worth it

I want to put out something new and amazing.
Yea.. but I've got nothing.

It has been one year and 5 days since the life-changing break-up that inspired this blog. I don't need to explain in too much detail what a trying year this has been in some ways, how amazing it's been in others, or how much I've changed- for better or for worse. I'm not as crazily ambitious as I was a year ago. I'm not as stable as I was a year ago. I'm not as careful as I was a year ago. I'm not as sad as I was a year ago, and not nearly as medicated.
I was happy with J, but now I'm happy with me. That took a while. I'm not as driven as I used to be- in love, in life, in anything. Instead of my PhD, all I want now is some cross between adventure and stability that I'm pretty sure doesn't actually exist yet. I'll find it. I haven't found something yet that I cannot do. This year I've learned more about me than in any year or years before. I'm more confident than I was a year ago. I'm writing more than I was a year ago. I'm singing more than I was a year ago. I'm more me than I was a year ago. If I had to give up that love to find me again, then it was well worth it. There's still plenty of love around here.

I've broken hearts, cried, smiled, chased butterflies, and had my heart broken. This has not been the best year of my life, no, but it has been an immensely important one. I'm learning all the lessons all over again. Yes, I whine about them, but they're worth it. The learning is the best part. The chasing, the falling, the shattering glass... it makes searching for that unattainable stability/adventure combination worth the ride.

So, while I may just be sending this out into the void, thanks J. You made a big decision for both of us, and I've come back to life because of it.
I'm not exactly new, but I feel pretty amazing.
L

tell me why

I would rather have you once a week, pretend you're mine, ignore the phone, and live this lie. I have been living it successfully for months. I have my own life 6 days a week. You have yours. They don't intersect. We've choreographed this dance perfectly. I warn you before I cross into your path. We let each other know when something new comes up. We've been dancing around each other 6 days a week for 8 months. We were living this lie like clockwork.
Until you broke it.
You took out your L-word, and you threw it into the mix. You opened a Pandora's Box of unspoken feelings. One quick syllable, one whispered sentiment, one caught breath, and my strength is gone. Like an eyelash blown into the wind- gone. It will be another 8 months before I catch myself again. It's out there now. You can take it back, you can make excuses, you could lie and cover it up... but I know you won't. You don't really need to. I'm the one at a loss.
I've been hiding my L-word for months. I've known, and I've hidden it. Why let you know that I'm thinking of you the other 6 days of the week? Thats none of your concern. I bolstered my own strength, saved my dignity, enhanced my solidarity in this relationship, all through hiding the feeling. Locking it away. Saving it. I know how I feel, I don't need to say it outloud. If I don't say it I can pretend it is my little secret.
But you said it. And an hour later I was still smiling from hearing it. I said it back. And I smiled all night long- while I was falling asleep, when I woke up from you snoring, while I was dreaming, when my alarm went off, when I turned over and saw you sleep-smiling, too. I smiled all night.
Until I woke up, realized this wasn't all a dream, and remembered that I probably won't see you for another 6 days.
Just like that, my strength is gone. You've broken through it. You had no reason to tell me you love me. You had no reason to push that envelope any further than we already had. We have an unreliable, confusing, random, completely satisfying relationship. You threw a twist into it and I don't have the bearings to straiten it back out. You have no right to tell me you love me. Especially when you know damn well how much I love you. So, why tell me?
I just want to know why.
L

certainty

There's no way to know if he'll always love you. No way to know if the one is just around the corner. No way to tell if this really is as good as it gets. Very few things in life are certain. But today I realized I have a few real certainties to be thankful for: Love, Best Friends, and Baseball.

Love.
Whether I'm happy with love or miserable about it, it's there. Love is all around. There is no fathomable way- that I can imagine- that a world could exist without love. Love makes the rest of this list possible.

Best Friends.
A quick note from a best friend I rarely see or talk to brightens up my mundane Thursday afternoon. A phone call from my mom reminds me that even when I don't feel important, relevant, wanted, needed, I still am to someone. A best friend, one who spends all her money to ensure that she and I will get to spend our annual weekend together months in advance, is hard to come by. These are not 3 people I have picked up off the street. They've been with me a lifetime. And the friend who spends all her money to pull me out of my wintery depression year after year, she makes the last point of this list a 3-dimensional possibility.

Baseball.
Love is eternal and omnipresent. My best friends are there so long as we both exist. Baseball only comes around for 7 months of the year. Those are the best 7 months of my year. I don't care who wins or loses- except when it concerns my fantasy teams. I just need to smell the grass. I need to hear the crack of the bat meeting the ball midair. I need to feel the raindrops on my hat at the beginning and end of the season, and I need to feel the sun scorching my shoulders all summer long. Baseball isn't here all year, but I am certain that it will come back every time it leaves me.

These things are certain. None have let me down yet. Tomorrow marks my first major league baseball game of the season- I am headed to Arizona in the morning to take in the magical combination of love, best friends, and baseball.

I can't believe it's finally here. I feel like I've been waiting forever.
Hello, love. Here's to our next 7 months together.
L

thinking. feeling.

"Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about." 

-Dave Mustaine 


There are things I can go days without thinking about- - important things. I can go days without worrying about money; a fact made obvious by my inability to make rent this month. I don't think about food on a daily basis; I eat when I'm hungry and I don't necessarily think about how much is left or if I'll have something to eat tomorrow. I don't think about all my friends every 24 hours. I don't think about sunshine once a day. 
I do think about him. 
I do wonder if he's doing alright. 
Its a difficult spot I've put myself in. I'm not competing with other women, I know how to win that competition. No... Instead I'm competing with myself. I'm competing with the sense of ambition I've given him. I'm competing with his sense of individuality- something I am too strong to let go of personally. I'm competing with his need for personal time, personal space, friends, freedom. I want more than he can give, more than he should give. He has so much more to live, to learn. I want to be his all. He's too young for me to ask for things like that. 
So I don't ask. 
So he doesn't know. 
I've seen what a guy can give to a girl. I have had it. I have felt it. I have lived it. I've been catered to, lived for, loved. And I still sleep on the left side of the bed every night. I don't want it all. I don't want my every whim to be supported. I don't mind the support- it was a pleasant surprise when he offered me the money to make my rent this month- but I cannot accept it. I am independent, too. (Although I may be failing at my 'independence'....) I am fine without him. I've become resigned to that. It's become a matter of preference. I won't ask for all of him. I can handle a part-time romance. I prefer it to sharing the bed with myself every night. 
I'd rather spend a night next to him. 
I'd rather spend a night just thinking about him. 
I'll admit, I'm not sure at this point if he's a good thing. I love him, I despise him, I miss him, I cry over him, I cry for him, I hate him, I dream of him, I smile because of him, I light up at his name. I'm not sure what else there is to life. 


It's taken me this long, but I've got a theory. Maybe my life is lived for the emotions. Maybe it isn't all about finding the one who makes me happy all the time, or the one who makes me think life is worth living. Maybe it's about finding the one who lets me feel. I went 4 years without writing because J and I were so solid that I didn't have any feelings to let out. I may not have been smiling and giggling and happy this past year, but I was feeling. I'd trade 4 years of numbness for a lifetime of feeling. 
I'm happy he helped me feel again. 
Whatever the feelings may be. 
L