when you know

One morning, it happens.

You can't plan for it. You aren't expecting it. Maybe you've tried for weeks, for months, but you never thought it would happen so suddenly.
But then it does.

I'm caught off guard by something that should be spectacular. Cue the fireworks. I've hit the wall- the ultimate wall- the wall standing between me and the edge of my ability to reason a failing relationship. I don't need him anymore.
Finally, I can carry myself.

C,
This is bittersweet. I love you, but I don't need you like I used to need you. I am happy to wake up alone. I am content to come home and tuck myself in. I am excited about life outside of when I'll see you next. I'm not sure if you gave me this, but you didn't deprive me of it, so I owe you a couple thank you's.

First, for showing me love again. It has been a long road for us, in the grand scheme of things. You've been leading me on for at least a year. I've been enjoying it for just as long. Ultimately my appreciation for tears, feelings, smiles, and happiness has been dependent upon your provisions. Thank you for providing. Even for the tears.

Second, for breaking my heart. I may be a masochist. I thrive on heartbreak. I can't write if I'm happy. I don't get into relationships that will be stable or amicable or perfect. I am drawn to frustrating, aggravating, disturbing situations. Ours was one. I loved every excruciating minute of it. But it's run its course.
I feel stronger than I have been. I feel prouder than I have been. We haven't spoken in a week, and in that week I've written more, thought more, and grown more than I have in months. I've considered moving across the country. I've almost- check back in a week- committed to moving across the country. I've made progress on my thesis. I've cleaned my apartment and had a party for my friends. I've met new people. I've seen new things. I've flown. I've sung. I've lived.
A month ago I'd have spent that time waiting for you.

Until tonight I didn't realize how much time it'd been. It's been a while. I won't lie and say I don't miss you; I do. Like crazy. But I'm not incapable of surviving anymore.
That is a huge step forward.

I hope you know that I tried.


I never wanted to give you away 
I still love you 
but I don't need you 


I just couldn't say it better myself.
L

*Lyrics from O-Town's I Still Love You

leaving

At what point does leaving become giving up?
Maybe I'm asking because one of the most important people in my life moved across the country this morning. Maybe I'm asking because one of the most important loves of my life will not be moving across the state until next year.
But really I'm asking because one of the shelves in my closet quit on me yesterday, rendering most of my closet useless until it is repaired. My closet gave up. The shelf was about 5 feet up on the wall. Under it hung all my dresses and coats, and above it rested many rubbermaid boxes full of computer cables, photos, games, videos, blankets, towels, and more boxes. The shelf came down, and everything else fell in along with it. Now I give up.
Since I have to clean out my closet piece by piece anyway, maybe I should just pack and move. Leaving sounds like a really logical option. I have nothing to stay for, so maybe I go.
Even my closet can't handle my life right now.
L

bring the wind

It's time. I'm going to stop torturing myself for now.

Here's to taking years of my own advice! I'm going to focus on what is already spectacular in my life, and say fuck the rest. I'm going to stand facing the sun and let every shadow fall behind me. I'm going to stop settling for anything less than extraordinary. I'm going to take a deep breath, count to ten, and be amazing.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." -Louisa May Alcott

Time to sail on.
L

work is never over

work it harder 

mind control. not someone else's, control your own. convince yourself you don't need this. you deserve better. you can kick this. a silly addiction, infatuation even, and its irrelevant to the rest of your life. 

mind control. convince yourself. if you know it, you know it. 

but you need to know it. own it. be it. live it. know it. 

makes us better 

that'll put it behind you. you don't need to be treated this way, you deserve to be appreciated, loved, for you. not for favors. not for entertainment. you deserve to be loved for you. and since you know it, be it. live it. don't loosen your standards for the first pretty face with a talent for charming your pants off. fight it. you're better than that. you're better than you think you are. 

don't forget that. know it.  

do it faster 

the sooner you know, the sooner you run. cut and run and be happy. don't depend on someone else to make you smile, smile because you don't need someone else. trust your gut, believe your intuition. if your heart says go, but your mind says stop, believe yourself and escape the wreckage. players are gonna play. cheaters are gonna cheat. the first time is never the first time, and its never the last. know what you know and believe in yourself. and don't be afraid to rush out of it. fools rush in. you rush out. and you'll like it. 

makes us stronger 

trust the process. trust that by the end of this, you'll be all you need to be for next time. you will know better, you will be smarter, you will have the power to break the cycle. if they're playing, you're winning. if they're lying, you're seeing. the ball is in your court because you keep it there. the only way to play it safe is to play nothing but offense and dominate that game. back down, get beat. but you won't back down. you don't need to. you don't need time to breathe, you don't need a break, you don't need to nap or reenergize or take a time out. you have stamina. you can do this until it's done. and you will. and you'll like it. 

i know i gotta be right now 

cos i can't get much wronger

L

*lyrics from Daft Punk's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger and Kanye West's Stronger

fences

I would love to cave in. I'd like to call him, show up at his house, appear out of no where and let him swoon, apologize, and beg for forgiveness. Afterwards I'd tell him he needed to work for my trust, and he'd promise to do nothing but that for as long as it took.

But that wouldn't happen. And even if it did, I would be stupid to believe it.

you're always on display for everyone to watch and learn from

I have learned my share of lessons. I know the answer when a girl is hurt by a guy. I know how to tell her to pick herself up off the ground, brush it off, and move on without looking back. I do it on a weekly basis. And so now, now that I'm thrown back into this fire, I have to take my own advice. I have to be just as strong as I tell them to be. I have to be the good example.

don't look up just let them think there's no place else you'd rather be

I'm playing the hard ass. He texts, I wait. Sure my heart skips, I hope more than anything that he'll be saying he can't live without me, but that's irrelevant. I not only have to live out my own advice but I have to make it look like it is the best decision I have ever made. Unfortunately, at the moment it feels like ice picks stabbing into my shoulders. I want to break down, run back, embrace the 'ignorance is bliss' philosophy that I am usually so against. No. Can't. I must look like the strongest person in any room. I have to be the strongest person in any room. I am the strongest person in any room.

it's obvious that you're just living proof that the camera's lying

At least all those acting classes weren't a complete waste.

L

*lyrics from Paramore's Fences

sleep smiling

One of the steps to recovery is trying again.

I was convinced I wouldn't try again. I'd avoid whatever came my way, change the station whenever a love song played, and generally devote my nights to reruns of Frasier and 30 Rock. (Okay, so my nights will probably always be devoted to reruns of some sort. TV is my first love. I cannot move on from that one.)

BUT! In the words of Taylor Swift:

"Hey Stephen,

boy, you might have me believin'

I don't always have to be alone."

Mm, I can't help myself.

I've been listening to 'Hey Stephen' all night, texting digital sweet nothings back and forth with my own Stephen, understanding more and more why Taylor wrote this song.

"Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain, so...

Can't help it if there's no one else.

I can't help myself."

I know I've felt all of this before, but it has been so long, and I was so convinced it'd be longer. So, even if this is destined to be short lived or tainted with unpleasant residual emotion, this smile has been plastered across my face all day. And now I'm going to sleep, and the smile... doesn't look like its going anywhere.

Sleep smiling. It sure has been a while. :)

L

the other side

Instead of romanticizing the lives of other people, try to think about how they might feel. The teenager walking down the street in the black t-shirt with the angry look on his face may actually be faking that scowl to seem more self-assured than he is in this questionable neighborhood. The woman with the Chanel earrings and Louis Vuitton bag chatting on her cell phone at Starbucks may not be the stuck up city girl her looks suggest, perhaps she is visiting her sister and borrowing her accessories.

I am not a big people watcher, but I think the general ideas behind it might be useful in multiple situations. For example, to help dig up a smile when a frown is looming and imminent.

The frown: Instead of seeing someone who looks remarkably like J at the mall today with a blonde woman, I imagined J shopping with ‘her’, even though he would never shop with me. Instead of recognizing that the person there was not J, my mind began to spin and tumble, convincing me that J would shop with her, that he would even enjoy shopping with her.

Walking to the car, I noticed my hands were shaking visibly. And why? Because there are brown haired men in the mall? Irrelevant. My mind’s treacherous story had already spun itself a web all through my imagination. 

As I got into the car I said out-loud to myself, for no reason I can account for, “what is on the other side”. I can only assume that I meant the other side of this river of heartbreak. The drive home convinced me otherwise.

The smile: Instead of seeing someone who looks remarkably like J at the mall today with a blonde woman, I imagine J shopping with ‘her’. Instead of being upset that J would shop with her when he would never shop with me, I wonder if J likes shopping with her, or if his being there is only a quick trip because she offered to buy him a new tie. Instead of being heartbroken and crying on my way to the car, I imagine the webs his mind would spin if he had seen someone who looked remarkably like me in an unusual place.

He is just as shaken as me.    

That's the other side, and the view from here is so refreshing.

L

and show me a sign

There is a tiny tickle at the bottom of my stomach every time I drive far enough up the highway to cross into the city J and I called home. 

It is a really unpleasant tickle. 

That's putting it softly. Too softly. 

In reality, every exit along the highway through that city makes me cringe. My stomach turns. The nausea is equally unpleasant, reminding me of how sick I was when we first broke up. 

Just when I thought I was doing well enough to leave the house with a smile every day, well enough to have civilized conversations with J, I start having emotional reactions to highway signs. 

The natural response to my new-found fear of highway signs is that the signs remind me of J, remind me of my 'old life'. That, however, is not very fun. In fact, that explanation is mundane and predictable. If I'm going to be sick at the sight of a highway sign, I'd prefer a more creative explanation. 

So from now on, when I drive through the city I used to call home and feel that horrible turn in my stomach, I will blame the nausea on the elevation, the increasingly clean air, the disgusting displays of wealth via unnecessarily large vehicles, the infuriating glare of the sun off the carpool lane signs, an inexplicable pang of hunger which I could blame on any number of fast food signs along the 4 exit stretch... 

Or just what it is. Stop avoiding it. 

The highway makes me sick because it has so few overpasses, obviously. A stretch of highway that long should have overpasses. The lack thereof is blatantly responsible for my sickness. 

Off to petition the city council for more overpasses... 

L 

blink, breathe, smile

i blinked today and something changed. 

something changed inside me, but i did not lose my footing. i did not falter. 

i blinked today, something changed, and the day is still going to end with a smile. 

first and foremost, i am not ready for a new relationship. i am not ready for anything. i am too damaged to even spend time with the same person multiple days in a row! i feel suffocated, stifled, and to be quite honest, i get bitchy. i get bitchy and i do not care. i, my friends, am not ready. and happy to say it out loud. 

but i am ready to cut ties with my old relationship. today J and i cut our final tie to one another. we were each still paying subscriptions on a monthly basis that served the other person. when we lived together these were expenses that just evened out. when we broke up there were bigger things to deal with. for the past couple months, salvaging our friendship was more important than thinking about bills that pretty much cancelled each other out anyway. 

but today we took a step. a big step. today we cut our last tie. and i feel fine. 

overall, today i ventured into new territory, and decided that this new place, lonely as it may sometimes be, is exactly where i belong. 

i belong. 

what a wonderful reason to smile. 

L 

me on the rebound

From Wikipedia: 

" Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship. Rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner's emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful breakup, and those emerging from serious relationships are often advised to avoid serious dating until their tumultuous emotions have calmed. "

I made a conscious decision a couple months ago to be a threat only to my own emotional stability. I know I am 'psychologically incapable' of pulling off a normal dating process right now, so my favor to the men in Northern California is my decision not to date. Sure its tough for me, I have to forget J and I'm not sure how to fill the space, I have to resolve the residual issues without a sounding board. But it's been over 2 months, and I'm doing fine! 

Maybe I'm done with my rebound period. 

HA!!!! 

Definitely not. If anything, it's just begun. I am stronger than I was, I can make sense of J and my past better than I could, I can sleep through the night and go through the day without breaking down!  But I still cannot conquer the loneliness. 

A previous comment mentioned the difference between loneliness and alone, and I'm there. I'm straddling the difference. I am not alone in the world, I am more surrounded by people than I have been in a long time. But that hole left by memories of J, that is a big empty hole. A big lonely place that I have a big problem with avoiding. 

What Wikipedia fails to explicitly mention in the definition of a 'Rebound' is that stupid hole. I know I need to fill it myself, be strong enough to fill that hole with my own self-assuredness and belief in love. And I thought maybe I had. I thought maybe I could perhaps start to maybe think about maybe seeing someone again. But it is becoming more and more obvious that that hole is bigger than I thought. That hole is gaping. And I am desperately reaching out for someone to come and patch the hole, at least some of the time, at least when I'm the most lonely and vulnerable. 

That's unfair to him, to me, and to the hole. The hole demands some respect. I'm constantly demonizing it, but it means well, if a hole can mean.... 

Conclusions: I am still rebounding. When I'm lonely I try to fill the lonely space, which is not a good idea. I can't date yet. 

I am obviously not ready to be a "me" yet, I'm still reverting to being a "we". I don't do it when I'm alert, but once I've had a beer, once I'm tired, once I'm sufficiently stressed, I need "we". 

But like I've said all along, there's no "we" until there's a happy "me". 

And that's that. 

L

just me

Step one: Deny. 

Step two: Cry. 

Step three: Get mad. 

Step four: Cry. 

Step five: Pretend. 

Step six: Cry. 

Step seven: Learn. 

Step eight: Try. 

Step nine: Cry. 

Step ten: Learn. 

(repeat steps six-ten until the next upset, and then begin at step one.) 

Right now I'm hovering at step 6. 

I did a good job of pretending. I believe I am going to be alright, better even, in the end. I know I am making the right decisions for me. I'm sure my life doesn't begin and end where J walks in and out. But am I? 

I still get a cringe in my stomach when I see something that reminds me of him. There are times when my phone gets the best of me and he wakes up a late night text reminding him that I miss being there. Tonight, as I begin to descend into step 6, I am starting to understand 'lonely'. 

The crying hasn't begun yet, and I don't think it will at all tonight, but in the car on my way home I felt completely alone for the first time in a long time. I felt abandoned by the world, stranded in a strange place, confused, lost, scared, and completely alone. For the past hour and 45 minutes I have felt completely alone. 

Soon I will cry, and I will learn, and I will begin to try. Try to feel less alone, try to feel more vital, try to... make my bed in the morning or walk the dog on a set schedule. Try anything. And when I fail, I will cry. But I will keep doing it until this lonely feeling goes away. I need to get used to being 'me' before I can start thinking about being 'we' again. And if being 'me' means getting used to the lonely, then so be it. But I need to get used it. 

God I hope that's less miserable than it sounds. 

L

good grief

I keep running to kick that ball and he keeps pulling it away. 

She is showing up in places I didn't expect her to show up. I controlled for some places, I hid the profiles of people I knew she'd know, but I didn't control for everything. I didn't expect her to have already met all his friends. I didn't expect her to be so close that she comments on their status'. 

Ew. 

I just realized how obsessive I am being over someone who doesn't even know I exist. She haunts my mind during the day and keeps me awake at night, and she has no idea how much I think about her. That is either really creepy or really pathetic. I'm not stalking her- all I know about her is her name- so it must just be pathetic. I am getting pathetic. 

I've been whining about this break up for almost 2 months now. I don't cry as much as I used to, I don't wallow as much as I used to, and I don't need as much support as I used to, but there are residual effects. I'm still adjusting to this new lifestyle. I'm still getting used to being an "I" instead of a "we". I'll be getting used to him being a "we" with someone else for a long time. So, while I feel like I've been whining about the same crap for months, and I am tired of pouring it out on everyone else, it's possible that it's new crap. I have conquered the initial breakup, the breathing problems, the appetite issue, the living situation, the 'grave dressing' process, the making sense of the breakup, the first steps toward continuing to have a life of my own. The new crap I'll be whining about is just that: NEW. It may seem like the same problem, and sure it all stems from the breakup, but its new. I haven't conquered my fear of her. I haven't conquered my newly formed insecurities about dating. I may never be ready to defeat the thought of J loving someone else. But all those things I did conquer? I did it by whining about them. So I'm not going to stop whining. 

As the ancient Greeks would have said, once you put words on paper, they have left you. They are no longer yours. You no longer hold those words, that emotion, that intensity. Whining allows me to get rid of it. Whining here lets me remind myself of all I've gotten rid of. 

So maybe I am pathetic for spending so much time thinking about a girl I will hopefully never see, but I'm getting it out. Soon it'll be gone. 

Eventually I'll kick that damn ball and this game will be over with. 

L 

without you

It has been a few days, and life has gone on. I've made some silly choices, had some fun with friends, and done a little sleeping. All in all, it hasn't been a bad weekend, but I have begun to notice just how big a part J plays in my life. 

He was my boyfriend, my roommate, my love, but he was also my best friend. It may not have seemed like it toward the end, but when I get home from a long day what I want most is to tell J about it. I want to hold hands while he watches his show and I fall asleep. I want to know that even though I made some dumb decisions, he is still going to be there to walk me through the aftermath. I miss that safety. 

True, I need to be strong for myself. He has said that he feels like he is shielding me from the world, and in a way that's true, I suppose, but I never asked him to. All I want him to do is shield me for a couple minutes a day while recuperate from the last 12 hours. I need that. Or, maybe I don't need it, but I don't know how to operate without it. Where do I hide? Where can I go to be shielded? Where can I turn to protect myself from.. well.. myself? 

J was a voice of reason, a guiding light when I lost my way. I know this seems vague, but thats really what he was to me. He was an amazing other half. 

And tonight, I just miss being whole. 

L 

my rainbow

in 24 hours it will have been a month. 

i've been through a myriad of emotion. i've cried, i've laughed, i've screamed, i've stared, i've hyperventilated, i've gone without sleep, and i've lived. 

in the past month i have made closer connections with the people i work with than i have in the past year i've known them. i have become more dedicated to my goals. i have invested more time in my students. i have thought more about my life than i have since i graduated high school. 

i have also cried more than i have since high school, felt sicker to my stomach than i have since high school, and been more vulnerable to the sound of a man's voice than i have since high school. 

in all reality, high school sucked, but this past month hasn't been all that bad. 

i have people to call when i can't handle my feelings by myself. i have a place to call home at the end of the day. i have a plan for the next year of my life... and i feel good about all of this. i'm not the glowing, happy, shiny version of me, but i'm not quite as tarnished and wrecked as i was 4 weeks ago. 

so, although some of this may feel like high school (or like dealing with the emotions  brought on by a 17-year-old's relationship), this is much better than high school. there is a light at the end of this tunnel. there is some bright side. i will not be alone forever. someday, i am sure, i'll get to be in love again. i'm not destined to be singing 'desperado' forever. 

i made it one month. here's to one more. :) 

L

 

don't call it a comeback

there is a list of "B" words that can brighten my mood. usually, it includes baseball and beer. (and usually, thats all it needs to include.) 

however, i have found an addition: britney. 

Britney Spears came to Sacramento this past weekend, and being the loyal listener that I am, I showed up Saturday night with bells on. She gave a lackluster performance. It was obvious from any seat in the arena that she was tired after about 3 songs and stopped giving it her all. But, she showed up, which is more than I can say for the last time I had tickets to see her (Onyx Hotel Tour, anyone?). Quite a few songs were off the Blackout album, one I own but don't frequently listen to. 

But, don't get me wrong. The concert was wonderful. The song list flowed, not too many slow songs, good entertainment on costume changes. One reason Brit gets to make the "B"-word list is because the concert was pretty fabulous, and I had an awesome time. 

A second reason Britney makes the cut: her life sucks. Or does it? I'm pretty sure she doesn't know the answer to that either. And that is #2. 

Famous at 17, in rehab at 25, back in sequins at 27. This girl has done it ALL, and she's done it all with helicopters overhead trying to photograph her at her most vulnerable moments. She's been through phases where she couldn't admit she needed help, and she's come to realize that she needs it and she lets- well, as much as a court order can be considered voluntary- her Dad help her. And now, with a little help from the important people, the legendary Miss Britney Spears has proven that she can take back her title as pop princess. She can screw up a nationally televised performance, lose custody of her kids, shave her head, and make a comeback. She can still own a chart, and she can still pull a massive audience. 

The point here is that if Miss Brit can do it, I certainly can, too. (Perhaps all but the selling albums and filling an arena...) But, I am not quite as crazy as she was at her worst, I'm not as volatile, I don't have children to worry about, and I don't have paparazzi chasing me, most of the time. :) 

So here is to Britney. She may not have always been the best role model, but I'll be damned if she isn't some kind of an example of something. Every woman in Sacramento was in that arena this weekend. Britney must be doing something right. And without going insane first, I'll be filling my own metaphorical arenas soon. 

no need for a comeback, i'll be here for years. 

and the world is gonna love it. 

L

just like a 5 year old

It seems I got cocky. I thought I was getting stronger, I thought I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. No way I could get to the other side of this tunnel that quickly! I cannot finish a thesis in a month, and I cannot let go of 4 years of love in 3 weeks. That is just how things go, and I was stupid to imagine otherwise. 

The pain is coming in waves. Sometimes the wave has to do with a song, sometimes a smell, sometimes silence, and sometimes he brings it. The e-mails make my heart skip a beat. I get nervous every time the phone plays "Sweet Pea". And for hours after I inevitably read that e-mail and answer that phone call, I have an ache in my stomach. An ache, a physical ache, threatening my ability to function aside from crying and contemplating what ifs, imaginary scenarios. (For the record, what ifs don't get any work done.) 

And just when I think I'm strong enough to get over the e-mails, the phone rings. And maybe I feel strong when the exchange is finished, but 5 minutes later the wave hits again and I get knocked back down. 

I cannot keep falling over. I want to stand strong. I want to be a vision of power. I want to talk to him and feel good about myself afterward. I want to make decisions without looking ahead to the consequences. I want to be me again. 

But it is just not going to happen if I can't remember the basics. Eat your veggies, brush your teeth before bed, drink lots of water, take your vitamins, don't run with scissors, look both ways before you cross the street, wear sunscreen,  tell the truth, don't be a tattle tale, respect your elders, don't talk to strangers, and, probably the most important: 

never turn your back on the ocean. 

L

an unexpected gift

"if you wanna leave 

i won't beg you to stay 

and if you gotta go darling 

maybe it's better that way 

i'm gonna be strong 

i'm gonna be fine 

don't worry about this heart of mine"

(don't turn around. ace of base.) 

those words may be all that 1993 can offer me at the moment, and i am completely satisfied with the contribution. 

"and if you ever think about me, 

just know that i'll be alright" 

L 

Week two.

Two weeks and four days. (Feels like it has been months.) 

I have taken up a temporary residence with a friend. The couches are cozy and the backyard is perfect for absorbing all the Vitamin D the sun has to offer. Unfortunately, that is really all the house can do for me. The pain in my heart has spread to my head, an unrelenting headache that has kept me awake for 24 hours. 

The upside? (Always an upside!) The past few nights I've had very unpleasant dreams. Anxiety-filled dreams, I wake up throughout the night crying. Nothing scary is happening, and nothing realistic, but I am filled with anxiety and panic throughout the dream. Everything is out of my control and I am shaking with ...well... anxiety. I've never had dreams like these. So, if the headache wants to keep me awake, perhaps it is in an effort to get rid of the dreams. Bye bye dreams. (ah.. the irony...) 

I am trying to bury myself in work. If I stay concentrated on working, distracted by writing, I can get through the toughest part of this separation unscathed. I'm finding, though, that if I distract myself with writing I am not skipping this stage of the process, just prolonging. I am supressing it, dealing with it in the shower where tears blend in better, but not letting myself face it completely. This is going to last a long time if I continue telling myself how strong I am. It may be time to let people help me. To start leaning on the people who have offered to be a friend. To let go and stop trying to be amazing. Maybe I can't do this all on my own. 

(I'm no superman. Who'd have thought that Scrubs would be the answer?) 

A progress report: 

- about 5 days since i last cried. (not counting 10 minutes ago, of course.) 

- i have written 3 songs in the past 4 days, 2 of which have music written as well. 

- i have only gone without sleep 1 night. 

- i lost 7 lbs, and this week i gained back 1. 

- i broke the cork in a wine bottle last night and did NOT burst into tears. that is a big huge step forward, in my book. 

- i emailed J a few times today, and he's emailed back. we are having as close to a civilized conversation as possible. 

so far, so good. but it has only been two weeks. 

 

J mentioned today that after May we will probably never see each other again. I suppose this is right, as once May hits I plan to move two hours away, and I doubt this city will ever be my home again. Even so, that hit me like a ton of bricks. (Although, maybe like one or two bricks, as a ton would probably leave me without the ability to be typing this 30 minutes later.) Never see each other again. Wow. That is just a strong strong reality. One that I am not sure I can process! At the moment I feel attacked, on all fronts. Every time I turn, a new reality hits me in the face. I am suddenly unsure of who my friends are. I don't know what I can and cannot do. I am becoming the 'ex', the one I always laughed at, the one I was so much better than. Every day some new realization sneaks up behind me, attacks me, assaults me, leaves me crying and gasping for air, and I'm expected (I expect myself) to shrug it off, be strong, and keep living as planned. 

The first two weeks were about external factors: seeing him, seeing our things, talking about our choices, thinking of him with another woman- or another woman in my house, wondering what he says to his friends, sleeping alone. The next part, if I can guess, will be completely emotional. Little words and seemingly insignificant sentences will get to me. Fear of dreaming will keep me awake. Phantom pains will haunt me. Uncertainty and insecurity will plague my ability to function as I normally would.  Concentration won't be an option. Distraction won't come as easily, because I cannot distract myself from myself. I will go from being too strong for my own good to a mess of a girl in a heap on the floor clinging to her teddy bear and what's left of her self-worth. 

Like I said, it has only been two weeks. 

L

in between

it has been one week and four days, and a dramatic turn around from 2 days ago. 

i have gone 2 days without crying. i have written 10 pages of my book, which is not as much as i should have written, but lately every little victory deserves some recognition. 

2 days without crying. 

i bought lotion that promises to bronze me within a week. today, after one application, i am already looking darker. they've made these lotions better. i remember a day when it took a whole bottle to see a tiny bit of difference... oh the wonderful advances technology has made. really. 

today, feeling energized and empowered for no real reason, i decided to begin packing. all of my laundry was sorted into piles, loads of wash were done. drawers and closets were completely emptied into big plastic boxes according to the season in which i plan to need the contents. full trash bags of old hair products, half used face washes and lotions, broken hair clips, and old make up made their way into the proper garbage receptacle. all my clothing and bathroom products are completely packed away into plastic boxes. 

which made it pretty tough to shower and get dressed just now.

but knowing that i'm making progress, that i'm not sitting in a puddle of my own tears, that i'm that much closer to the next step of this awkward grieving process... thats worth having to dig through plastic boxes for underwear. 

totally worth it. 

L

One Week

This is one week and two days since the breakup. 

(1).. tears are coming on in bursts, not as easy to catch coming on. 

(2).. the facebook stalking is beginning. i'll need to delete him soon. 

(3).. concentrating on other things is difficult, but rewarding. 

(4).. music helps. singing helps. writing songs helps. 

(1) 

I no longer have to cry throughout the day, but the fake happy face is harder to pull off. Someone asked if I was feeling alright this morning and I said "no". That was a little relieving. Admitting that everything is not okay might be step one to being okay in the end. (No more denial?) Facing the truth is tough. 

He met someone over the weekend. She called last night. I overheard the conversation. He didn't sound happy to talk to her, but he didn't sound like he was trying to hang up either. He is moving on, or trying to. And doing it differently than I am. To each his own? I'll get there. I'll get there in my own time, in my own way. For now, I need to get further away from him. 

It may be impossible to be friends after this. I may not be strong enough. (Or suicidal enough.) 

(2) 

Facebook is horrible for breakups. Every status update, every comment, every post signals something in my head. Everything means something. That kind of constant analysis is draining. We haven't taken ourselves out of the relationship yet, as far as Facebook goes. Not ready to admit to the world that we've failed. But I cannot keep checking his page. I cannot keep watching his updates. He is trying to move on, and I need to do the same. Step one, stop the stalking. 

(3)

Focusing on work is horribly difficult. I cannot clear my mind sufficiently to get things done or to write with any certainty. If I leave the house, I get more done, but more isn't much. Nothing in my head is organized or controlled, so organizing thoughts for paper is close to impossible. 

But, once something does get written, once I do accomplish some small feat, I feel so much better. It reminds me that I'm not a failure, that I'm not without some redeeming features, that I'm not completely ruined. I need to keep writing, keep working, keep concentrating. This really is what works best. 

(4)

Leading up to this, I'd stopped listening to music. Lots of NPR. And for the first week, I had no idea what to listen to. Nothing applies. I'm not mad at him. I'm not ready to scream. I had no choices. But slowly I'm building my "get through this" collection. Found the songs that make me feel better. Waiting for them to work their magic. ... 

And I wrote a song last night. I haven't written a song in 4 years. I assumed I had forgotten how, lost my will to write at all. Last night I just wanted to write things down, and out came a song. It feels good to write again. Although, a little pointless. Only writing to get it out. And thats all I need. 

So, one week in. Life goes on. Life isn't fun, life isn't happy, but the sun came out this morning and I've heard no news that a meteor is headed for California, so things really could be worse. 

Not asking for trouble. 

L