(Just prose, been sitting in draft form, unfinished, for too long. Needed to be freed!)
You set me free
By doing what you've always done.
What kept me here so long
Is what's giving me the power to run.
And I will.
I will run.
Because I'm not so sure how long my disenchantment will last.
You're ignorant. Mean.
You're indifferent and heartless.
You didn't try.
You let me try.
You let me fight.
You let me cry.
You let me suffer.
You let me destroy myself,
And never tried to stop me.
Where's the honor in that?
Miserable.
You are miserable.
A miserable excuse for a man.
A pathetic picture of a boy.
Someday you'll know.
And I hope it kills you to see all I saw.
I hope it gives you nightmares.
I hope it gives you chills throughout random days.
I hope you suffer through heartache with no hope of escape,
And I hope you make it to the other side.
I hope you see how strong you have to be.
You deserve to know first hand
What you had
What you did
What I loved through.
But I set me free.
I had enough. I saw the end.
You did what you did
Over and Over.
You never changed.
You never felt.
You never tried.
And I felt enough for both of us.
I loved enough for both of us.
I tried.
But not enough for both of us.
Needed you,
But that's not your style.
So while I'm feeling stronger,
While I know I can make the trip,
I'm going.
I'm letting myself feel other things-
New things and fantastic things-
Things that will give me new scars you could never think to inflict.
I've been set free by exactly what had me so trapped.
I just had to learn to sail through.
Navigate the fantastic whirlwinds that got me caught on you.
Fun at first, but unfortunate when I've stayed this long.
I can get out now.
And I'm on my way.
L
Monday, April 26, 2010
bring the wind
It's time. I'm going to stop torturing myself for now.
Here's to taking years of my own advice! I'm going to focus on what is already spectacular in my life, and say fuck the rest. I'm going to stand facing the sun and let every shadow fall behind me. I'm going to stop settling for anything less than extraordinary. I'm going to take a deep breath, count to ten, and be amazing.
"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." -Louisa May Alcott
Time to sail on.
L
Here's to taking years of my own advice! I'm going to focus on what is already spectacular in my life, and say fuck the rest. I'm going to stand facing the sun and let every shadow fall behind me. I'm going to stop settling for anything less than extraordinary. I'm going to take a deep breath, count to ten, and be amazing.
"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." -Louisa May Alcott
Time to sail on.
L
reality bites
I'm not going to say it was the worst 10 minutes of my life, but it was in the top 25. Maybe top 20. I'd have to list them all to really get an accurate figure, and I'd rather not, since I've suppressed most of those memories already. I hope to suppress this one, too. Maybe I just need to get it out there first. I think I need to back up a little.
I'm pretty easy to get along with. Not too many people dislike me, and the ones who do... well.. I don't know them very well, so I can't be entirely sure why they do. Most of those people hang out in the same place, all together, in a place I used to spend most of my nights. I don't frequent this establishment anymore, for a few reasons we really don't need to discuss. Point is that I rarely go. When I do, I'm usually the only person there.
I went the other night. I thought, due to the empty parking lot and the lack of lights glowing through the windows, that I was late enough to be there alone. I was mistaken. I was completely mistaken. And I faced 4 people who don't think highly of me, and 1 person who apparently thinks less of me than of a termite. I'd have been fine, but that 1 person decided to make a few comments, not to me but to the room in general, which were entirely shots at me. At me. I was unprepared for the attack, and I have nothing against the speaker- well, I had nothing against the speaker- which left me with no reaction prepared but to smile politely, laugh it off awkwardly, and excuse myself from the situation before anyone could catch me crying.
But wait, maybe the comments weren't meant for me? Maybe they were just random comments? Maybe just song lyrics stuck in someone's head or inside jokes from earlier in the night? Ehhhhh... no. The first thing he said when he got outside to me was "don't listen to them. just forget it."
Complete humiliation.
But not because I was ridiculed without my knowledge in front of people. Not because I was embarrassed by his friends in front of him. Not even because he let them.
I was humiliated because everything that was said was true.
And I knew it.
And suddenly, I realized, everyone else knew it, too.
I like to think my own stupidity is my own problem- if I can deal with it, then that's really all that matters. But 10 minutes on a Thursday night rearranged that whole thought process. I'm not proud of the reality. I romanticize it in my head to make it easier to handle. He's obviously framing it his own way as well. But either way, that's what I'm living. And hearing it for the first time in that situation, when I'm obviously uncomfortable and confused and caught off guard in the first place, just makes reality that much more of a slap across the face. It is still my reality, but now it is someone else's inside joke.
Okay, I got it out there. I'm ready to suppress it now.
Come on selective memory.
L
I'm pretty easy to get along with. Not too many people dislike me, and the ones who do... well.. I don't know them very well, so I can't be entirely sure why they do. Most of those people hang out in the same place, all together, in a place I used to spend most of my nights. I don't frequent this establishment anymore, for a few reasons we really don't need to discuss. Point is that I rarely go. When I do, I'm usually the only person there.
I went the other night. I thought, due to the empty parking lot and the lack of lights glowing through the windows, that I was late enough to be there alone. I was mistaken. I was completely mistaken. And I faced 4 people who don't think highly of me, and 1 person who apparently thinks less of me than of a termite. I'd have been fine, but that 1 person decided to make a few comments, not to me but to the room in general, which were entirely shots at me. At me. I was unprepared for the attack, and I have nothing against the speaker- well, I had nothing against the speaker- which left me with no reaction prepared but to smile politely, laugh it off awkwardly, and excuse myself from the situation before anyone could catch me crying.
But wait, maybe the comments weren't meant for me? Maybe they were just random comments? Maybe just song lyrics stuck in someone's head or inside jokes from earlier in the night? Ehhhhh... no. The first thing he said when he got outside to me was "don't listen to them. just forget it."
Complete humiliation.
But not because I was ridiculed without my knowledge in front of people. Not because I was embarrassed by his friends in front of him. Not even because he let them.
I was humiliated because everything that was said was true.
And I knew it.
And suddenly, I realized, everyone else knew it, too.
I like to think my own stupidity is my own problem- if I can deal with it, then that's really all that matters. But 10 minutes on a Thursday night rearranged that whole thought process. I'm not proud of the reality. I romanticize it in my head to make it easier to handle. He's obviously framing it his own way as well. But either way, that's what I'm living. And hearing it for the first time in that situation, when I'm obviously uncomfortable and confused and caught off guard in the first place, just makes reality that much more of a slap across the face. It is still my reality, but now it is someone else's inside joke.
Okay, I got it out there. I'm ready to suppress it now.
Come on selective memory.
L
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
loves me like a rock
My head is a disaster. I have been repeatedly running myself into a rock, hoping that at one point the rock will reach out and hold me and tell me to stop doing it. Who am I kidding? It's a rock. I will keep running myself into it until I've learned my lesson. I've been running into it for 8 years. Book smart is not the same thing as common sense. Love sick is nothing if not ignorant. I am a fairy tale dreamer, and in my dream the rock eventually reaches out to love me.
Waking up.
Eventually this will all wear me down. I'm scared that one day I will lose my optimism. I don't want to become the woman who sees things realistically all the time. Much as it hurts, I would rather keep running into that damn rock, keep feeling the ups and downs, keep crying and screaming and smiling and hoping... I want to believe- always- that there is something worth believing in.
One day that rock will hold me. Love me. Please don't let me forget that.
The pain is starting to get dull. I'm starting to forget. I'm starting to give up.
But if you aren't going to run at that rock with full force, then why bother running at all?
So, rock, it is best for you to give in. I will keep running, and keep slamming into you, until I've worn out a cozy little hole for myself or broken you down in the process.
Get ready to love me.
L
Waking up.
Eventually this will all wear me down. I'm scared that one day I will lose my optimism. I don't want to become the woman who sees things realistically all the time. Much as it hurts, I would rather keep running into that damn rock, keep feeling the ups and downs, keep crying and screaming and smiling and hoping... I want to believe- always- that there is something worth believing in.
One day that rock will hold me. Love me. Please don't let me forget that.
The pain is starting to get dull. I'm starting to forget. I'm starting to give up.
But if you aren't going to run at that rock with full force, then why bother running at all?
So, rock, it is best for you to give in. I will keep running, and keep slamming into you, until I've worn out a cozy little hole for myself or broken you down in the process.
Get ready to love me.
L
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)