just like a 5 year old

It seems I got cocky. I thought I was getting stronger, I thought I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. No way I could get to the other side of this tunnel that quickly! I cannot finish a thesis in a month, and I cannot let go of 4 years of love in 3 weeks. That is just how things go, and I was stupid to imagine otherwise. 

The pain is coming in waves. Sometimes the wave has to do with a song, sometimes a smell, sometimes silence, and sometimes he brings it. The e-mails make my heart skip a beat. I get nervous every time the phone plays "Sweet Pea". And for hours after I inevitably read that e-mail and answer that phone call, I have an ache in my stomach. An ache, a physical ache, threatening my ability to function aside from crying and contemplating what ifs, imaginary scenarios. (For the record, what ifs don't get any work done.) 

And just when I think I'm strong enough to get over the e-mails, the phone rings. And maybe I feel strong when the exchange is finished, but 5 minutes later the wave hits again and I get knocked back down. 

I cannot keep falling over. I want to stand strong. I want to be a vision of power. I want to talk to him and feel good about myself afterward. I want to make decisions without looking ahead to the consequences. I want to be me again. 

But it is just not going to happen if I can't remember the basics. Eat your veggies, brush your teeth before bed, drink lots of water, take your vitamins, don't run with scissors, look both ways before you cross the street, wear sunscreen,  tell the truth, don't be a tattle tale, respect your elders, don't talk to strangers, and, probably the most important: 

never turn your back on the ocean. 

L