourself?
No?
How about feel great for 20 minutes, pumped, excited, invigorated, psyched about all the potential there is in the world and your future?
Yes!
Okay. That followed by feeling bad about yourself?
Eh, sure.
GO TO THE MOVIES.

It is entirely too common for me to leave a movie theater feeling unbelievably good about life. I call my mom and thank her for being so amazing. I call friends and tell them how awesome I think they are and how much fun I have with them. I promise myself I will finish my projects. I promise other people that I will finish projects. Not by some future deadline, no, I will do it today! I'm on it! I'm feeling GREAT about life!
And then I get home, sit in front of the TV, and realize that the chick in the movie did amazing things in a 2 hour time span, and in the next 2 hours all I will accomplish is maybe finishing what's left of my movie-large diet coke.

Moral of this story is don't get too sucked into the movie-excitement. They play those songs that get you feeling feelings and promising promises, and dammit, you didn't make $200,000 like the chick on screen did. You paid at least $5.50. Enjoy the psych, but save some diet coke for the let down. It's hard to handle both losing your sense of impending accomplishment and running out of soda.

Trust me. I promise.
L

punching people in supermarkets

I talk a lot. But when it matters, I do not talk enough. Instead, I act out in my own special ways. I feel like I'm out of control. Okay, I have command over my living situation. Over my money. Over my job. But the issue is that I have no control at all over what I say under the influence of affection. I have no control over myself when faced with monogamy. I'm up, and I'm down, and I'm happy, and then I'm all over the place. And since I have no apparent outlet for the fear welling up in my mind, I rebel wherever I can find the opportunity. 

But I love you more than words can say

I can't count the reasons I should stay  

It seems entirely too possible that the reason I can't trust anyone is because I don't think I could trust myself. I don't mean to hurt anyone, but I end up punching people in supermarkets far too often. (It's a metaphor. Root: Parenthood. Watch it on Tuesday nights.) I can't find a way to rationally express the fear/anxiety/weakness I have in and around relationships, so I subconsciously try to sabotage them. I don't realize what I'm doing, or I do and I don't do anything about it. But if I'm fighting it, then maybe it is meant to be fought. 

I can't count the reasons I should stay 

One by one they all just fade away

This time I'm not going to be able to fight my way out. He has waited for me. And he will wait for me. And he is genuinely interested in being committed to me. Me. And I'd be lying if I said that was easy to understand. That puts on a lot of pressure. It is a wonderful thing to be reminded that I'm worth something to someone, but all that build up makes the fall so much further when I mess it up. I have to be better than myself. I have to be stronger than myself, more capable than myself, more reliable than myself. He knows me, he knows me well, and he puts up with my idiosyncrasies. No questions asked. Generally when I screw up, he smiles like he knew it was coming, kisses me and says something reassuring. Because he does know its coming. He does know me. So he has to know I'm having trouble with all this. But for the life of me I don't know how to put it into words. 

I've got to figure it out. And stop trying to ruin everything good that happens. 

One by one they all just fade away

But I love you more than words can say 

I can't just go around punching people in supermarkets. 

L

*Lyrics from The 88's At Least It Was Here

if, then

I had a conversation with someone at work the other day about girls who feel the need to check their man's text messages. My overall feeling is that if you need to check their texts, there is no trust, and the relationship is over. Done and done.

In high school, I checked texts. I moderated phone calls. I was that girl. 

And that relationship ended in a long, drawn out, overly public, powerfully painful way. My ignorance to the importance of trust led me into years of crying myself to sleep-- which led to some really excellent writing, but thats another discussion. 

With J, I did not check texts. I was suspicious once, and that passed. Trust prevailed.

And that relationship ended in one quick blow followed by 2 uncomfortable weeks of packing and uncertainty. We were a rock in the trust category, but it still ended up down the drain. (Interesting that our break up took place in a bathroom? I don't think I've ever fully thought about how funny that location choice really is.) 

Checking a text on C's phone is what ended our official relationship. It would have ended no matter what I found; the fact that I worried enough to check was reason enough to end it. But I found something I didn't want to. 

And that relationship officially ended in a splash of tears. Yes, we dragged out the together-not together saga for a year after, but the titles on the relationship dropped that night. If I don't trust you, there can't be any title that says I do.

So far we've learned that whether or not I check texts, the relationship ends. As a general rule, the relationship lasts longer when I do not check texts. Trust is a solid foundation. 

And now I'm in the beginning of a situation: Tonight, just for a minute, I wanted to check. I didn't, and I'm not going to; nothing is that important. But I worry that there is something there. I worry because I know for a fact that I sent him texts at one point that were a worry for someone else. And if my texts were reciprocated then, what's stopping him from answering someone else's similarly relationship-threatening texts now? 

If once, then always. 

Once, always. 

Done and done. 

L

sleepless

I think I'll know when I find 'the one'- or at least the next real thing- when I stop thinking of C as I'm trying to sleep.
(Until then, thank you for giving me such difficult sleep cycles. It certainly is hard to get to sleep while I'm thinking about missing you, but the dreams are awfully wonderful.)
Sweet dreams.
L

freaks come out at night

Halloween on a Sunday means 3 days of Halloween. Friday: work Halloween, club/dancing Halloween. Saturday: day 1 Halloween hangover, party Halloween, pub crawl Halloween. Sunday: day 2 Halloween hangover, football Halloween, children's Halloween.

I dislike so much about this holiday. I strongly dislike the word Halloween (possibly because I've typed it so many times in the past minute?). But mostly I've just always hated being scared. This whole holiday is about embracing fear-- walk into a maze made of thick wheat where no one can hear me scream or find me to help? sure! go into a dark house where nightmares jump out at me in an effort to make me cry? of course!!-- and I'm just not the type to go along with that. But, I am not the one to fight a good time. I celebrated the holiday this year, like most, with the best of them.

I faced quite a few fears Saturday. 3 were noteworthy:

1. My costume. I dressed as my worst fear. I was a very subtle, non-threatening version of said fear, but I did it. I made myself into a dinosaur. And wouldn't you know it, as I'm walking down the steps from my front porch, my first official act after putting on my dino-sweatshirt and dino-shoes was my misguided step onto a snail. Killed the poor thing. Really just reaffirmed my fear- dinosaurs will kill anything smaller than them. Fear faced, and still firmly in place.

2. Talked to C. I haven't talked to him in about 2 months. I let him fall off my radar, and I fell off his. For the better, as you'll all agree, since that relationship was literally drug-like. Early in the night, a bar was showing a movie that was one of C's favorites. I texted him to say hi, and that his movie was on. We chatted on and off the rest of the night. I am proud to say that I did NOT get into a cab to go see him. I did NOT invite him over. I did NOT ask him what he was doing later, tomorrow, this week, ever. And I don't feel like I need to. I had a friendly, platonic, non-confrontational interaction with one of the loves of my life. Fear faced, and conquered.

3. Commitment issues, like whoa. I scare easy, in the corn-maze way and the relationship way. This weekend brought it out in me. I was looking for sneak exits in every establishment. Never took a sneaky way out, stayed with who I was there with, but WOW did I feel my mind scoping for escape routes. (Maybe that is what urged me to text C in the first place?). BUT I didn't run. Still here. Shaking in my boots and definitely more a flight risk now than ever before, but still here. Fear faced, and acknowledged.

To summarize: I'm afraid of dinosaurs stepping on me. I can still love C, but not be a raving lunatic clamoring for his attention. The thought of being tied to anyone makes me literally want to run away.

Facing fears doesn't always mean conquering them. Unfortunate, cos I'm just going to have to keep facing them until they go away.
Maybe just once a year, though.
L

literally biting the hand that feeds

I cancelled another date. It's becoming a serious problem. 9 out of 10 times this doesn't bother me, because once the date is cancelled I rarely have to see the guy again, other than the random run-ins on J street on drunken Friday nights, but this time it is one of those exceptions. An exception that I fall into more often than I'd like.
I can officially say "Oops, I did it again."

Since I've been single in midtown, I've gotten attached to quite a few watering holes. Ahem. I've gotten attached to one spot at a time. What makes me leave one pseudo-home for the next one? I tend to date the help. Or, as is my way, make dates and then cancel them, and in order to avoid awkwardness, find a new place to hang out.

This was my first venturing outside of the "bartender"type. The date I cancelled this week was with an executive chef! I thought by getting out from behind the bar I might be making a step in the right direction. The though has merit... but my follow through is severely lacking. There goes my late-night-taco stop, my mid-afternoon-burger joint, my Sunday-funday hangout. I'd rather find a new bar than deal with that awkwardness.

From now on I only date make dates with people who work in bars I severely dislike. Thats the right moral to get from this story, right?
...right?
L

push

Today I was told that I date like my mother. This was intended as a compliment. 

There are so many nice, good, quality guys out there that I've shut down because I'm quick to judge and committed to my decisions. Not second guessing myself, not at all, but wondering why there are so many nice guys I don't want, and so few that I do. 

Can't push away someone who is already running. 

Running toward...?

L

just one piece

Thought it was over, didn't you. Sorry for the tease.

You've already broken my heart 

Made huge steps this month without you. Pictured life without you and survived completely. Was pretty sure you were gone for good. I mentally started packing our memory box away for closet storage. All I needed was closure. Give me back my keys and make that graceful exit I know you can make.


I'd like to keep at least one piece 


Seems like you can't go quietly. Content to let me fidget and forget and force moving on, but then you sneak back under my skin. It wasn't difficult. You didn't need to be a magician. I could've used some powers to shield myself, but we both know I can't fight the cravings once you wake them up. And somewhere between sunset on Friday and 4 am Sunday- Hello Sunshine.


You can take all that you want 


Wasting no time. You work quickly when there's something on the line, something at stake. Wonder what it is this time? We're starting again like the first time- like the very beginning. Flirting in text messages from completely separate geographic locations. Couldn't see you now if I tried. Makes the words stronger. Makes me more vulnerable. Not complaining.


But you're gonna have to share it with me. 


Chances aren't going to run out for you. I've got an unlimited supply stored up. As long as I wake up smiling after just thinking about you in dreams, you can keep coming around. Please do. But watch your step. I wiped the slate clean this month, so try not to mess it up too quickly. Don't abuse your power.


Share it with me, just one piece. 
L

*Lyrics from Family Force 5's Share It With Me 

who/whom

You text me and I light up. 

You text me something I don't like and my day becomes wreckage. 

Why am I the object in these sentences? 

I let you control too much. 

L 

trying to be fearless

Some of my fears are irrational. I've got a terrible fear of dinosaurs-- specifically re-creations that look realistic, movies that suggest they could come back, not-so realistic representations that show up when I least expect them. I used to be so afraid of the shower drain that I made my little sister stay in the bathroom with me whenever I took a shower. I'm afraid of large bodies of water through which I cannot see. If the bottom is visible, I'm good anywhere. One piece of seaweed grabs my unsuspecting leg, though, and I'm out. I've had these fears for as long as I can remember. I'm making some progress on conquering them, but there will always be something terrifying to me about dinosaurs, shower drains, and murky water.

When I was a teenager, I thought I was scared of rejection. I thought the feeling keeping me in unhappy relationships and stopping me from trying harder and putting myself out there was a fear of being rejected. I got rejected. Multiple times. Now, years later, I've been rejected more times than I can count. It's not a fear of rejection, and it never was. It's just a normal dislike for rejection. The fear is behind it. The fear is of being rejected to the point where I become, ultimately, in all aspects of my life, alone.

The next step in my life requires me to face loneliness. Not just being alone, being away from family and friends, being far from everything I know and have come to count on, but being completely and totally lonely. I am walking into this knowing full well that I will cry myself to sleep for a while, and that it will be a long long while before someone comes around to clean up the mess. I'm not expecting anyone to clean it up, honestly. I am expecting tear-soaked pillows for the foreseeable future.

Every piece of the potential next step sounds like it could be a wonderful adventure. I'll learn more about me, about what I want to do with my life, about what I am capable of, and of course, what I'm not capable of. But I'm doing it alone. I'm trying to frame loneliness as part of the adventure... but this is a tough one, even for me. I can't let my fear of complete loneliness keep me from moving forward, though. I have to keep going. I'm scared of the drain, but I still spend an hour in the shower. I'm scared of the water, but my favorite place in the world is still on a boat in the middle of the lake. I'm scared to do this alone, but maybe something amazing will come of it.
I think I'm going to face this dinosaur.
L

when you know

One morning, it happens.

You can't plan for it. You aren't expecting it. Maybe you've tried for weeks, for months, but you never thought it would happen so suddenly.
But then it does.

I'm caught off guard by something that should be spectacular. Cue the fireworks. I've hit the wall- the ultimate wall- the wall standing between me and the edge of my ability to reason a failing relationship. I don't need him anymore.
Finally, I can carry myself.

C,
This is bittersweet. I love you, but I don't need you like I used to need you. I am happy to wake up alone. I am content to come home and tuck myself in. I am excited about life outside of when I'll see you next. I'm not sure if you gave me this, but you didn't deprive me of it, so I owe you a couple thank you's.

First, for showing me love again. It has been a long road for us, in the grand scheme of things. You've been leading me on for at least a year. I've been enjoying it for just as long. Ultimately my appreciation for tears, feelings, smiles, and happiness has been dependent upon your provisions. Thank you for providing. Even for the tears.

Second, for breaking my heart. I may be a masochist. I thrive on heartbreak. I can't write if I'm happy. I don't get into relationships that will be stable or amicable or perfect. I am drawn to frustrating, aggravating, disturbing situations. Ours was one. I loved every excruciating minute of it. But it's run its course.
I feel stronger than I have been. I feel prouder than I have been. We haven't spoken in a week, and in that week I've written more, thought more, and grown more than I have in months. I've considered moving across the country. I've almost- check back in a week- committed to moving across the country. I've made progress on my thesis. I've cleaned my apartment and had a party for my friends. I've met new people. I've seen new things. I've flown. I've sung. I've lived.
A month ago I'd have spent that time waiting for you.

Until tonight I didn't realize how much time it'd been. It's been a while. I won't lie and say I don't miss you; I do. Like crazy. But I'm not incapable of surviving anymore.
That is a huge step forward.

I hope you know that I tried.


I never wanted to give you away 
I still love you 
but I don't need you 


I just couldn't say it better myself.
L

*Lyrics from O-Town's I Still Love You

leftover fireworks

Kids down the street are still setting off loud, obnoxious, fire-spewing noise-makers. I assume they are kids, which is in their best interest. I can't hit kids. It has been 3 days since the 4th of July. Two questions: 1) Why aren't they done with their fireworks yet? It's been 3 days! 2) Why do I assume they have to use up all their fun in one day? These kids might just be on to something.
I'm not though, so it pisses me off. I'm a user. I use everything up until I'm done with it. Immediately. Unless it- whatever it may be- decides to walk away before I'm finished, it's getting used up. This generally applies to ice cream, beer, boys, and money. Most of these don't go before I'm done. The ones that do, well, who am I kidding? If you're reading this, you know what happens to those that leave before I finish with them. They stick around. I don't let them go. They haunt my dreams and show up during the day. They appear at my neighborhood bar and know people in my classes. They walk by at the mall and their names show up in interviews.
If I don't use up all the spark I can get to, it keeps sparking. I'm not up for fire burns. I'm not in the mood to deal with injuries again. I would rather use up all the damn fireworks when they're called for, so I can move on. Give myself another year before I have to step into that death trap again.
But I've still spent a year burning myself on sparklers... I have very little room to complain.
I just keep lighting them.
L

if only

All it takes is 5 minutes.

So many days I have an aching feeling all over my body. It manifests mostly in my shoulders, and some days burns into my lower back. It stings when I first wake up and turns into a dull ache that lasts most of the day. The days I wake up without the pain are the days I wake up next to C.

Turns out I don't even need to be next to him. He's 3 hours away tonight, but a quick text message has already lifted so much of the pressure I'd anticipated waking up to tomorrow.

Just 5 minutes, and an unlimited texting plan, and everyone wakes up happy.

If only it were always so simple.
L

ringing

Picture your life without cell phones. (Take 30 seconds to really let it sink in.) I'm guessing you are home, reading at a leisurely pace, so you may not be as worried as you could be, but keep picturing. Now, where is your family? Where are your friends? You significant other? What are your plans for the night? What are your plans for tomorrow? Do you know what you're doing this weekend? Are you worried yet? Is it wrong that I am on the edge of my seat with anticipation?

C's cell phone fell into a sink last week while I was on my mini-vacation. Accidents happen, but I am such a worrier that there is no space for accidents on my watch. C was in charge of babysitting Killer, my cat/child. Without knowing that the phone had become inoperable, I was frantic worrying about whether Killer was being fed, getting water, getting attention, still alive. I came back home a day early. Didn't hear from C for a couple days, so I started to worry if he was fed, getting water, getting attention, still alive. He showed up in the middle of the night a couple days later, all is well. But without phone access he didn't have my number, and I had no access to him aside from calling him at work and exposing myself for the unreasonable worrier I am. He wasn't worried at all. He visited Killer every day until he noticed my stuff had reappeared. He STILL has not replaced his phone, and he is completely relaxed about it. I misplaced my phone for 20 minutes and my life flashed before my eyes.

The problem with this situation isn't that I am too attached to my technology. It isn't not having access to my baseball scores or expensive device that bothers me. What is burning inside my head when I'm without my phone is that I don't know ANYTHING. Suddenly I cannot remember where I'm supposed to be. I don't have any way to find anyone who does know where I'm supposed to be. I don't know who would know. I cannot text anyone. I cannot check facebook for clues. I get lost in my own mind. C not having a phone is killing me, and I rarely talk to him more than twice a week. Still, I call his phone once every few hours to see if it's still going to voicemail. I think just knowing he has access to a phone again will calm me a little.

I know I'm not the only one. I depend on this phone for so much more than just phone calls. Look at just how many facebook and twitter updates are made by mobile devices. Even blog entries are written and posted from phones. This hyper-need to stay connected-- an unreasonable amount of connected-- has to be doing something to us for the long term. Knowing where everyone is, what they're doing, how they feel, all the time... there has to be some terrible after-effect.
Or is this it? (As I call C. I'm obviously not too worried that this is the horrible ending to the obsession.)

It's ringing. I can breathe again.
L

because/not because

Made excuses. Some for him, some for me. Decided I am love sick, willing to put myself through bad to get good. Decided his phone dies frequently. Interesting, really, as he doesn't so much answer texts. Bad battery, that phone. I could stop liking him if I wanted to. He still loves me under that tough exterior. His friends don't like me because I intimidate them, not because they really don't like me. I'm still awake because I was cleaning, not because I am waiting for a call. I have to check my phone constantly because the volume is low. If he called after I went to bed, I'd still go get him. But because I don't want him to drive if he's tired or tipsy, not because I am that dependent. I'm waiting for him because he's going to feed my cat while I'm out of town, not because I want him. I'm still up thinking about him because... because... because no one else is worth thinking about at the moment. If someone worth thinking about came along, I'd think of them instead. Nothing wrong with that. This is all completely healthy. This relationship works in its own way. Its got special circumstances; we have very specific compatibility requirements. This works as well as it can with these restrictions. I'm totally happy with this limited interaction. I'm waiting up because I worry about his safety, not because if I fall asleep I might miss a call. 

Next time I'm making excuses that help. 

L

not another girl meets boy

Stuck somewhere between La Roux's "I'm Not Your Toy" and B.O.B.'s "Airplanes". I'm either happy or not. Somewhere between a minor chord and a major in my head. I'm as confused as Lady Gaga's parents must be when they look at baby pictures. Even my body is in limbo-- the front half of me is burnt to a deep lobster red, and the back half is plain and pale. I'm awake and alert but all I want to do is sleep it off. I really do not like this in between.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
Cos I could really use a wish right now. 

My wish would be for this burn to go away. I'm pretty completely sure that if this burn disappeared, all the other things plaguing my mind would fade pretty quickly. I spent the weekend at a soccer tournament, watching C play, like I did all last summer. Sitting in the grass and watching him coach from the back of the field, run on his extremely f-ed up leg, cooly defend his keeper... nothing could make me happier for 20 minutes at a time. But once the game ends, life gets back to normal. He's just as cool off the field. He nods at me. Smiles. And walks away. He texts one word answers and I text sentences back. I crave his attention and he basks in mine. 

I've been doing this- we've been doing this- for a year. Officially for a year next Sunday. 

It's all false love and affection. 

You don't want me, you just like the attention.

Stupid sparks. Gets in the way of everything. My brain cant differentiate between anger and love, so I am trapped in this spark-heavy trap. And everyone I meet, everyone I date, everyone I spend an hour getting to know, every one of them falls short. Not because they aren't great people. They are! They're fantastic! They are all perfect catches! But if my heart doesn't skip a beat, I don't have the urge to try anymore. Someone else gets my attention for a week, but it always goes back to C. 

I'm sure thats how he likes it. I probably like it that way, too. Damn my spark-cravings. 

Prom girl wipes her tears with silver lines, and she can't get enough. 

I bring it all on myself. I know, but I like it. And if my sunburn went away, I could get back to enjoying the mess I've buried myself in. 

I just love love. I love love too much. I love it so much that every emotion wants to be love. 

But at least thats one thing I've got straight. 

L 

**Lyrics from B.O.B.'s Airplanes, La Roux's I'm Not Your Toy, and Lady Gaga's I Like It Rough.

leaving

At what point does leaving become giving up?
Maybe I'm asking because one of the most important people in my life moved across the country this morning. Maybe I'm asking because one of the most important loves of my life will not be moving across the state until next year.
But really I'm asking because one of the shelves in my closet quit on me yesterday, rendering most of my closet useless until it is repaired. My closet gave up. The shelf was about 5 feet up on the wall. Under it hung all my dresses and coats, and above it rested many rubbermaid boxes full of computer cables, photos, games, videos, blankets, towels, and more boxes. The shelf came down, and everything else fell in along with it. Now I give up.
Since I have to clean out my closet piece by piece anyway, maybe I should just pack and move. Leaving sounds like a really logical option. I have nothing to stay for, so maybe I go.
Even my closet can't handle my life right now.
L

ordinary

Not settling for less than "extraordinary" is a lot more work than I remember it being. 

At 19, everything was extraordinary. Every guy who looked my way was a step in the right direction. Every boy I fell for was spectacularly better than the last. I had a way of looking at each new love as though it were the most amazing thing that could ever happen to a girl like me. 

I lost it. 

Nothing is extraordinary anymore. Ordinary is all I can muster up. The only extraordinary moments are a select few with C- not all the time, anymore. But the point of this is not to dissect some moments with C. I'm introducing the next character in this soap opera drama: V.

V likes me. I like V more than I've liked anyone recently. We've been on 3 dates. I haven't once had to ignore a call or text from him. I don't feel like running away. I don't feel like running in, either. We are nothing extraordinary. We get along well in public and one-on-one. He is a good guy, I don't feel like I'm in danger of heartbreak. I'm not terribly worried that I'll hurt him, either. But thats not to say that I'm in this with all of me. I just think he seems rational enough to bounce back when I start ignoring his calls. 

Once again, I'm missing the spark. 

Is it settling if I wait this one out to see where it goes, even though the spark is obviously absent? Or can we just call that good sense? I think I've answered it for myself. 

It's not extraordinary. It might be a bit better than ordinary, but I've had extraordinary, and this doesn't begin to compare. I'll give it a few more shots... but then back to the war path. 

Hopefully he understands.

L

my way

(Just prose, been sitting in draft form, unfinished, for too long. Needed to be freed!)

You set me free
By doing what you've always done.
What kept me here so long
Is what's giving me the power to run.
And I will.
I will run.
Because I'm not so sure how long my disenchantment will last.

You're ignorant. Mean.
You're indifferent and heartless.
You didn't try.
You let me try.
You let me fight.
You let me cry.
You let me suffer.
You let me destroy myself,
And never tried to stop me.
Where's the honor in that?
Miserable.
You are miserable.
A miserable excuse for a man.
A pathetic picture of a boy.

Someday you'll know.
And I hope it kills you to see all I saw.
I hope it gives you nightmares.
I hope it gives you chills throughout random days.
I hope you suffer through heartache with no hope of escape,
And I hope you make it to the other side.
I hope you see how strong you have to be.
You deserve to know first hand
What you had
What you did
What I loved through.

But I set me free.
I had enough. I saw the end.
You did what you did
Over and Over.
You never changed.
You never felt.
You never tried.
And I felt enough for both of us.
I loved enough for both of us.
I tried.
But not enough for both of us.
Needed you,
But that's not your style.

So while I'm feeling stronger,
While I know I can make the trip,
I'm going.
I'm letting myself feel other things-
New things and fantastic things-
Things that will give me new scars you could never think to inflict.
I've been set free by exactly what had me so trapped.
I just had to learn to sail through.
Navigate the fantastic whirlwinds that got me caught on you.
Fun at first, but unfortunate when I've stayed this long.
I can get out now.

And I'm on my way.
L

bring the wind

It's time. I'm going to stop torturing myself for now.

Here's to taking years of my own advice! I'm going to focus on what is already spectacular in my life, and say fuck the rest. I'm going to stand facing the sun and let every shadow fall behind me. I'm going to stop settling for anything less than extraordinary. I'm going to take a deep breath, count to ten, and be amazing.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." -Louisa May Alcott

Time to sail on.
L

reality bites

I'm not going to say it was the worst 10 minutes of my life, but it was in the top 25. Maybe top 20. I'd have to list them all to really get an accurate figure, and I'd rather not, since I've suppressed most of those memories already. I hope to suppress this one, too. Maybe I just need to get it out there first. I think I need to back up a little.

I'm pretty easy to get along with. Not too many people dislike me, and the ones who do... well.. I don't know them very well, so I can't be entirely sure why they do. Most of those people hang out in the same place, all together, in a place I used to spend most of my nights. I don't frequent this establishment anymore, for a few reasons we really don't need to discuss. Point is that I rarely go. When I do, I'm usually the only person there.
I went the other night. I thought, due to the empty parking lot and the lack of lights glowing through the windows, that I was late enough to be there alone. I was mistaken. I was completely mistaken. And I faced 4 people who don't think highly of me, and 1 person who apparently thinks less of me than of a termite. I'd have been fine, but that 1 person decided to make a few comments, not to me but to the room in general, which were entirely shots at me. At me. I was unprepared for the attack, and I have nothing against the speaker- well, I had nothing against the speaker- which left me with no reaction prepared but to smile politely, laugh it off awkwardly, and excuse myself from the situation before anyone could catch me crying.
But wait, maybe the comments weren't meant for me? Maybe they were just random comments? Maybe just song lyrics stuck in someone's head or inside jokes from earlier in the night? Ehhhhh... no. The first thing he said when he got outside to me was "don't listen to them. just forget it."
Complete humiliation.

But not because I was ridiculed without my knowledge in front of people. Not because I was embarrassed by his friends in front of him. Not even because he let them.
I was humiliated because everything that was said was true.
And I knew it.
And suddenly, I realized, everyone else knew it, too.

I like to think my own stupidity is my own problem- if I can deal with it, then that's really all that matters. But 10 minutes on a Thursday night rearranged that whole thought process. I'm not proud of the reality. I romanticize it in my head to make it easier to handle. He's obviously framing it his own way as well. But either way, that's what I'm living. And hearing it for the first time in that situation, when I'm obviously uncomfortable and confused and caught off guard in the first place, just makes reality that much more of a slap across the face. It is still my reality, but now it is someone else's inside joke.

Okay, I got it out there. I'm ready to suppress it now.
Come on selective memory.
L

loves me like a rock

My head is a disaster. I have been repeatedly running myself into a rock, hoping that at one point the rock will reach out and hold me and tell me to stop doing it. Who am I kidding? It's a rock. I will keep running myself into it until I've learned my lesson. I've been running into it for 8 years. Book smart is not the same thing as common sense. Love sick is nothing if not ignorant. I am a fairy tale dreamer, and in my dream the rock eventually reaches out to love me.
Waking up.

Eventually this will all wear me down. I'm scared that one day I will lose my optimism. I don't want to become the woman who sees things realistically all the time. Much as it hurts, I would rather keep running into that damn rock, keep feeling the ups and downs, keep crying and screaming and smiling and hoping... I want to believe- always- that there is something worth believing in.

One day that rock will hold me. Love me. Please don't let me forget that.
The pain is starting to get dull. I'm starting to forget. I'm starting to give up.
But if you aren't going to run at that rock with full force, then why bother running at all?
So, rock, it is best for you to give in. I will keep running, and keep slamming into you, until I've worn out a cozy little hole for myself or broken you down in the process.
Get ready to love me.
L

worth it

I want to put out something new and amazing.
Yea.. but I've got nothing.

It has been one year and 5 days since the life-changing break-up that inspired this blog. I don't need to explain in too much detail what a trying year this has been in some ways, how amazing it's been in others, or how much I've changed- for better or for worse. I'm not as crazily ambitious as I was a year ago. I'm not as stable as I was a year ago. I'm not as careful as I was a year ago. I'm not as sad as I was a year ago, and not nearly as medicated.
I was happy with J, but now I'm happy with me. That took a while. I'm not as driven as I used to be- in love, in life, in anything. Instead of my PhD, all I want now is some cross between adventure and stability that I'm pretty sure doesn't actually exist yet. I'll find it. I haven't found something yet that I cannot do. This year I've learned more about me than in any year or years before. I'm more confident than I was a year ago. I'm writing more than I was a year ago. I'm singing more than I was a year ago. I'm more me than I was a year ago. If I had to give up that love to find me again, then it was well worth it. There's still plenty of love around here.

I've broken hearts, cried, smiled, chased butterflies, and had my heart broken. This has not been the best year of my life, no, but it has been an immensely important one. I'm learning all the lessons all over again. Yes, I whine about them, but they're worth it. The learning is the best part. The chasing, the falling, the shattering glass... it makes searching for that unattainable stability/adventure combination worth the ride.

So, while I may just be sending this out into the void, thanks J. You made a big decision for both of us, and I've come back to life because of it.
I'm not exactly new, but I feel pretty amazing.
L

tell me why

I would rather have you once a week, pretend you're mine, ignore the phone, and live this lie. I have been living it successfully for months. I have my own life 6 days a week. You have yours. They don't intersect. We've choreographed this dance perfectly. I warn you before I cross into your path. We let each other know when something new comes up. We've been dancing around each other 6 days a week for 8 months. We were living this lie like clockwork.
Until you broke it.
You took out your L-word, and you threw it into the mix. You opened a Pandora's Box of unspoken feelings. One quick syllable, one whispered sentiment, one caught breath, and my strength is gone. Like an eyelash blown into the wind- gone. It will be another 8 months before I catch myself again. It's out there now. You can take it back, you can make excuses, you could lie and cover it up... but I know you won't. You don't really need to. I'm the one at a loss.
I've been hiding my L-word for months. I've known, and I've hidden it. Why let you know that I'm thinking of you the other 6 days of the week? Thats none of your concern. I bolstered my own strength, saved my dignity, enhanced my solidarity in this relationship, all through hiding the feeling. Locking it away. Saving it. I know how I feel, I don't need to say it outloud. If I don't say it I can pretend it is my little secret.
But you said it. And an hour later I was still smiling from hearing it. I said it back. And I smiled all night long- while I was falling asleep, when I woke up from you snoring, while I was dreaming, when my alarm went off, when I turned over and saw you sleep-smiling, too. I smiled all night.
Until I woke up, realized this wasn't all a dream, and remembered that I probably won't see you for another 6 days.
Just like that, my strength is gone. You've broken through it. You had no reason to tell me you love me. You had no reason to push that envelope any further than we already had. We have an unreliable, confusing, random, completely satisfying relationship. You threw a twist into it and I don't have the bearings to straiten it back out. You have no right to tell me you love me. Especially when you know damn well how much I love you. So, why tell me?
I just want to know why.
L

certainty

There's no way to know if he'll always love you. No way to know if the one is just around the corner. No way to tell if this really is as good as it gets. Very few things in life are certain. But today I realized I have a few real certainties to be thankful for: Love, Best Friends, and Baseball.

Love.
Whether I'm happy with love or miserable about it, it's there. Love is all around. There is no fathomable way- that I can imagine- that a world could exist without love. Love makes the rest of this list possible.

Best Friends.
A quick note from a best friend I rarely see or talk to brightens up my mundane Thursday afternoon. A phone call from my mom reminds me that even when I don't feel important, relevant, wanted, needed, I still am to someone. A best friend, one who spends all her money to ensure that she and I will get to spend our annual weekend together months in advance, is hard to come by. These are not 3 people I have picked up off the street. They've been with me a lifetime. And the friend who spends all her money to pull me out of my wintery depression year after year, she makes the last point of this list a 3-dimensional possibility.

Baseball.
Love is eternal and omnipresent. My best friends are there so long as we both exist. Baseball only comes around for 7 months of the year. Those are the best 7 months of my year. I don't care who wins or loses- except when it concerns my fantasy teams. I just need to smell the grass. I need to hear the crack of the bat meeting the ball midair. I need to feel the raindrops on my hat at the beginning and end of the season, and I need to feel the sun scorching my shoulders all summer long. Baseball isn't here all year, but I am certain that it will come back every time it leaves me.

These things are certain. None have let me down yet. Tomorrow marks my first major league baseball game of the season- I am headed to Arizona in the morning to take in the magical combination of love, best friends, and baseball.

I can't believe it's finally here. I feel like I've been waiting forever.
Hello, love. Here's to our next 7 months together.
L

thinking. feeling.

"Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about." 

-Dave Mustaine 


There are things I can go days without thinking about- - important things. I can go days without worrying about money; a fact made obvious by my inability to make rent this month. I don't think about food on a daily basis; I eat when I'm hungry and I don't necessarily think about how much is left or if I'll have something to eat tomorrow. I don't think about all my friends every 24 hours. I don't think about sunshine once a day. 
I do think about him. 
I do wonder if he's doing alright. 
Its a difficult spot I've put myself in. I'm not competing with other women, I know how to win that competition. No... Instead I'm competing with myself. I'm competing with the sense of ambition I've given him. I'm competing with his sense of individuality- something I am too strong to let go of personally. I'm competing with his need for personal time, personal space, friends, freedom. I want more than he can give, more than he should give. He has so much more to live, to learn. I want to be his all. He's too young for me to ask for things like that. 
So I don't ask. 
So he doesn't know. 
I've seen what a guy can give to a girl. I have had it. I have felt it. I have lived it. I've been catered to, lived for, loved. And I still sleep on the left side of the bed every night. I don't want it all. I don't want my every whim to be supported. I don't mind the support- it was a pleasant surprise when he offered me the money to make my rent this month- but I cannot accept it. I am independent, too. (Although I may be failing at my 'independence'....) I am fine without him. I've become resigned to that. It's become a matter of preference. I won't ask for all of him. I can handle a part-time romance. I prefer it to sharing the bed with myself every night. 
I'd rather spend a night next to him. 
I'd rather spend a night just thinking about him. 
I'll admit, I'm not sure at this point if he's a good thing. I love him, I despise him, I miss him, I cry over him, I cry for him, I hate him, I dream of him, I smile because of him, I light up at his name. I'm not sure what else there is to life. 


It's taken me this long, but I've got a theory. Maybe my life is lived for the emotions. Maybe it isn't all about finding the one who makes me happy all the time, or the one who makes me think life is worth living. Maybe it's about finding the one who lets me feel. I went 4 years without writing because J and I were so solid that I didn't have any feelings to let out. I may not have been smiling and giggling and happy this past year, but I was feeling. I'd trade 4 years of numbness for a lifetime of feeling. 
I'm happy he helped me feel again. 
Whatever the feelings may be. 
L 

what dreams are made of

There's the question of how much I need him. The chemicals in my brain think he is undoubtably necessary to my existence. The chemicals in my heart agree. The outside world thinks otherwise. I'd exist without him. Probably. I could be happy without him, I'm sure of that. But I'd be unhappy for a time before the happiness reappeared. I'd listen to my friends say how much I never needed him anyway. I'd meet tons of unnecessary people and be involved in many miserable, pointless relationships. Do I need those? No. I probably need him more than I need 50 more awkward, go-nowhere dates. I probably need him more than I need 2 more years of clubbing too much and crying myself to sleep out of loneliness. I want him more than I want any of that. I want him more than I've wanted anything I can remember.

He came over. He wasn't supposed to. He didn't need to. I was busy, but he said he was proving to me that he isn't as much of an ass as I think he is. I don't think he's an ass. He cancelled a date last week. I was really upset about that. I may have called him an asshole, but he made it a point to come over JUST to sleep next to me, JUST to prove to me that he is not the ass he seems to be, JUST to show me that he needs to be with me as much as I need to be with him. Every second with him feels like it was meant to happen. Like every minute, even the most bizarre minutes, were destined. Our every interaction feels... perfect. I can't think he's an ass for too long. I can't think he's an ass for a second after he smiles. 
He's leaving soon. If all goes as planned, he'll be gone by June this year. 4 months. He's asked me to go with him, but my answer remains the same; if we can't make it work here, how will being 6 hours away help? Honestly, being 6 hours away would help. But I can't compromise yet. I can't let him take me away from what has become my home just to follow love. 


Love has to be worth fighting for. If it isn't worth that, then it isn't worth the chemicals firing in your brain to make it happen. If it isn't worth the pain, it isn't worth the pleasure. Pandora's box was opened for a reason. I'm not suggesting that love should hurt, that you should feel pain in all relationships, that being in love should be a heartbreaking experience... but love should be worth feeling that for. I'm willing to go through some upset to feel the all-encompassing happiness that comes with the upside.

There's no feeling in the world like knowing he's holding me until I fall asleep. I know he's waiting for me to sleep, and I know he'll immediately turn over once I've drifted off... but thats irrelevant. He's waiting. He kisses me on the forehead and rubs my back until I fall asleep. 
An hour later, when I wake up, he's fallen asleep facing me. 
I have to correct myself. That may be the best feeling in the world. That kind of comfort, intimacy, happiness, you can't find that on the street corner. Can't find it in the club or on just any date or in just any set up. Thats the kind of intimacy that exists to make sure fairy tales keep getting written. That kind of happiness is what keeps Disney in business. That kind of comfort is what keeps me cuddling with his sweatshirt long after he's gone. 


Maybe I am too deep to see the truth in all this. He is leaving in 4 months. He and I haven't even tried to make it work legitimately since August. We've been hiding and sneaking around and falling in love behind curtains for 6 months. 
But I'd do anything for the fluttering in my heart right now.

I can't say I love him out loud. I can't say it to him. My voice won't make the sounds. But I can feel myself telling him. I can feel him saying it back. After we kiss, when both still have our eyes closed and I sneak a tiny peek, the smile on his face... thats enough. That moment, right there, is what dreams are made of. 


The decision's made.
I can't give up on a dream like that.
L

scare easy

I'm not sure how well the arranged marriage will work out. I may not be built right for it. I require an initial spark. I crave those damn butterflies. If they aren't there, I get bored faster than a 4 year old watching Citizen Kane. And that pretty much sums up what has become of my arranged marriage. Not a butterfly in the place. Not even a caterpillar.
Or, at least, not that I can see. He, on the other hand, is in some fairy tale land akin to the butterfly garden at Marine World. He tells me, he tells his friends. He's been struck by a spark I didn't ever see. And he's very clear on that! And me? I scare easy. This is me running. I don't want to be mean, I don't want to be a heartbreaker, but it is situations like this one that give me that reputation. I have spent a total of 3 hours with this person, and he's already shouting from the rooftops. If he'd shut up long enough to watch me react to the screaming, he'd have saved us both a lot of trouble. As it is, though, I have to have an awkward conversation with an unsuspecting, innocent guy, who meant no harm. Suddenly I'm the bitch again. I'm the bitch just because I don't feel it. I'm not even giving him a name here. He's my failed attempt at an arranged marriage. He will be a reminder that I am a hopeless romantic, and I require love from the start.
Tonight I will have the awkward conversation. It will be a long, awkward, uncomfortable night. I will learn my lesson.
I hope I learn my lesson. I hate this conversation.
L

starting over

Wall! Finally, I have found it. I hit it tonight! Didn't hurt myself, didn't hurt the wall. Passersby probably didn't even notice that I touched the wall, but I know that I found it.
Since my expectations are set so unbelievably low for C, he doesn't have to do much to surpass them and impress me and make me fall all over again. But I hold a big double standard for men- obviously- in that no other guy can hit any expectation that I have set for them. Every other guy falls miserably short, to the point where I fear I may be alone forever.
It seems that I have only one option left. This option will get rid of C and finish the difficult meeting/dating/dumping cycle I've gotten stuck in! Ready? I don't know that you are... but without further ado, the final frontier:
arranged marriage!

If I pick one, and stick to that one, then I'll have to deal with it no matter what "it" may be! As noted on How I Met Your Mother this week, "free-will gets you constant, ego-shattering uncertainty," which is something I just do not need. An arranged marriage would give me no choices, I'd have to love him, I'd have to appreciate him, and any kind of pre-conceived expectations would be completely irrelevant.
Ok. Thats the plan. Cutest guy I meet this weekend gets to be mine forever, whether we're compatible or not. We'll make it work. I believe in us. Thus begins the great adventure of the only relationship for the rest of my life.
The beginning really is the best part.
L

entertainment value

Confession: In the car the other morning I used my iPhone (app: Shazam) to find out what cd C had playing so that I could listen to it when I got home. Not because I liked it instinctively or found myself wanting to hear more, but because I want to be listening to what he's listening to. Thats silly. I need a better hobby than this boy.

(Pause.. moment of thought... a better hobby... really? do I reaaallllyyy need a new one? hmmm... no. I'm convinced. You're not? Pause... moment of thought....)

But this hobby can just be so much fun sometimes!! Can crossstitch buy you a beer? Can tennis kiss you goodnight? Can thinking about coin collecting keep your heart aflutter all night? (If it can, I would like to discuss that further with you... in a more private setting...). 

Yea, I'll stick with this one. If all else fails, I'm broadening my musical horizons.

There's really no harm in that. 

L 

remember. and smile.

Bringing back an old post because reading this reminded me why I let myself hit the lows.

The highs are just so unbelievably worth it.

L

(ps: August 4th, for anyone who wasn't reading back then, still puts me on a cloud.)

THURSDAY, JUNE 18, 2009

fearless

I don't know how it gets better than this

The first night was full of harmless flirtation. Subtle at points, but sometimes terribly obvious. We parted at day break, leaving the dark night to go into a gorgeous sunny day. Still, though, separate.

You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless

The suspense built for two days while we went on with our lives in separate places. Two long days. Really, days the regular length, but oh how they stretched out while waiting for replies to text messages and thinking up clever but cute responses once the phone decided to chime.

And you know I want to ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot

It seems to take forever, but I finally see him again. We meet downtown; I walk in and see him waiting for me. I catch his eye and I swear his eyes smile. We start sitting at least a foot apart. Minutes pass. Move closer. 6 inches. 4. I don't have to try to seem magnetically attracted to him this time, I just am. I don't have to wonder if he noticed my hand brush by his, he notices. Suddenly it's so simple. It happens all by itself. Gravity really does want us to be closer.

Absent mindedly making me want you

We leave, each driving ourselves, and meet somewhere else where his friends are waiting. I try my best to be surreptitious, no one needs to know I am here with him. That's for me to know. That's for me to smile about. Some subtle hand holding. Some half hugs. Some smiling glances. Someone else tries to make a move on me, and immediately I'm whisked out the door. No questions asked. No words to speak, I know he wants me to himself. Heart racing.

So baby drive slow, until we run out of road

He gives me a ride home. Smiling. Holding hands. I feel like a giddy teenager on a first date. All hope, no fear. No past, no present, no fear of the future. Everything has fallen into place and I wasn't afraid for a minute. I'm floating through the night, and so quickly it's over and I'm back to solid ground. Walking to the door, I feel like it's all over too soon. Why can't it last till day break again?

Wait.. why can't it?

And it does.

You stood there with me in the doorway

My hands shake

I'm not usually this way but

You pull me in and I'm a little more brave

It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something

It's fearless

Fearless.

L

*lyrics from Taylor Swift's Fearless

borrowed words

"you know how after you take a shower, the mirror is foggy? and then you write, "i love him." then a few moments later it's gone forever... or so you think. but it's not until the next time you take a hot shower it will appear again in the exact same spot. it's like it's engraved in the mirror or something. well, that's how you... are in my heart. i finally feel like i have disposed of my feelings for you and that i don't care about you anymore but then it all comes back to me. how much i love you and how much i need you in my life. i guess you'll stay in my heart forever."

"It's so weird. You're so different from all the others I've liked. We barely know each other and I freak out if you even say a word to me. It seems so unreal for us to be together, yet for some reason I can picture us together: talking, laughing, taking crazy pictures. As much as I want to give up sometimes, I keep on trying because something in my gut tells me that we are meant to be, and that one day, it just might happen."

L

*both from Darling, look at me. I've fallen like a fool for you

and then

First I cry, and complain, and overanalyze... And I yell, and chastise, and exaggerate... And then you rearrange, and show up, and make me feel.. well.. better.

Better is good.

L

facing it

Feels like it's been harder to get you out of my mind than it was to stop thinking of J.

At least J earned the months I spent trying to forget him. You didn't earn them, I gave them to you. I let you have me. Handed you my 'heart', as cliche and miserable as that sounds. Didn't even make you work for it. I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have me. I wanted you.

You got me over J. I forget that part. I so easily forget anything before 'us'.

Do you even remember that? Back then? When I wanted you and you wanted me. When we wanted each other. Back then it was a crowded, overwhelming, amazing two way street that ran unmetered 24 hours a day. I remember. Maybe you don't. Maybe that's the the problem. Maybe that's the solution.

Now I need to find someone to get you off my mind. It's logical.

Every boy I meet takes you off my mind for a minute. Some keep my attention for an hour, some for most of the night. No one has kept it longer than that. Most of the night is the record. By the time I'm home, even in the car on the way home, I start to wonder where you are. I wonder, and there's nothing stopping me from calling you to find out. But I'm always calling. I am constantly calling. You never have to call me. I'm always there.

Time to decide. Do I wait for you or keep waiting for someone?

I don't really have a choice. I've been waiting for you since I was 16. I was waiting for you when I found J. I've been waiting for you since the first time I saw Sleepless In Seattle, the first time I sang karaoke to a Mariah Carey song, the first time I held a boy's hand. I have been waiting to love someone this uncontrollably my entire life- short as that may be so far. So I'll wait for someone to distract me. I will wait for someone, anyone, to replace you. And I'll wait for you.

I've been waiting this long. I've built such a tolerance. I've become so much smarter.

And, despite that, I still want you. Either there is something fundamentally wrong with me, or I'm naturally addicted to this insanity.

Love.

I'm addicted to love.

L

over. again.

yes i know

i can tell you

i can yell at you

i can give you a piece of my mind

oh but it hits me

on the inside

a little harder every time

say you'll never be mad at me for going off on you

for my moments of infatuation

but that doesn't make it any easier

doesn't make it any better ...

to be falling in love

again

over and over

the same thing

i just need to get out

again

but i can't help falling back in

over and over again.

over again.

Oh! i know i can call you

i can hope for you

i can cross my fingers, maybe get lucky

but it still gets me

when you don't call

still gives me a shock everytime

you say you won't be mad at me if i get mad at you

for not falling into me

but that doesn't make it any easier

doesn't make it any better ...

to be falling in love

again

over and over

the same thing

i just need to get out

again

but i can't help falling back in

i just keep falling back in.

over and over again.

and then it's over again.

-L

feeling, for better or for worse

It is completely out of my system now, and I'm feeling absolutely everything.

I stopped taking my anti-anxiety medication about a month ago. I went through a couple weeks of withdrawls, which- I'm not gonna lie- were kind of an exciting experience. There were no tantrums or night sweats, no throwing up, no unbearable cramping headaches. Instead, I experienced little brain tremors. At first they feel like little 5-second dizzy spells- almost similar to a symptom of dehydration. After a couple days the spells started lasting 10-30 seconds a piece, and I felt them in my fingertips, toes, lips, and head. I peaked at around 1 tremor every 2 minutes. That lasted for 4-5 days. (The tremors weren't so exciting then as they were annoying and frustrating.) But then they went away. They tapered off and went away.

I was lucky that nothing worse happened. I stopped taking the medication because I ran out and didn't realize it until I was already experiencing the withdrawls, at which point I decided to just wait them out. Life seemed good, so why be drugged up? Right? ..right?

But it's been a couple weeks now and I'm becoming increasingly aware of all that the drugs were blocking out. They weren't just making my relationships easier to handle or helping me worry less about locked doors and alarm systems. They were making me easier to handle. Helping me worry less about myself. I haven't slept well for a week because I am tossing and turning thinking about all the things I cannot do/fix/control/negate/right/understand.

I've been in a mood all day that I cannot describe. Lies, I can describe it: anxiety-ridden. Imagine going about your day with a brick sitting on your brain and a metronome ticking an off-beat in your ear. I cannot concentrate on getting any one thing done because my mind is pressed upon by these other things I cannot control anyway. I have trouble ignoring the brick because of the ticking reminding me that I have more to think about than I can possibly fit into that moment. Before I know it time has passed and absolutely nothing has been accomplished. I feel completely overwhelmed and completely useless. I haven't felt any of this in years, and it's not been missed. Not one bit.

I think I was happier when I couldn't feel my feelings. Or, what I felt and labeled as happiness, at least, that wasn't bad at all.

It was nice, the calm. I took it for granted.

L

tease

There is something about knowing I can't have you.

Tease.

You show up to the bar, where I've told you I am, to drink and dance. Drink. And dance. With me. You hold my hand, you kiss my forehead (which is a whole different story), and you buy me a drink in the cutest way possible... and then you leave. Like nothing ever happened. Like you were never there. Just enough.

Tease.

I'm disappointed. Not in you... more in me. I've been kidding around with another tease for months. He loves me, he loves me not. You know the drill. It's yours. Hell, it's mine. And it's never ending. When will you stop being unattainable?

Tease.

I think you could save me. You may, quite possibly, be the one person on this planet who could pull me out of this love-sick hole I've dug myself. You could. maybe, break the adhesive on this attachment I have for someone else. You will, I'm certain, make me work for it. And just so you know, I'm not terribly busy. You act like you aren't paying attention, but I am.

Tease.

But I still called him tonight. I still texted him on my way home. I still asked him to come over so that I won't have to sleep alone. You don't know, and you don't need to. You aren't mine, and I'm not yours. Physically or emotionally. And neither is he.

And to both of you, neither am I.

Ha. Tease.

L

someone else's words

I was going to post tonight referencing the songs swirling in my head, but there were too many. Instead, I referenced every song swirling in my head and built them into a lyrical story. I think they paint the same picture I might, just with a different flair and some technical constraints.

Before someone notices and makes fun of me, I have a confession. Yes, every line used in this verbal montage is from an O-Town song. I am not ashamed. These lyrics serve their purpose, and these songs have held their spot in my heart (and cd player) since their inception.

**

You and I - we're out here looking for the same thing

Waiting for someone to share this feeling

And just one look was all it took

Cos no one else compares to you

I've got this craving-

To lose myself in you when we're standing in the rain

To keeping you awake through the night

Wanna make my dreams come true?

If you could ever understand what you put me through

No stopping till the breaking of the dawn

And when the morning comes

Baby I can't stop my mind from slipping

And you're the one I blame for making me go missing

The things that you do won't leave my mind soon

Night and day and night

I would risk it all and give it all to you

Cos when you're here with me, you make me feel complete-

We fit together-

More than I ever thought I could be

And suddenly we've got nothing to say

But the words get in the way

Every minute's like a thousand years since you were lying here

My hands may as well be tied cos they just can't touch you

I'm in pieces and bits, but that's nothing you can't fix

Cos, baby, you're still my addiction

I feel like a drowning man who's still begging God for rain

The more I try to forget I remember

The radio's playing loud but it's not our song

I knock four times and pretend you're not at home

It's catching up to me right now

I was trying to give us time

And if you call that love, love should be a crime

I'm standing here all alone wishing that I could've known

You just can't walk away from the damage

Baby- won't you save me?

Got this craving for you.

**

There are random lines from random songs in random orders, so I'd have a mess of a time trying to attribute every line to a song in order. Suffice it to say around 20 of O-Towns 30 songs went into this cluster.

And I feel better!

L

this is my brain on love

Oh no no no no no no.

Miss independent I have never been. I rely on my parents for money when I misbudget and run into trouble. I crumble without someone to talk my problems out to on a weekly basis. There have been multiple days when I simply would have gone without food had someone not offered to bring some over. But I'll be damned if I don't try to be self sufficient. I wouldn't mind going without money. I can talk my problems out here. If there is no food, dammit, I will go without and I will not complain. But really independent? I suppose that's never been me, much as I'd like to entertain the idea.

But just like in As Good As It Gets, I have met the person who makes me want to "be a better man". (Woman, as it were.) If I know I'll see him I want my apartment to be clean. I want to take an extra shower. I want to style my hair. I want to go through the trouble of washing my laundry. I want to write papers, get published, and teach 10 classes every semester. I want to work until I could not possibly be more invested in my job. I want to go to the gym. I want to eat healthier, lose weight, build muscle. I want to be financially independent. I want to pay off my credit debt and all my parking tickets. I want my savings account to be more than the 50$ minimum. I want to be in shape, I want to be impressive on paper, and I want to be all that I can possibly be. When I know I'll see him, I kick into overdrive on a mission to fulfill my potential.

And then, when he doesn't show up, or when I know I won't see him for another week, it all goes to shit. A box of cheez-its? Sounds like a good pre-dinner snack. My thesis? Looks like a nice stack of paper to use as a coaster. Work in the morning? I'll wake up 20 minutes before and roll there looking like a mess. Paying my parking tickets? That'll need to wait. I need to save that money for trips to McDonalds at 2am. Working out? I hear sleeping burns calories.... And down down down into the funk I go.

He makes me want to be a better me. He makes me want to be as amazing as I can possibly be. I want to do it all, and I smile while I do it, for him. And when he's gone... I'm back to the sub-par version of me. I have no motivation to be better for myself.

But really... its only a problem if he doesn't show up.

L

for the right reasons

The women on ABC's The Bachelor throw themselves into competition with 15+ other women all to win the heart of one man, who none of them have met previous to day one of the show's taping. The second - the very second- that these women sign up for this show I believe they give up their right to any form of logical thinking. You have to be some kind of crazy to sign up for that kind of competition with some unknown reward. Some of these girls, though, take crazy to a whole new level.

One of the girls was found to have been dating (perhaps more?) a member of the show's staff. She was removed from the show. The bachelor himself got a bit teary eyed. Here's the clincher: the other 14 girls got to crying as well. Huh? None of you just got cheated on. If anything, one less for the competition! One woman, through tears, said that she didn't think he deserved that kind of deceit. True. But you've been on one date with this man. Do you really cry for him when he gets cheated on after one date with another girl? Issues. Another woman says, through tears, that this reminds her of the deception and lying that gave her the most pain in her last relationship. I can see that. She can cry. Everyone else needs to suck it up. Put this in perspective, ladies: you've been on one date with him. He's been on one date with her. If this were real life, would this even be an issue? No. No. And I am aware that this isn't real life- nowhere NEAR real life- but at some point a step back can be a really beneficial step. These women are all going to be traumatized for life after this.

Let me be clear here, my aim is not to support the offending woman's actions, but everyone is now accusing her of having been here "for the wrong reasons" (and, alternately, "not for the right reasons"). The point of the show is to fall in love with this one man, but if her goal on the show was to meet someone and find love, wasn't she still there for the right reasons? She was still trying to find the man of her dreams.

I just have no sympathy for the bachelor. Any man with his pick of 15 women at any given time can pretty much suck it, in my humble opinion. She wasn't irreplaceable. He barely knew her.

This show drives me crazy. This is such an unreal representation of how love works, how love is found in the world, and how humans operate in general. For these 16 people though, this is how love works. And I'm going to stand by my belief that you have to be some kind of crazy to be in this for any reasons at all, right or wrong.

On the upside, this gets the crazy ones off the streets! Better chances for me. :)

L

crash

Another night without hope of sleep. I'm done fighting it. I'm giving into the sleeplessness. Tonight it's all my own fault.

I live in a bubble where ignorance is bliss. I protect myself by not asking the questions I don't want answered. Unless I know it's good news, I won't bother speaking up. If it has the possibility of shattering my protective barrier, I'll avoid learning it at all costs. This has been working splendidly. I get all the joy of being loved, and all the freedom of being on my own. Don't ask, don't tell. It works out. Or it did, until I didn't get enough sleep and neglected to remember how thin that glass bubble really is. It is so close to shattering, and I've barely scratched it.

The bubble has been more of a trap than a positive arrangement. Elusive freedom. I can see out, but I like my safety, so I stay. I don't push buttons that might nick the glass. I don't ask questions that would let real light through. I'm protecting myself so much that I'm creating an imaginary world in here- a lonely one. No one else can get in because I'm too distracted by something that will inevitably break the bubble and set me spinning back into deterioration at some unknown time in the near future.

My options are clear: break the bubble myself and begin my descent into hysteria, or wait. Wait for the bubble the shatter on its own. Wait until enough rocks fly at it, enough time passes and the cracks expand to the point where the bubble shatters under its own pressure. Holding out reality is a big job for such thin glass. I should've known to build it stronger in the first place.

The bubble is about to come crashing down. Not only will I be covered in slivers of broken glass and bleeding all over, but I'll be facing reality again. All that reality the bubble was holding out- the future, the past, relationships, friendships, love, life, ambition, honesty- will return to my shoulders. I'm bracing myself for the weight, but I know I'm not strong enough for all that. Especially not if I'm cut and bleeding when it comes down.

I asked a question I didn't want answered. I know I need the answer, but this will be the rock that cracks it all. One more sleepless night, this one spent waiting, waiting for it all to come falling onto me. At least I'm ready this time.

Ready as I'll ever be.

L

my love letter

I am writing this letter so that you'll know, incase I hadn't sent enough smoke signals to alert the world. I want you to know all the things I cannot tell you in person. I want to free all the feelings I cannot show you in any way aside from my written words. I am writing because you free me inside, you free me to be what I am, nothing held back, and no matter who that is at the end of the day, you'll still kiss me goodnight.

cos i love the way you say good morning

I am writing because you're the first and last thing I think of, and even though those thoughts aren't always happy, they give me chills. I want you to know that you still give me butterflies. I want to show you how much space you occupy in my mind. I am writing because you inspire me to write. I am writing because otherwise I'd be overflowing with feelings and I'd hate for you to have to clean that up.

cos i love the way you call me baby

I am writing because you're an excellent distraction. I want you to know that even when you aren't here, you really are. I want to show you how many lonely nights you've brought me through, how many sad moments you've dragged me out of. I am writing because doing anything else would be pointless- I have only enough dedication in me to write this to you.

cos i love you more than i could ever promise

I am writing this letter so that you'll know, incase you hadn't seen the other 76 letters, how much I adore you. I want you to know how much I appreciate the lessons we've learned, the trouble we've faced, the smiles we've shared. I want to show you how far you've brought me. I want you to see how much you've changed me, for the better. I am writing because you have reminded me what it's like to live, what it's like to be me. I am writing because you gave me a reason to sing again.

and you take me the way i am

L

*lyrics from Ingrid Michaelson's The Way I Am