Some days I feel awesome, and suddenly, inexplicably, my mood drops into the deep abyss of miserable-town.
I tried, at first, to locate the source of the misery by noticing what time it kicked in, on which days, in which outfits. I gave up on wearing slacks because I was consistently saddened on days when I wore dress pants. I began wearing jeans and bright shirts on Mondays to bring me comfort and happiness enough to combat what I thought were Monday blues. I avoid contact with people of authority between 830 and 930 am, because talking to them around then has a positive correlation with my unhappiness.
But it has nothing to do with my pants, Mondays, or 9 am.
It has to do with her.
Some days I see her name on Facebook, and consequently have to hide a mutual friend's status updates. Some days I hear a name like hers and have to remind myself that they are not the same. Some days I see people smiling, holding hands, looking at each other, and I know that I am not those people. The common thread isn't what I'm doing, what I control. The common thread is what I'm not.
I am not her.
So I am not going to wear dress pants to work. And I am going to keep wearing jeans on Monday. And I am still going to avoid authority around 9 am. I am going to keep seeking out ways to avoid random trips to misery-town, because I can't avoid her. No matter how many precautions I take, she will always be out there, somewhere, smiling, laughing, holding hands. Happily taking my place. Happily living a piece of my life for me.
And she has no idea.
L
:( and that is the hardest part. it's one thing to try to get over the breakup when it's just dealing with you and him. but it's quite another when all of a sudden someone else is standing in your shoes doing the things you were supposed to be doing.
ReplyDeletebut like i said before...you are strong and one day you'll wake up and put on dress pants without even thinking about how you once correlated them with being sad.