fearless

I don't know how it gets better than this

The first night was full of harmless flirtation. Subtle at points, but sometimes terribly obvious. We parted at day break, leaving the dark night to go into a gorgeous sunny day. Still, though, separate.

You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless

The suspense built for two days while we went on with our lives in separate places. Two long days. Really, days the regular length, but oh how they stretched out while waiting for replies to text messages and thinking up clever but cute responses once the phone decided to chime.

And you know I want to ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot

It seems to take forever, but I finally see him again. We meet downtown; I walk in and see him waiting for me. I catch his eye and I swear his eyes smile. We start sitting at least a foot apart. Minutes pass. Move closer. 6 inches. 4. I don't have to try to seem magnetically attracted to him this time, I just am. I don't have to wonder if he noticed my hand brush by his, he notices. Suddenly it's so simple. It happens all by itself. Gravity really does want us to be closer.

Absent mindedly making me want you

We leave, each driving ourselves, and meet somewhere else where his friends are waiting. I try my best to be surreptitious, no one needs to know I am here with him. That's for me to know. That's for me to smile about. Some subtle hand holding. Some half hugs. Some smiling glances. Someone else tries to make a move on me, and immediately I'm whisked out the door. No questions asked. No words to speak, I know he wants me to himself. Heart racing.

So baby drive slow, until we run out of road

He gives me a ride home. Smiling. Holding hands. I feel like a giddy teenager on a first date. All hope, no fear. No past, no present, no fear of the future. Everything has fallen into place and I wasn't afraid for a minute. I'm floating through the night, and so quickly it's over and I'm back to solid ground. Walking to the door, I feel like it's all over too soon. Why can't it last till day break again?

Wait.. why can't it?

And it does.

You stood there with me in the doorway

My hands shake

I'm not usually this way but

You pull me in and I'm a little more brave

It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something

It's fearless

Fearless.

L

*lyrics from Taylor Swift's Fearless

sleep smiling

One of the steps to recovery is trying again.

I was convinced I wouldn't try again. I'd avoid whatever came my way, change the station whenever a love song played, and generally devote my nights to reruns of Frasier and 30 Rock. (Okay, so my nights will probably always be devoted to reruns of some sort. TV is my first love. I cannot move on from that one.)

BUT! In the words of Taylor Swift:

"Hey Stephen,

boy, you might have me believin'

I don't always have to be alone."

Mm, I can't help myself.

I've been listening to 'Hey Stephen' all night, texting digital sweet nothings back and forth with my own Stephen, understanding more and more why Taylor wrote this song.

"Can't help it if I wanna kiss you in the rain, so...

Can't help it if there's no one else.

I can't help myself."

I know I've felt all of this before, but it has been so long, and I was so convinced it'd be longer. So, even if this is destined to be short lived or tainted with unpleasant residual emotion, this smile has been plastered across my face all day. And now I'm going to sleep, and the smile... doesn't look like its going anywhere.

Sleep smiling. It sure has been a while. :)

L