just one piece

Thought it was over, didn't you. Sorry for the tease.

You've already broken my heart 

Made huge steps this month without you. Pictured life without you and survived completely. Was pretty sure you were gone for good. I mentally started packing our memory box away for closet storage. All I needed was closure. Give me back my keys and make that graceful exit I know you can make.


I'd like to keep at least one piece 


Seems like you can't go quietly. Content to let me fidget and forget and force moving on, but then you sneak back under my skin. It wasn't difficult. You didn't need to be a magician. I could've used some powers to shield myself, but we both know I can't fight the cravings once you wake them up. And somewhere between sunset on Friday and 4 am Sunday- Hello Sunshine.


You can take all that you want 


Wasting no time. You work quickly when there's something on the line, something at stake. Wonder what it is this time? We're starting again like the first time- like the very beginning. Flirting in text messages from completely separate geographic locations. Couldn't see you now if I tried. Makes the words stronger. Makes me more vulnerable. Not complaining.


But you're gonna have to share it with me. 


Chances aren't going to run out for you. I've got an unlimited supply stored up. As long as I wake up smiling after just thinking about you in dreams, you can keep coming around. Please do. But watch your step. I wiped the slate clean this month, so try not to mess it up too quickly. Don't abuse your power.


Share it with me, just one piece. 
L

*Lyrics from Family Force 5's Share It With Me 

worth it

I want to put out something new and amazing.
Yea.. but I've got nothing.

It has been one year and 5 days since the life-changing break-up that inspired this blog. I don't need to explain in too much detail what a trying year this has been in some ways, how amazing it's been in others, or how much I've changed- for better or for worse. I'm not as crazily ambitious as I was a year ago. I'm not as stable as I was a year ago. I'm not as careful as I was a year ago. I'm not as sad as I was a year ago, and not nearly as medicated.
I was happy with J, but now I'm happy with me. That took a while. I'm not as driven as I used to be- in love, in life, in anything. Instead of my PhD, all I want now is some cross between adventure and stability that I'm pretty sure doesn't actually exist yet. I'll find it. I haven't found something yet that I cannot do. This year I've learned more about me than in any year or years before. I'm more confident than I was a year ago. I'm writing more than I was a year ago. I'm singing more than I was a year ago. I'm more me than I was a year ago. If I had to give up that love to find me again, then it was well worth it. There's still plenty of love around here.

I've broken hearts, cried, smiled, chased butterflies, and had my heart broken. This has not been the best year of my life, no, but it has been an immensely important one. I'm learning all the lessons all over again. Yes, I whine about them, but they're worth it. The learning is the best part. The chasing, the falling, the shattering glass... it makes searching for that unattainable stability/adventure combination worth the ride.

So, while I may just be sending this out into the void, thanks J. You made a big decision for both of us, and I've come back to life because of it.
I'm not exactly new, but I feel pretty amazing.
L

damaged

A few weeks ago I burnt my leg. I gave myself a really good second degree burn. It was pretty disgusting. At first it felt like fire. I held iced towels against it and took tons of ibuprofen. When the pain died down, it started trying to heal itself. It wasn't pretty, but you could tell that my immune system was sending valuable nutrients to the surface area to help heal the skin. It kept being not pretty. Now it isn't as disgusting to look at. In fact, it's healing really well. But it is still there. I know I shouldn't swim because it's still vulnerable to infection. I still need to put neosporin on it everyday. It is still painfully visible, and it will scar. There will always be a big scar on my leg to remind me of the time I got clumsy.

There's no physical scar to remind me of the times I've been clumsy with my feelings, with my heart. Sometimes I forget that I am not completely healed. There is no visual reminder that I need to take care of my emotional safety. I feel healed, I feel fine, and then I feel the infection setting in. I've done things to aggravate the wound left by J and since I can't see the bleeding, I don't know how to stop it. It tries to heal itself, but I can't protect it. I can't fix it myself.

So I've been flying blind for the past 7 months. I thought I was fine, healed, progressing beautifully, but I'd just been doing a good job at bandaging the injury. And now, for some reason, I'm out of gauze. It's exposed and it's catching everything that flies toward it. It stings again. It hurts, it aches, it keeps me awake, and it forces me to sleep. I can't face the pain so I have no choice but to sleep all day. I'm safer if I stay inside. It can't get worse if I never face the elements. It has to heal eventually, and I have to shelter it until then.

I thought I'd sheltered it enough in June. I thought so in July. I was fine in August. September. But October has been like pouring rubbing alcohol into cut skin. Weeks of constant, burning, unbearable pain from which I can find no escape but sleep. Maybe friends can help? Only a few. Some even exacerbate the pain. Some pour more alcohol into the cut. It's safer to stay inside. The worse the wound gets, the longer the wound stays open, the darker the scar will be. So I'm going to shelter it. Shelter myself. Hide away from the elements, the world, everything out there that makes life worth living. I'm safer inside.

So thats where I'll be.

L

work is never over

work it harder 

mind control. not someone else's, control your own. convince yourself you don't need this. you deserve better. you can kick this. a silly addiction, infatuation even, and its irrelevant to the rest of your life. 

mind control. convince yourself. if you know it, you know it. 

but you need to know it. own it. be it. live it. know it. 

makes us better 

that'll put it behind you. you don't need to be treated this way, you deserve to be appreciated, loved, for you. not for favors. not for entertainment. you deserve to be loved for you. and since you know it, be it. live it. don't loosen your standards for the first pretty face with a talent for charming your pants off. fight it. you're better than that. you're better than you think you are. 

don't forget that. know it.  

do it faster 

the sooner you know, the sooner you run. cut and run and be happy. don't depend on someone else to make you smile, smile because you don't need someone else. trust your gut, believe your intuition. if your heart says go, but your mind says stop, believe yourself and escape the wreckage. players are gonna play. cheaters are gonna cheat. the first time is never the first time, and its never the last. know what you know and believe in yourself. and don't be afraid to rush out of it. fools rush in. you rush out. and you'll like it. 

makes us stronger 

trust the process. trust that by the end of this, you'll be all you need to be for next time. you will know better, you will be smarter, you will have the power to break the cycle. if they're playing, you're winning. if they're lying, you're seeing. the ball is in your court because you keep it there. the only way to play it safe is to play nothing but offense and dominate that game. back down, get beat. but you won't back down. you don't need to. you don't need time to breathe, you don't need a break, you don't need to nap or reenergize or take a time out. you have stamina. you can do this until it's done. and you will. and you'll like it. 

i know i gotta be right now 

cos i can't get much wronger

L

*lyrics from Daft Punk's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger and Kanye West's Stronger

and so it goes

I am not that girl.

I do not stand by and watch my heart get shredded.

I do not step aside to let someone get in my way.

I do not accept petty apologies.

I do not take second.

But you are that guy.

You let girls think they have a chance because you like the attention.

You lead people on so that you never have to go to bed alone.

You think 'I don't know' is a valid excuse.

You are heartless.

And I won't be that girl.

Let her think she has a chance.

Let her think she's the only one.

Let her answer your calls.

Let her wait all night to hear from you.

I refuse to be that girl.

I will stay here and cry until it's out of my system.

I will ignore your calls until they stop coming.

I will drink by myself until I'm done crying.

I will be here until it's over.

Because you are that guy.

And I am obviously not the girl you are looking for.

I am so much better than that.

Thanks for reminding me.

L

past perfect

Ever seen the ABC show 'Samantha Who?' ? The main character, Samantha, was hit by a car and has had amnesia for about 2 seasons now. She's trying to live an honorable life and be a friendly wonderful person, but every so often (about once an episode, coincidentally...) she gets a flashback from before the accident triggered by a similar situation to which she promises to react differently. In these flashbacks she is an evil bitch, just a horrible backstabbing egomaniac. That's all the background you'll need to catch up with tonight's thought process. 

Lately, I am Samantha. I feel as though I have forgotten everything before 2005! I remember meeting J up until now, but when it comes to remembering dates before J, my lifestyle before J, how I operated around men before J, I am a blank slate. 

Until the flashback.

This morning I was hit with a bit of insight into the pre-2005 L. It hit me like a rock this morning because last night I was her. And to be honest, for the last 2 months, I've been her. And she... she was not always the nicest person. 

Shall I decompress that cryptic file? 

Since I don't remember how my relationships and flings functioned pre-2005, I wasn't entirely sure how to flirt or date when J and I first cut loose. I tried to stay out of the line of fire, flirt lightly to get the hang of things, not get into anything serious. I succeeded! 

Or so I thought. 

Pre-2005, as my flashback reminded me, I was... either a bitch or some type of superhero. I led guys on, although I didn't know I was doing it. I'd date a guy for a bit, and then, when I got bored, I'd ignore them until they stopped calling. Does that make me a bitch for leading them on? Or a superhero for attracting all those men and then giving them a taste of their own man-medicine? 

Much as I'd LOVE to say superhero, I'm afraid it is the former explanation thats most logical. 

(damn.) 

Pre-2005: I led guys on. Flirted shamelessly until they were texting multiple times a day, and then I moved on. Cut them out completely without any warning. 

Now: I've already done this to one. As I realized this morning, I'm in the process of doing it to two more. 

The pluperfect tense refers to an action that happened in the past and continues in the present. I am living the pluperfect, minus the literal sentence structure. Am I evil? Or am I me? Do I need to change the pattern before it continues, or is that just me? Is that just how I work, how I find love, how I operate in relationship situations? Do I need to change it up? Do I need to give out a warning? Or should I just learn a better way to give guys the old 'heave-ho' and jump into the fire? 

I thought dating would be the end of the trouble. 

Oh how it seems to have just begun. 

Again. 

L

and show me a sign

There is a tiny tickle at the bottom of my stomach every time I drive far enough up the highway to cross into the city J and I called home. 

It is a really unpleasant tickle. 

That's putting it softly. Too softly. 

In reality, every exit along the highway through that city makes me cringe. My stomach turns. The nausea is equally unpleasant, reminding me of how sick I was when we first broke up. 

Just when I thought I was doing well enough to leave the house with a smile every day, well enough to have civilized conversations with J, I start having emotional reactions to highway signs. 

The natural response to my new-found fear of highway signs is that the signs remind me of J, remind me of my 'old life'. That, however, is not very fun. In fact, that explanation is mundane and predictable. If I'm going to be sick at the sight of a highway sign, I'd prefer a more creative explanation. 

So from now on, when I drive through the city I used to call home and feel that horrible turn in my stomach, I will blame the nausea on the elevation, the increasingly clean air, the disgusting displays of wealth via unnecessarily large vehicles, the infuriating glare of the sun off the carpool lane signs, an inexplicable pang of hunger which I could blame on any number of fast food signs along the 4 exit stretch... 

Or just what it is. Stop avoiding it. 

The highway makes me sick because it has so few overpasses, obviously. A stretch of highway that long should have overpasses. The lack thereof is blatantly responsible for my sickness. 

Off to petition the city council for more overpasses... 

L 

blink, breathe, smile

i blinked today and something changed. 

something changed inside me, but i did not lose my footing. i did not falter. 

i blinked today, something changed, and the day is still going to end with a smile. 

first and foremost, i am not ready for a new relationship. i am not ready for anything. i am too damaged to even spend time with the same person multiple days in a row! i feel suffocated, stifled, and to be quite honest, i get bitchy. i get bitchy and i do not care. i, my friends, am not ready. and happy to say it out loud. 

but i am ready to cut ties with my old relationship. today J and i cut our final tie to one another. we were each still paying subscriptions on a monthly basis that served the other person. when we lived together these were expenses that just evened out. when we broke up there were bigger things to deal with. for the past couple months, salvaging our friendship was more important than thinking about bills that pretty much cancelled each other out anyway. 

but today we took a step. a big step. today we cut our last tie. and i feel fine. 

overall, today i ventured into new territory, and decided that this new place, lonely as it may sometimes be, is exactly where i belong. 

i belong. 

what a wonderful reason to smile. 

L 

me on the rebound

From Wikipedia: 

" Someone who is "on the rebound," or recently out of a serious dating relationship, is popularly believed to be psychologically incapable of making reasonable decisions regarding suitable partners due to emotional neediness, lingering feelings towards the old partner, or unresolved problems from the previous relationship. Rebound relationships are believed to be short-lived due to one partner's emotional instability and desire to distract themselves from a painful breakup, and those emerging from serious relationships are often advised to avoid serious dating until their tumultuous emotions have calmed. "

I made a conscious decision a couple months ago to be a threat only to my own emotional stability. I know I am 'psychologically incapable' of pulling off a normal dating process right now, so my favor to the men in Northern California is my decision not to date. Sure its tough for me, I have to forget J and I'm not sure how to fill the space, I have to resolve the residual issues without a sounding board. But it's been over 2 months, and I'm doing fine! 

Maybe I'm done with my rebound period. 

HA!!!! 

Definitely not. If anything, it's just begun. I am stronger than I was, I can make sense of J and my past better than I could, I can sleep through the night and go through the day without breaking down!  But I still cannot conquer the loneliness. 

A previous comment mentioned the difference between loneliness and alone, and I'm there. I'm straddling the difference. I am not alone in the world, I am more surrounded by people than I have been in a long time. But that hole left by memories of J, that is a big empty hole. A big lonely place that I have a big problem with avoiding. 

What Wikipedia fails to explicitly mention in the definition of a 'Rebound' is that stupid hole. I know I need to fill it myself, be strong enough to fill that hole with my own self-assuredness and belief in love. And I thought maybe I had. I thought maybe I could perhaps start to maybe think about maybe seeing someone again. But it is becoming more and more obvious that that hole is bigger than I thought. That hole is gaping. And I am desperately reaching out for someone to come and patch the hole, at least some of the time, at least when I'm the most lonely and vulnerable. 

That's unfair to him, to me, and to the hole. The hole demands some respect. I'm constantly demonizing it, but it means well, if a hole can mean.... 

Conclusions: I am still rebounding. When I'm lonely I try to fill the lonely space, which is not a good idea. I can't date yet. 

I am obviously not ready to be a "me" yet, I'm still reverting to being a "we". I don't do it when I'm alert, but once I've had a beer, once I'm tired, once I'm sufficiently stressed, I need "we". 

But like I've said all along, there's no "we" until there's a happy "me". 

And that's that. 

L

just me

Step one: Deny. 

Step two: Cry. 

Step three: Get mad. 

Step four: Cry. 

Step five: Pretend. 

Step six: Cry. 

Step seven: Learn. 

Step eight: Try. 

Step nine: Cry. 

Step ten: Learn. 

(repeat steps six-ten until the next upset, and then begin at step one.) 

Right now I'm hovering at step 6. 

I did a good job of pretending. I believe I am going to be alright, better even, in the end. I know I am making the right decisions for me. I'm sure my life doesn't begin and end where J walks in and out. But am I? 

I still get a cringe in my stomach when I see something that reminds me of him. There are times when my phone gets the best of me and he wakes up a late night text reminding him that I miss being there. Tonight, as I begin to descend into step 6, I am starting to understand 'lonely'. 

The crying hasn't begun yet, and I don't think it will at all tonight, but in the car on my way home I felt completely alone for the first time in a long time. I felt abandoned by the world, stranded in a strange place, confused, lost, scared, and completely alone. For the past hour and 45 minutes I have felt completely alone. 

Soon I will cry, and I will learn, and I will begin to try. Try to feel less alone, try to feel more vital, try to... make my bed in the morning or walk the dog on a set schedule. Try anything. And when I fail, I will cry. But I will keep doing it until this lonely feeling goes away. I need to get used to being 'me' before I can start thinking about being 'we' again. And if being 'me' means getting used to the lonely, then so be it. But I need to get used it. 

God I hope that's less miserable than it sounds. 

L

good grief

I keep running to kick that ball and he keeps pulling it away. 

She is showing up in places I didn't expect her to show up. I controlled for some places, I hid the profiles of people I knew she'd know, but I didn't control for everything. I didn't expect her to have already met all his friends. I didn't expect her to be so close that she comments on their status'. 

Ew. 

I just realized how obsessive I am being over someone who doesn't even know I exist. She haunts my mind during the day and keeps me awake at night, and she has no idea how much I think about her. That is either really creepy or really pathetic. I'm not stalking her- all I know about her is her name- so it must just be pathetic. I am getting pathetic. 

I've been whining about this break up for almost 2 months now. I don't cry as much as I used to, I don't wallow as much as I used to, and I don't need as much support as I used to, but there are residual effects. I'm still adjusting to this new lifestyle. I'm still getting used to being an "I" instead of a "we". I'll be getting used to him being a "we" with someone else for a long time. So, while I feel like I've been whining about the same crap for months, and I am tired of pouring it out on everyone else, it's possible that it's new crap. I have conquered the initial breakup, the breathing problems, the appetite issue, the living situation, the 'grave dressing' process, the making sense of the breakup, the first steps toward continuing to have a life of my own. The new crap I'll be whining about is just that: NEW. It may seem like the same problem, and sure it all stems from the breakup, but its new. I haven't conquered my fear of her. I haven't conquered my newly formed insecurities about dating. I may never be ready to defeat the thought of J loving someone else. But all those things I did conquer? I did it by whining about them. So I'm not going to stop whining. 

As the ancient Greeks would have said, once you put words on paper, they have left you. They are no longer yours. You no longer hold those words, that emotion, that intensity. Whining allows me to get rid of it. Whining here lets me remind myself of all I've gotten rid of. 

So maybe I am pathetic for spending so much time thinking about a girl I will hopefully never see, but I'm getting it out. Soon it'll be gone. 

Eventually I'll kick that damn ball and this game will be over with. 

L 

letter to a friend

dear friend, 

first and foremost, thank you for being there when you were. our weekly get-togethers were a highlight to my week and never failed to make me smile. for years you never failed to offer a helping hand, an extra bed, or simply company. it seems, though, that those years have come to an end. 

dear friend, 

you weren't mine to begin with, but you insisted you were mine in the end. we shared birthdays and hard times, holidays and tears. but i suppose we were never truly each others'. you were not who i called first, and i was not who you called in most situations. in any case, i truly appreciated you and all you did for me and those i love. it seems, though, that your appreciation for me has come to an end. 

dear friend, 

hard times have come upon us again. the past month or two have given us both the opportunity to rethink where we stand both in life and in our friendship. old friends come first. this is something i support with my entire heart. my oldest friends will always be my first priority, so i completely understand where this month has led us. we've been friends for years. it seems, though, that the oldest friend inevitably wins your friendship. 

dear friend, 

i am hurt. i remember hearing that we'd be friends 'no matter what', and that even if our common bond were to dissolve, i would still be able to come to you for friendly companionship. recently, the final hard time we'll share came upon us. shortly after, those promises were broken. you said we could be friends even after something like this. it seems, though, that you didn't know the strength of your other social ties. 

dear friend, 

for future reference, when you say you will be there, be there. when you say you are a friend, be a friend. when you say you will not stop, do not stop. when you say you love someone, love them. i am positive that not all of your friendships have taken this turn, but i am determined to give you the option to keep the rest of them from running this course. if you cannot keep your promises, i suggest not making them. it seems, though, that this advice comes too late. 

dear friend, 

you have crossed a line. you have made me feel alienated in my own relationships. you have made people apologize for being my friend. you have made my grieving process 10x more intense, and 10x more painful, all in one fell swoop. you have disregarded the rules of friendship, stepped in where you should never have stepped in, and crossed every line that has been drawn in any sand. you have been the opposite of a friend since my world has begun crashing down. it seems, though, that you have better things on which to focus your energy.

dear friend, 

you cannot be a friend if you prefer to play matchmaker than help me stop crying. it is blatantly obvious that you would rather participate in the former. 

farewell. 

L

et pas toi

Quoi que je fasse

Où que je sois

Rien ne t'efface

Je pense à toi

Quoi que j'apprenne

Je ne sais pas

Pourquoi je saigne

Et pas toi

(in the words of Jean Jacques Goldman. because he speaks my heart.) 

----

There is no shortage of 'her' in my world today. She has ruined my ability to enjoy an afternoon with a friend. She has ruined my ability to listen to random songs on the radio. For the moment, she has ruined my Thursday evening. 

And she still has no idea. 

I cried all the way home today. I cried walking into the bookstore, I cried in the line, and I cried walking out to my car. I cried when I unlocked the front door and I cried when I poured  my iced tea. I cried when I loaded the washing machine. I cried when I got the mail. I cried until I realized that I could not cry anymore because I have nothing left to cry about. In the past hour I have cried every single tear that is left to be shed over the happiness of two people I barely know. The man I am crying over no longer exists like he does in my heart, and the one who is out there is not the reason I am crying. "She" has done nothing to deserve my tears. I have so many better things to cry for. 

Tomorrow I will start over again. For the 3rd time. And in a few weeks I may have to try again for a 4th. Each time I am stronger, I am more determined. Each time I am a brighter more beautiful version of me, standing tall and poised and ready to face the rest of the world. I may not have the other half of my team, but I am building my skin stronger and thicker. I am getting smarter and tougher. I am brave enough to face the 3rd time. And I'll be naive enough turn to face the 4th and 5th with courage and hope. I will get knocked down again. I will cry again. I will fall and break and put myself together again. But the point is that I will. Regardless of whether he knows or cares or feels, I will. 

Parce que je saigne, et pas toi. 

L

her

I have found the common thread. 

Some days I feel awesome, and suddenly, inexplicably, my mood drops into the deep abyss of miserable-town. 

I tried, at first, to locate the source of the misery by noticing what time it kicked in, on which days, in which outfits. I gave up on wearing slacks because I was consistently saddened on days when I wore dress pants. I began wearing jeans and bright shirts on Mondays to bring me comfort and happiness enough to combat what I thought were Monday blues. I avoid contact with people of authority between 830 and 930 am, because talking to them around then has a positive correlation with my unhappiness. 

But it has nothing to do with my pants, Mondays, or 9 am. 

It has to do with her. 

Some days I see her name on Facebook, and consequently have to hide a mutual friend's status updates. Some days I hear a name like hers and have to remind myself that they are not the same. Some days I see people smiling, holding hands, looking at each other, and I know that I am not those people. The common thread isn't what I'm doing, what I control. The common thread is what I'm not. 

I am not her. 

So I am not going to wear dress pants to work. And I am going to keep wearing jeans on Monday. And I am still going to avoid authority around 9 am. I am going to keep seeking out ways to avoid random trips to misery-town,  because I can't avoid her. No matter how many precautions I take, she will always be out there, somewhere, smiling, laughing, holding hands. Happily taking my place. Happily living a piece of my life for me. 

And she has no idea.

L  

the times i remember

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

-The Princess Bride

In the beginning there were moments when I forgot how hurt I was, when the pain temporarily ceased to exist. There were times when, for maybe a minute, maybe 20 minutes, I forgot that I was abandoned by love and all I knew of it. 

Tonight I realized what amazing progress I've made in the past month. Tonight I remembered. Tonight I noticed that there are times when, maybe for a minute, maybe 20 minutes, I remember that I was abandoned by love. 

Is it better to be dripping with pain and have fleeting moments of sunlight, or to have indifferent sunlight drenched in moments of pain? At least a month ago I appreciated every fleck of light I saw; now light is light, I expect light, I take it for granted. Maybe, although horribly unpleasant, being surrounded by darkness makes the light that much brighter, that much better, that much more worth straining to see. 

Or am I just a glutton for punishment, begging for more of the pain I've been strong enough to overcome so far? I suppose I just can't get enough. More rain = More rainbows. Suppose I'm getting bored being so indifferent all the time. I'm a glutton for rainbows. 

The real challenge, and my next obstacle, will be turning the rain into rainbows. Sure the rain is good for my allergies, and the planet, of course, but from now on when I remember, I'm going to try to make it a quick rain with a definite rainbow, followed by nothing but sunshine. 

Because I know I can't fight it. I am happy that I no longer only get moments to forget, but I doesn't make it hurt any less at those times when I remember. 

Here's to the rainbows. 

L

the pure and simple truth

I've been reading the Between Boyfriends Book, which is a collection of essays by a woman who writes about dating. (By "been reading", I mean I started it yesterday while I got a pedicure, and thats as far as I've gotten. Just to be honest.) 

Regardless of my reading habits, the author made a really brilliant point on page 4- right up in the beginning of this book. She had me. Here's the revelation: 

Men (some) put off breakups and approach them in idiotic ways because 'they don't want to make you cry'. Thing is "we're not crying because of them, we're crying because now we have to get naked in front of someone else. It's enough already." 

Can I get an Amen? 

As a recent breakup survivor, I feel qualified to talk about the art of surviving post-breakup. (If you require more credentials, I'll send you my Vita.) At first, there are tears. You cry because the relationship has ended, because an important chapter of your life has screeched to a halt, because you are faced with a big hole in your previously blissfully whole world.

But right after that, literally right after- an almost seamless transition you may not even notice, you cry because you have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN. That reality is possibly more daunting than getting over 'him'. 

And so the post-breakup hustle begins. You go to the gym more often (which could mean once a month, but you're still going). You start master cleansing diets (lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and syrup, anyone? Slim quick? Detox tea?). You counteract all the ice cream and wine with nothing but water during the day.  You cover yourself in lotion after every shower and self tanner after every exfoliation. (Yes, you exfoliate now. On a bi-weekly basis.) You try to become your pre-relationship self because she could be naked and proud. She was hot. 

Reality check.

Unfortunately, you aren't her. And the person you are now STILL has to get naked in front of someone else someday. And that, my friends, is the truth. 

The ugly truth. 

L 

without you

It has been a few days, and life has gone on. I've made some silly choices, had some fun with friends, and done a little sleeping. All in all, it hasn't been a bad weekend, but I have begun to notice just how big a part J plays in my life. 

He was my boyfriend, my roommate, my love, but he was also my best friend. It may not have seemed like it toward the end, but when I get home from a long day what I want most is to tell J about it. I want to hold hands while he watches his show and I fall asleep. I want to know that even though I made some dumb decisions, he is still going to be there to walk me through the aftermath. I miss that safety. 

True, I need to be strong for myself. He has said that he feels like he is shielding me from the world, and in a way that's true, I suppose, but I never asked him to. All I want him to do is shield me for a couple minutes a day while recuperate from the last 12 hours. I need that. Or, maybe I don't need it, but I don't know how to operate without it. Where do I hide? Where can I go to be shielded? Where can I turn to protect myself from.. well.. myself? 

J was a voice of reason, a guiding light when I lost my way. I know this seems vague, but thats really what he was to me. He was an amazing other half. 

And tonight, I just miss being whole. 

L 

just like a 5 year old

It seems I got cocky. I thought I was getting stronger, I thought I was starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. No way I could get to the other side of this tunnel that quickly! I cannot finish a thesis in a month, and I cannot let go of 4 years of love in 3 weeks. That is just how things go, and I was stupid to imagine otherwise. 

The pain is coming in waves. Sometimes the wave has to do with a song, sometimes a smell, sometimes silence, and sometimes he brings it. The e-mails make my heart skip a beat. I get nervous every time the phone plays "Sweet Pea". And for hours after I inevitably read that e-mail and answer that phone call, I have an ache in my stomach. An ache, a physical ache, threatening my ability to function aside from crying and contemplating what ifs, imaginary scenarios. (For the record, what ifs don't get any work done.) 

And just when I think I'm strong enough to get over the e-mails, the phone rings. And maybe I feel strong when the exchange is finished, but 5 minutes later the wave hits again and I get knocked back down. 

I cannot keep falling over. I want to stand strong. I want to be a vision of power. I want to talk to him and feel good about myself afterward. I want to make decisions without looking ahead to the consequences. I want to be me again. 

But it is just not going to happen if I can't remember the basics. Eat your veggies, brush your teeth before bed, drink lots of water, take your vitamins, don't run with scissors, look both ways before you cross the street, wear sunscreen,  tell the truth, don't be a tattle tale, respect your elders, don't talk to strangers, and, probably the most important: 

never turn your back on the ocean. 

L

an unexpected gift

"if you wanna leave 

i won't beg you to stay 

and if you gotta go darling 

maybe it's better that way 

i'm gonna be strong 

i'm gonna be fine 

don't worry about this heart of mine"

(don't turn around. ace of base.) 

those words may be all that 1993 can offer me at the moment, and i am completely satisfied with the contribution. 

"and if you ever think about me, 

just know that i'll be alright" 

L 

3 am relapse

It is 3:30, and I am about to reach for my phone to call J and ask what he is doing. 

Thing is, I know what he is doing. I knew exactly where he is. He is at an event for a friend of ours. I turned the event down, because I wanted him to have the night to himself to have fun and get his time without me staring at him.

Still. I want to call and ask what he is doing. I want to ask if he is busy, if he wants to talk, if he is doing alright. I want to ruin his night with thoughts of me. I want to float into his head and ruin whatever he was contemplating before. 

Instead, I'm typing. 

I type because it is harmless. No one can get mad at me for typing. No one can tell me I am selfish for typing my feelings. No one can be upset because I am typing. No one. 

(And if you are mad, really, close the window. I don't know you. You should not be so upset.) 

- By the way, coherent sentences? Not happening in this post. If you require them, skip this. -

So, I want to ruin his night. Part of me wants to completely rain on his night by reminding him that I exist. However, part of me wants to be bigger than that. And that second part of me is the one that will win. Here is why: 

1. He is strong. I am strong. Therefore, if he doesn't need to talk to me at 3 am, I can make it just the same. 

2. So.. thats all I have. Just the one. 

But.. one was enough. The part of me that is big enough and strong enough will prevail. I am stubborn, have been since I was born, and tonight that stubborn part of me is going to keep my strength stronger than my will to reach for the phone. 

Oh 3am. What are you doing to me. 

L