the times i remember

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

-The Princess Bride

In the beginning there were moments when I forgot how hurt I was, when the pain temporarily ceased to exist. There were times when, for maybe a minute, maybe 20 minutes, I forgot that I was abandoned by love and all I knew of it. 

Tonight I realized what amazing progress I've made in the past month. Tonight I remembered. Tonight I noticed that there are times when, maybe for a minute, maybe 20 minutes, I remember that I was abandoned by love. 

Is it better to be dripping with pain and have fleeting moments of sunlight, or to have indifferent sunlight drenched in moments of pain? At least a month ago I appreciated every fleck of light I saw; now light is light, I expect light, I take it for granted. Maybe, although horribly unpleasant, being surrounded by darkness makes the light that much brighter, that much better, that much more worth straining to see. 

Or am I just a glutton for punishment, begging for more of the pain I've been strong enough to overcome so far? I suppose I just can't get enough. More rain = More rainbows. Suppose I'm getting bored being so indifferent all the time. I'm a glutton for rainbows. 

The real challenge, and my next obstacle, will be turning the rain into rainbows. Sure the rain is good for my allergies, and the planet, of course, but from now on when I remember, I'm going to try to make it a quick rain with a definite rainbow, followed by nothing but sunshine. 

Because I know I can't fight it. I am happy that I no longer only get moments to forget, but I doesn't make it hurt any less at those times when I remember. 

Here's to the rainbows. 

L