good grief

I keep running to kick that ball and he keeps pulling it away. 

She is showing up in places I didn't expect her to show up. I controlled for some places, I hid the profiles of people I knew she'd know, but I didn't control for everything. I didn't expect her to have already met all his friends. I didn't expect her to be so close that she comments on their status'. 

Ew. 

I just realized how obsessive I am being over someone who doesn't even know I exist. She haunts my mind during the day and keeps me awake at night, and she has no idea how much I think about her. That is either really creepy or really pathetic. I'm not stalking her- all I know about her is her name- so it must just be pathetic. I am getting pathetic. 

I've been whining about this break up for almost 2 months now. I don't cry as much as I used to, I don't wallow as much as I used to, and I don't need as much support as I used to, but there are residual effects. I'm still adjusting to this new lifestyle. I'm still getting used to being an "I" instead of a "we". I'll be getting used to him being a "we" with someone else for a long time. So, while I feel like I've been whining about the same crap for months, and I am tired of pouring it out on everyone else, it's possible that it's new crap. I have conquered the initial breakup, the breathing problems, the appetite issue, the living situation, the 'grave dressing' process, the making sense of the breakup, the first steps toward continuing to have a life of my own. The new crap I'll be whining about is just that: NEW. It may seem like the same problem, and sure it all stems from the breakup, but its new. I haven't conquered my fear of her. I haven't conquered my newly formed insecurities about dating. I may never be ready to defeat the thought of J loving someone else. But all those things I did conquer? I did it by whining about them. So I'm not going to stop whining. 

As the ancient Greeks would have said, once you put words on paper, they have left you. They are no longer yours. You no longer hold those words, that emotion, that intensity. Whining allows me to get rid of it. Whining here lets me remind myself of all I've gotten rid of. 

So maybe I am pathetic for spending so much time thinking about a girl I will hopefully never see, but I'm getting it out. Soon it'll be gone. 

Eventually I'll kick that damn ball and this game will be over with. 

L