Week two.

Two weeks and four days. (Feels like it has been months.) 

I have taken up a temporary residence with a friend. The couches are cozy and the backyard is perfect for absorbing all the Vitamin D the sun has to offer. Unfortunately, that is really all the house can do for me. The pain in my heart has spread to my head, an unrelenting headache that has kept me awake for 24 hours. 

The upside? (Always an upside!) The past few nights I've had very unpleasant dreams. Anxiety-filled dreams, I wake up throughout the night crying. Nothing scary is happening, and nothing realistic, but I am filled with anxiety and panic throughout the dream. Everything is out of my control and I am shaking with ...well... anxiety. I've never had dreams like these. So, if the headache wants to keep me awake, perhaps it is in an effort to get rid of the dreams. Bye bye dreams. (ah.. the irony...) 

I am trying to bury myself in work. If I stay concentrated on working, distracted by writing, I can get through the toughest part of this separation unscathed. I'm finding, though, that if I distract myself with writing I am not skipping this stage of the process, just prolonging. I am supressing it, dealing with it in the shower where tears blend in better, but not letting myself face it completely. This is going to last a long time if I continue telling myself how strong I am. It may be time to let people help me. To start leaning on the people who have offered to be a friend. To let go and stop trying to be amazing. Maybe I can't do this all on my own. 

(I'm no superman. Who'd have thought that Scrubs would be the answer?) 

A progress report: 

- about 5 days since i last cried. (not counting 10 minutes ago, of course.) 

- i have written 3 songs in the past 4 days, 2 of which have music written as well. 

- i have only gone without sleep 1 night. 

- i lost 7 lbs, and this week i gained back 1. 

- i broke the cork in a wine bottle last night and did NOT burst into tears. that is a big huge step forward, in my book. 

- i emailed J a few times today, and he's emailed back. we are having as close to a civilized conversation as possible. 

so far, so good. but it has only been two weeks. 

 

J mentioned today that after May we will probably never see each other again. I suppose this is right, as once May hits I plan to move two hours away, and I doubt this city will ever be my home again. Even so, that hit me like a ton of bricks. (Although, maybe like one or two bricks, as a ton would probably leave me without the ability to be typing this 30 minutes later.) Never see each other again. Wow. That is just a strong strong reality. One that I am not sure I can process! At the moment I feel attacked, on all fronts. Every time I turn, a new reality hits me in the face. I am suddenly unsure of who my friends are. I don't know what I can and cannot do. I am becoming the 'ex', the one I always laughed at, the one I was so much better than. Every day some new realization sneaks up behind me, attacks me, assaults me, leaves me crying and gasping for air, and I'm expected (I expect myself) to shrug it off, be strong, and keep living as planned. 

The first two weeks were about external factors: seeing him, seeing our things, talking about our choices, thinking of him with another woman- or another woman in my house, wondering what he says to his friends, sleeping alone. The next part, if I can guess, will be completely emotional. Little words and seemingly insignificant sentences will get to me. Fear of dreaming will keep me awake. Phantom pains will haunt me. Uncertainty and insecurity will plague my ability to function as I normally would.  Concentration won't be an option. Distraction won't come as easily, because I cannot distract myself from myself. I will go from being too strong for my own good to a mess of a girl in a heap on the floor clinging to her teddy bear and what's left of her self-worth. 

Like I said, it has only been two weeks. 

L