et pas toi

Quoi que je fasse

Où que je sois

Rien ne t'efface

Je pense à toi

Quoi que j'apprenne

Je ne sais pas

Pourquoi je saigne

Et pas toi

(in the words of Jean Jacques Goldman. because he speaks my heart.) 

----

There is no shortage of 'her' in my world today. She has ruined my ability to enjoy an afternoon with a friend. She has ruined my ability to listen to random songs on the radio. For the moment, she has ruined my Thursday evening. 

And she still has no idea. 

I cried all the way home today. I cried walking into the bookstore, I cried in the line, and I cried walking out to my car. I cried when I unlocked the front door and I cried when I poured  my iced tea. I cried when I loaded the washing machine. I cried when I got the mail. I cried until I realized that I could not cry anymore because I have nothing left to cry about. In the past hour I have cried every single tear that is left to be shed over the happiness of two people I barely know. The man I am crying over no longer exists like he does in my heart, and the one who is out there is not the reason I am crying. "She" has done nothing to deserve my tears. I have so many better things to cry for. 

Tomorrow I will start over again. For the 3rd time. And in a few weeks I may have to try again for a 4th. Each time I am stronger, I am more determined. Each time I am a brighter more beautiful version of me, standing tall and poised and ready to face the rest of the world. I may not have the other half of my team, but I am building my skin stronger and thicker. I am getting smarter and tougher. I am brave enough to face the 3rd time. And I'll be naive enough turn to face the 4th and 5th with courage and hope. I will get knocked down again. I will cry again. I will fall and break and put myself together again. But the point is that I will. Regardless of whether he knows or cares or feels, I will. 

Parce que je saigne, et pas toi. 

L