the view from here

All I can hope for is someone to love me. I want that love to be as I imagine it-- a little bit selfish, but undying; all mine, committed and proven; safe, but not the easy way. I want him to be who I call on my way home for the night, although I need not spend every night with him. I want the honeymoon phase, but I want it to last the rest of my life, not just a really intense 3 weeks of perfection. For all normal purposes, I have unreasonable standards.

I just want someone to say to me... 

I tested the grass on the other side. It was a let down. I remembered what it was like to be ignored and to battle for passive attention. I want the attention to be mine, all mine, all the time. I don't like having to fight for it. And knowing I've been passed off to a wingman is just not something I can handle. I need the alpha, and I need to know that I'm the alpha. But there is something to be said for hopping to the other side. It is a potent reminder of how wonderful your side is.

I'll always be there when you wake... 

As far as I can tell, he wants me. He wants to love me in a somewhat selfish way, that is mostly for me but entirely for him. He is happy to see me, to talk to me, to know me. He might even need me if he'd let himself think so. (And he won't. I wouldn't. Can't blame him.) We are both stubborn and self-assured. We both want to be right, and we both win our arguments. We should clash instantly, but he lets me slide for being me. He likes me for being me. Me. This is new and unusual ground. I'm talking more about myself than about him. I'm more challenged by his appreciation for me than by his disregard for me. It is new territory. He likes me more than I like him. But every glance to the other side reminds me that I like him more than I admit that I do.

So stay with me and I'll have it made. 

Whether I want to admit it or not, I have really hit something good here. Now lets all put our heads down and pray that I don't fuck it up.
I have such a tendency to fuck things up.
L

*Lyrics from Blind Melon's No Rain 

literally biting the hand that feeds

I cancelled another date. It's becoming a serious problem. 9 out of 10 times this doesn't bother me, because once the date is cancelled I rarely have to see the guy again, other than the random run-ins on J street on drunken Friday nights, but this time it is one of those exceptions. An exception that I fall into more often than I'd like.
I can officially say "Oops, I did it again."

Since I've been single in midtown, I've gotten attached to quite a few watering holes. Ahem. I've gotten attached to one spot at a time. What makes me leave one pseudo-home for the next one? I tend to date the help. Or, as is my way, make dates and then cancel them, and in order to avoid awkwardness, find a new place to hang out.

This was my first venturing outside of the "bartender"type. The date I cancelled this week was with an executive chef! I thought by getting out from behind the bar I might be making a step in the right direction. The though has merit... but my follow through is severely lacking. There goes my late-night-taco stop, my mid-afternoon-burger joint, my Sunday-funday hangout. I'd rather find a new bar than deal with that awkwardness.

From now on I only date make dates with people who work in bars I severely dislike. Thats the right moral to get from this story, right?
...right?
L

push

Today I was told that I date like my mother. This was intended as a compliment. 

There are so many nice, good, quality guys out there that I've shut down because I'm quick to judge and committed to my decisions. Not second guessing myself, not at all, but wondering why there are so many nice guys I don't want, and so few that I do. 

Can't push away someone who is already running. 

Running toward...?

L

ordinary

Not settling for less than "extraordinary" is a lot more work than I remember it being. 

At 19, everything was extraordinary. Every guy who looked my way was a step in the right direction. Every boy I fell for was spectacularly better than the last. I had a way of looking at each new love as though it were the most amazing thing that could ever happen to a girl like me. 

I lost it. 

Nothing is extraordinary anymore. Ordinary is all I can muster up. The only extraordinary moments are a select few with C- not all the time, anymore. But the point of this is not to dissect some moments with C. I'm introducing the next character in this soap opera drama: V.

V likes me. I like V more than I've liked anyone recently. We've been on 3 dates. I haven't once had to ignore a call or text from him. I don't feel like running away. I don't feel like running in, either. We are nothing extraordinary. We get along well in public and one-on-one. He is a good guy, I don't feel like I'm in danger of heartbreak. I'm not terribly worried that I'll hurt him, either. But thats not to say that I'm in this with all of me. I just think he seems rational enough to bounce back when I start ignoring his calls. 

Once again, I'm missing the spark. 

Is it settling if I wait this one out to see where it goes, even though the spark is obviously absent? Or can we just call that good sense? I think I've answered it for myself. 

It's not extraordinary. It might be a bit better than ordinary, but I've had extraordinary, and this doesn't begin to compare. I'll give it a few more shots... but then back to the war path. 

Hopefully he understands.

L

scare easy

I'm not sure how well the arranged marriage will work out. I may not be built right for it. I require an initial spark. I crave those damn butterflies. If they aren't there, I get bored faster than a 4 year old watching Citizen Kane. And that pretty much sums up what has become of my arranged marriage. Not a butterfly in the place. Not even a caterpillar.
Or, at least, not that I can see. He, on the other hand, is in some fairy tale land akin to the butterfly garden at Marine World. He tells me, he tells his friends. He's been struck by a spark I didn't ever see. And he's very clear on that! And me? I scare easy. This is me running. I don't want to be mean, I don't want to be a heartbreaker, but it is situations like this one that give me that reputation. I have spent a total of 3 hours with this person, and he's already shouting from the rooftops. If he'd shut up long enough to watch me react to the screaming, he'd have saved us both a lot of trouble. As it is, though, I have to have an awkward conversation with an unsuspecting, innocent guy, who meant no harm. Suddenly I'm the bitch again. I'm the bitch just because I don't feel it. I'm not even giving him a name here. He's my failed attempt at an arranged marriage. He will be a reminder that I am a hopeless romantic, and I require love from the start.
Tonight I will have the awkward conversation. It will be a long, awkward, uncomfortable night. I will learn my lesson.
I hope I learn my lesson. I hate this conversation.
L

starting over

Wall! Finally, I have found it. I hit it tonight! Didn't hurt myself, didn't hurt the wall. Passersby probably didn't even notice that I touched the wall, but I know that I found it.
Since my expectations are set so unbelievably low for C, he doesn't have to do much to surpass them and impress me and make me fall all over again. But I hold a big double standard for men- obviously- in that no other guy can hit any expectation that I have set for them. Every other guy falls miserably short, to the point where I fear I may be alone forever.
It seems that I have only one option left. This option will get rid of C and finish the difficult meeting/dating/dumping cycle I've gotten stuck in! Ready? I don't know that you are... but without further ado, the final frontier:
arranged marriage!

If I pick one, and stick to that one, then I'll have to deal with it no matter what "it" may be! As noted on How I Met Your Mother this week, "free-will gets you constant, ego-shattering uncertainty," which is something I just do not need. An arranged marriage would give me no choices, I'd have to love him, I'd have to appreciate him, and any kind of pre-conceived expectations would be completely irrelevant.
Ok. Thats the plan. Cutest guy I meet this weekend gets to be mine forever, whether we're compatible or not. We'll make it work. I believe in us. Thus begins the great adventure of the only relationship for the rest of my life.
The beginning really is the best part.
L

for the right reasons

The women on ABC's The Bachelor throw themselves into competition with 15+ other women all to win the heart of one man, who none of them have met previous to day one of the show's taping. The second - the very second- that these women sign up for this show I believe they give up their right to any form of logical thinking. You have to be some kind of crazy to sign up for that kind of competition with some unknown reward. Some of these girls, though, take crazy to a whole new level.

One of the girls was found to have been dating (perhaps more?) a member of the show's staff. She was removed from the show. The bachelor himself got a bit teary eyed. Here's the clincher: the other 14 girls got to crying as well. Huh? None of you just got cheated on. If anything, one less for the competition! One woman, through tears, said that she didn't think he deserved that kind of deceit. True. But you've been on one date with this man. Do you really cry for him when he gets cheated on after one date with another girl? Issues. Another woman says, through tears, that this reminds her of the deception and lying that gave her the most pain in her last relationship. I can see that. She can cry. Everyone else needs to suck it up. Put this in perspective, ladies: you've been on one date with him. He's been on one date with her. If this were real life, would this even be an issue? No. No. And I am aware that this isn't real life- nowhere NEAR real life- but at some point a step back can be a really beneficial step. These women are all going to be traumatized for life after this.

Let me be clear here, my aim is not to support the offending woman's actions, but everyone is now accusing her of having been here "for the wrong reasons" (and, alternately, "not for the right reasons"). The point of the show is to fall in love with this one man, but if her goal on the show was to meet someone and find love, wasn't she still there for the right reasons? She was still trying to find the man of her dreams.

I just have no sympathy for the bachelor. Any man with his pick of 15 women at any given time can pretty much suck it, in my humble opinion. She wasn't irreplaceable. He barely knew her.

This show drives me crazy. This is such an unreal representation of how love works, how love is found in the world, and how humans operate in general. For these 16 people though, this is how love works. And I'm going to stand by my belief that you have to be some kind of crazy to be in this for any reasons at all, right or wrong.

On the upside, this gets the crazy ones off the streets! Better chances for me. :)

L