Step two: Cry.
Step three: Get mad.
Step four: Cry.
Step five: Pretend.
Step six: Cry.
Step seven: Learn.
Step eight: Try.
Step nine: Cry.
Step ten: Learn.
(repeat steps six-ten until the next upset, and then begin at step one.)
Right now I'm hovering at step 6.
I did a good job of pretending. I believe I am going to be alright, better even, in the end. I know I am making the right decisions for me. I'm sure my life doesn't begin and end where J walks in and out. But am I?
I still get a cringe in my stomach when I see something that reminds me of him. There are times when my phone gets the best of me and he wakes up a late night text reminding him that I miss being there. Tonight, as I begin to descend into step 6, I am starting to understand 'lonely'.
The crying hasn't begun yet, and I don't think it will at all tonight, but in the car on my way home I felt completely alone for the first time in a long time. I felt abandoned by the world, stranded in a strange place, confused, lost, scared, and completely alone. For the past hour and 45 minutes I have felt completely alone.
Soon I will cry, and I will learn, and I will begin to try. Try to feel less alone, try to feel more vital, try to... make my bed in the morning or walk the dog on a set schedule. Try anything. And when I fail, I will cry. But I will keep doing it until this lonely feeling goes away. I need to get used to being 'me' before I can start thinking about being 'we' again. And if being 'me' means getting used to the lonely, then so be it. But I need to get used it.
God I hope that's less miserable than it sounds.
L
Doesn't sound so miserable. And I know that feeling all too well. I can say that it fades - sometimes it will even appear to disappear. But it's never really gone. If I have learned anything (and perhaps that's debatable - but for the sake of argument...), there is a profound difference between being lonely and being alone.
ReplyDeleteDeep, I know, but you started it.