finally home

I'm taking the leap. It is overwhelming and scary and huge... but I feel fine. I'm not in any of this alone.

boy i hear you in my dreams / i feel your whisper across the sea

It has been a habit of mine for the past couple years to assume that everything ends. And, because everything ends, I assume that there is no point in making a beginning. This mentality made for some really miserable days and some unbelievably magical ones. I wouldn't change a thing about any of it. The tears and the smiles were all worth whatever struggle they came with. But... (yes, there is always a but)


i keep you with me in my heart / you make it easier when life gets hard

I'm not dooming this with an end. I'm thinking as far to forever as I possibly can. Granted, for me forever right now could be anything from a day to 50 years; I'm not exactly stable. Luckily, he knows. He has known for a year. He has waited for me to be ready. He's put in more effort than I know, and all based on his belief that I'm worth it. I don't even know if I'm worth it. For some reason he does, and I can't explain how different that feels. He understands that I'm volatile and not exactly all in one piece, and for whatever reason, he's willing to deal with that. He wants to deal with me, wake up to me, flaws and all. For the foreseeable forever.

as the world keeps spinning round / you hold me right here right now

While I'm moving, and starting new jobs, and crying in my room at night over the uncontrollable loneliness I've come down with, he's there. For better or for worse.
Please don't let me screw this up.
L

*lyrics from Jason Mraz and Colbie Callait's Lucky

the view from here

All I can hope for is someone to love me. I want that love to be as I imagine it-- a little bit selfish, but undying; all mine, committed and proven; safe, but not the easy way. I want him to be who I call on my way home for the night, although I need not spend every night with him. I want the honeymoon phase, but I want it to last the rest of my life, not just a really intense 3 weeks of perfection. For all normal purposes, I have unreasonable standards.

I just want someone to say to me... 

I tested the grass on the other side. It was a let down. I remembered what it was like to be ignored and to battle for passive attention. I want the attention to be mine, all mine, all the time. I don't like having to fight for it. And knowing I've been passed off to a wingman is just not something I can handle. I need the alpha, and I need to know that I'm the alpha. But there is something to be said for hopping to the other side. It is a potent reminder of how wonderful your side is.

I'll always be there when you wake... 

As far as I can tell, he wants me. He wants to love me in a somewhat selfish way, that is mostly for me but entirely for him. He is happy to see me, to talk to me, to know me. He might even need me if he'd let himself think so. (And he won't. I wouldn't. Can't blame him.) We are both stubborn and self-assured. We both want to be right, and we both win our arguments. We should clash instantly, but he lets me slide for being me. He likes me for being me. Me. This is new and unusual ground. I'm talking more about myself than about him. I'm more challenged by his appreciation for me than by his disregard for me. It is new territory. He likes me more than I like him. But every glance to the other side reminds me that I like him more than I admit that I do.

So stay with me and I'll have it made. 

Whether I want to admit it or not, I have really hit something good here. Now lets all put our heads down and pray that I don't fuck it up.
I have such a tendency to fuck things up.
L

*Lyrics from Blind Melon's No Rain 

sleepless

I think I'll know when I find 'the one'- or at least the next real thing- when I stop thinking of C as I'm trying to sleep.
(Until then, thank you for giving me such difficult sleep cycles. It certainly is hard to get to sleep while I'm thinking about missing you, but the dreams are awfully wonderful.)
Sweet dreams.
L

just one piece

Thought it was over, didn't you. Sorry for the tease.

You've already broken my heart 

Made huge steps this month without you. Pictured life without you and survived completely. Was pretty sure you were gone for good. I mentally started packing our memory box away for closet storage. All I needed was closure. Give me back my keys and make that graceful exit I know you can make.


I'd like to keep at least one piece 


Seems like you can't go quietly. Content to let me fidget and forget and force moving on, but then you sneak back under my skin. It wasn't difficult. You didn't need to be a magician. I could've used some powers to shield myself, but we both know I can't fight the cravings once you wake them up. And somewhere between sunset on Friday and 4 am Sunday- Hello Sunshine.


You can take all that you want 


Wasting no time. You work quickly when there's something on the line, something at stake. Wonder what it is this time? We're starting again like the first time- like the very beginning. Flirting in text messages from completely separate geographic locations. Couldn't see you now if I tried. Makes the words stronger. Makes me more vulnerable. Not complaining.


But you're gonna have to share it with me. 


Chances aren't going to run out for you. I've got an unlimited supply stored up. As long as I wake up smiling after just thinking about you in dreams, you can keep coming around. Please do. But watch your step. I wiped the slate clean this month, so try not to mess it up too quickly. Don't abuse your power.


Share it with me, just one piece. 
L

*Lyrics from Family Force 5's Share It With Me 

when you know

One morning, it happens.

You can't plan for it. You aren't expecting it. Maybe you've tried for weeks, for months, but you never thought it would happen so suddenly.
But then it does.

I'm caught off guard by something that should be spectacular. Cue the fireworks. I've hit the wall- the ultimate wall- the wall standing between me and the edge of my ability to reason a failing relationship. I don't need him anymore.
Finally, I can carry myself.

C,
This is bittersweet. I love you, but I don't need you like I used to need you. I am happy to wake up alone. I am content to come home and tuck myself in. I am excited about life outside of when I'll see you next. I'm not sure if you gave me this, but you didn't deprive me of it, so I owe you a couple thank you's.

First, for showing me love again. It has been a long road for us, in the grand scheme of things. You've been leading me on for at least a year. I've been enjoying it for just as long. Ultimately my appreciation for tears, feelings, smiles, and happiness has been dependent upon your provisions. Thank you for providing. Even for the tears.

Second, for breaking my heart. I may be a masochist. I thrive on heartbreak. I can't write if I'm happy. I don't get into relationships that will be stable or amicable or perfect. I am drawn to frustrating, aggravating, disturbing situations. Ours was one. I loved every excruciating minute of it. But it's run its course.
I feel stronger than I have been. I feel prouder than I have been. We haven't spoken in a week, and in that week I've written more, thought more, and grown more than I have in months. I've considered moving across the country. I've almost- check back in a week- committed to moving across the country. I've made progress on my thesis. I've cleaned my apartment and had a party for my friends. I've met new people. I've seen new things. I've flown. I've sung. I've lived.
A month ago I'd have spent that time waiting for you.

Until tonight I didn't realize how much time it'd been. It's been a while. I won't lie and say I don't miss you; I do. Like crazy. But I'm not incapable of surviving anymore.
That is a huge step forward.

I hope you know that I tried.


I never wanted to give you away 
I still love you 
but I don't need you 


I just couldn't say it better myself.
L

*Lyrics from O-Town's I Still Love You

leftover fireworks

Kids down the street are still setting off loud, obnoxious, fire-spewing noise-makers. I assume they are kids, which is in their best interest. I can't hit kids. It has been 3 days since the 4th of July. Two questions: 1) Why aren't they done with their fireworks yet? It's been 3 days! 2) Why do I assume they have to use up all their fun in one day? These kids might just be on to something.
I'm not though, so it pisses me off. I'm a user. I use everything up until I'm done with it. Immediately. Unless it- whatever it may be- decides to walk away before I'm finished, it's getting used up. This generally applies to ice cream, beer, boys, and money. Most of these don't go before I'm done. The ones that do, well, who am I kidding? If you're reading this, you know what happens to those that leave before I finish with them. They stick around. I don't let them go. They haunt my dreams and show up during the day. They appear at my neighborhood bar and know people in my classes. They walk by at the mall and their names show up in interviews.
If I don't use up all the spark I can get to, it keeps sparking. I'm not up for fire burns. I'm not in the mood to deal with injuries again. I would rather use up all the damn fireworks when they're called for, so I can move on. Give myself another year before I have to step into that death trap again.
But I've still spent a year burning myself on sparklers... I have very little room to complain.
I just keep lighting them.
L

if only

All it takes is 5 minutes.

So many days I have an aching feeling all over my body. It manifests mostly in my shoulders, and some days burns into my lower back. It stings when I first wake up and turns into a dull ache that lasts most of the day. The days I wake up without the pain are the days I wake up next to C.

Turns out I don't even need to be next to him. He's 3 hours away tonight, but a quick text message has already lifted so much of the pressure I'd anticipated waking up to tomorrow.

Just 5 minutes, and an unlimited texting plan, and everyone wakes up happy.

If only it were always so simple.
L

because/not because

Made excuses. Some for him, some for me. Decided I am love sick, willing to put myself through bad to get good. Decided his phone dies frequently. Interesting, really, as he doesn't so much answer texts. Bad battery, that phone. I could stop liking him if I wanted to. He still loves me under that tough exterior. His friends don't like me because I intimidate them, not because they really don't like me. I'm still awake because I was cleaning, not because I am waiting for a call. I have to check my phone constantly because the volume is low. If he called after I went to bed, I'd still go get him. But because I don't want him to drive if he's tired or tipsy, not because I am that dependent. I'm waiting for him because he's going to feed my cat while I'm out of town, not because I want him. I'm still up thinking about him because... because... because no one else is worth thinking about at the moment. If someone worth thinking about came along, I'd think of them instead. Nothing wrong with that. This is all completely healthy. This relationship works in its own way. Its got special circumstances; we have very specific compatibility requirements. This works as well as it can with these restrictions. I'm totally happy with this limited interaction. I'm waiting up because I worry about his safety, not because if I fall asleep I might miss a call. 

Next time I'm making excuses that help. 

L

not another girl meets boy

Stuck somewhere between La Roux's "I'm Not Your Toy" and B.O.B.'s "Airplanes". I'm either happy or not. Somewhere between a minor chord and a major in my head. I'm as confused as Lady Gaga's parents must be when they look at baby pictures. Even my body is in limbo-- the front half of me is burnt to a deep lobster red, and the back half is plain and pale. I'm awake and alert but all I want to do is sleep it off. I really do not like this in between.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
Cos I could really use a wish right now. 

My wish would be for this burn to go away. I'm pretty completely sure that if this burn disappeared, all the other things plaguing my mind would fade pretty quickly. I spent the weekend at a soccer tournament, watching C play, like I did all last summer. Sitting in the grass and watching him coach from the back of the field, run on his extremely f-ed up leg, cooly defend his keeper... nothing could make me happier for 20 minutes at a time. But once the game ends, life gets back to normal. He's just as cool off the field. He nods at me. Smiles. And walks away. He texts one word answers and I text sentences back. I crave his attention and he basks in mine. 

I've been doing this- we've been doing this- for a year. Officially for a year next Sunday. 

It's all false love and affection. 

You don't want me, you just like the attention.

Stupid sparks. Gets in the way of everything. My brain cant differentiate between anger and love, so I am trapped in this spark-heavy trap. And everyone I meet, everyone I date, everyone I spend an hour getting to know, every one of them falls short. Not because they aren't great people. They are! They're fantastic! They are all perfect catches! But if my heart doesn't skip a beat, I don't have the urge to try anymore. Someone else gets my attention for a week, but it always goes back to C. 

I'm sure thats how he likes it. I probably like it that way, too. Damn my spark-cravings. 

Prom girl wipes her tears with silver lines, and she can't get enough. 

I bring it all on myself. I know, but I like it. And if my sunburn went away, I could get back to enjoying the mess I've buried myself in. 

I just love love. I love love too much. I love it so much that every emotion wants to be love. 

But at least thats one thing I've got straight. 

L 

**Lyrics from B.O.B.'s Airplanes, La Roux's I'm Not Your Toy, and Lady Gaga's I Like It Rough.

ordinary

Not settling for less than "extraordinary" is a lot more work than I remember it being. 

At 19, everything was extraordinary. Every guy who looked my way was a step in the right direction. Every boy I fell for was spectacularly better than the last. I had a way of looking at each new love as though it were the most amazing thing that could ever happen to a girl like me. 

I lost it. 

Nothing is extraordinary anymore. Ordinary is all I can muster up. The only extraordinary moments are a select few with C- not all the time, anymore. But the point of this is not to dissect some moments with C. I'm introducing the next character in this soap opera drama: V.

V likes me. I like V more than I've liked anyone recently. We've been on 3 dates. I haven't once had to ignore a call or text from him. I don't feel like running away. I don't feel like running in, either. We are nothing extraordinary. We get along well in public and one-on-one. He is a good guy, I don't feel like I'm in danger of heartbreak. I'm not terribly worried that I'll hurt him, either. But thats not to say that I'm in this with all of me. I just think he seems rational enough to bounce back when I start ignoring his calls. 

Once again, I'm missing the spark. 

Is it settling if I wait this one out to see where it goes, even though the spark is obviously absent? Or can we just call that good sense? I think I've answered it for myself. 

It's not extraordinary. It might be a bit better than ordinary, but I've had extraordinary, and this doesn't begin to compare. I'll give it a few more shots... but then back to the war path. 

Hopefully he understands.

L

my way

(Just prose, been sitting in draft form, unfinished, for too long. Needed to be freed!)

You set me free
By doing what you've always done.
What kept me here so long
Is what's giving me the power to run.
And I will.
I will run.
Because I'm not so sure how long my disenchantment will last.

You're ignorant. Mean.
You're indifferent and heartless.
You didn't try.
You let me try.
You let me fight.
You let me cry.
You let me suffer.
You let me destroy myself,
And never tried to stop me.
Where's the honor in that?
Miserable.
You are miserable.
A miserable excuse for a man.
A pathetic picture of a boy.

Someday you'll know.
And I hope it kills you to see all I saw.
I hope it gives you nightmares.
I hope it gives you chills throughout random days.
I hope you suffer through heartache with no hope of escape,
And I hope you make it to the other side.
I hope you see how strong you have to be.
You deserve to know first hand
What you had
What you did
What I loved through.

But I set me free.
I had enough. I saw the end.
You did what you did
Over and Over.
You never changed.
You never felt.
You never tried.
And I felt enough for both of us.
I loved enough for both of us.
I tried.
But not enough for both of us.
Needed you,
But that's not your style.

So while I'm feeling stronger,
While I know I can make the trip,
I'm going.
I'm letting myself feel other things-
New things and fantastic things-
Things that will give me new scars you could never think to inflict.
I've been set free by exactly what had me so trapped.
I just had to learn to sail through.
Navigate the fantastic whirlwinds that got me caught on you.
Fun at first, but unfortunate when I've stayed this long.
I can get out now.

And I'm on my way.
L

loves me like a rock

My head is a disaster. I have been repeatedly running myself into a rock, hoping that at one point the rock will reach out and hold me and tell me to stop doing it. Who am I kidding? It's a rock. I will keep running myself into it until I've learned my lesson. I've been running into it for 8 years. Book smart is not the same thing as common sense. Love sick is nothing if not ignorant. I am a fairy tale dreamer, and in my dream the rock eventually reaches out to love me.
Waking up.

Eventually this will all wear me down. I'm scared that one day I will lose my optimism. I don't want to become the woman who sees things realistically all the time. Much as it hurts, I would rather keep running into that damn rock, keep feeling the ups and downs, keep crying and screaming and smiling and hoping... I want to believe- always- that there is something worth believing in.

One day that rock will hold me. Love me. Please don't let me forget that.
The pain is starting to get dull. I'm starting to forget. I'm starting to give up.
But if you aren't going to run at that rock with full force, then why bother running at all?
So, rock, it is best for you to give in. I will keep running, and keep slamming into you, until I've worn out a cozy little hole for myself or broken you down in the process.
Get ready to love me.
L

worth it

I want to put out something new and amazing.
Yea.. but I've got nothing.

It has been one year and 5 days since the life-changing break-up that inspired this blog. I don't need to explain in too much detail what a trying year this has been in some ways, how amazing it's been in others, or how much I've changed- for better or for worse. I'm not as crazily ambitious as I was a year ago. I'm not as stable as I was a year ago. I'm not as careful as I was a year ago. I'm not as sad as I was a year ago, and not nearly as medicated.
I was happy with J, but now I'm happy with me. That took a while. I'm not as driven as I used to be- in love, in life, in anything. Instead of my PhD, all I want now is some cross between adventure and stability that I'm pretty sure doesn't actually exist yet. I'll find it. I haven't found something yet that I cannot do. This year I've learned more about me than in any year or years before. I'm more confident than I was a year ago. I'm writing more than I was a year ago. I'm singing more than I was a year ago. I'm more me than I was a year ago. If I had to give up that love to find me again, then it was well worth it. There's still plenty of love around here.

I've broken hearts, cried, smiled, chased butterflies, and had my heart broken. This has not been the best year of my life, no, but it has been an immensely important one. I'm learning all the lessons all over again. Yes, I whine about them, but they're worth it. The learning is the best part. The chasing, the falling, the shattering glass... it makes searching for that unattainable stability/adventure combination worth the ride.

So, while I may just be sending this out into the void, thanks J. You made a big decision for both of us, and I've come back to life because of it.
I'm not exactly new, but I feel pretty amazing.
L

tell me why

I would rather have you once a week, pretend you're mine, ignore the phone, and live this lie. I have been living it successfully for months. I have my own life 6 days a week. You have yours. They don't intersect. We've choreographed this dance perfectly. I warn you before I cross into your path. We let each other know when something new comes up. We've been dancing around each other 6 days a week for 8 months. We were living this lie like clockwork.
Until you broke it.
You took out your L-word, and you threw it into the mix. You opened a Pandora's Box of unspoken feelings. One quick syllable, one whispered sentiment, one caught breath, and my strength is gone. Like an eyelash blown into the wind- gone. It will be another 8 months before I catch myself again. It's out there now. You can take it back, you can make excuses, you could lie and cover it up... but I know you won't. You don't really need to. I'm the one at a loss.
I've been hiding my L-word for months. I've known, and I've hidden it. Why let you know that I'm thinking of you the other 6 days of the week? Thats none of your concern. I bolstered my own strength, saved my dignity, enhanced my solidarity in this relationship, all through hiding the feeling. Locking it away. Saving it. I know how I feel, I don't need to say it outloud. If I don't say it I can pretend it is my little secret.
But you said it. And an hour later I was still smiling from hearing it. I said it back. And I smiled all night long- while I was falling asleep, when I woke up from you snoring, while I was dreaming, when my alarm went off, when I turned over and saw you sleep-smiling, too. I smiled all night.
Until I woke up, realized this wasn't all a dream, and remembered that I probably won't see you for another 6 days.
Just like that, my strength is gone. You've broken through it. You had no reason to tell me you love me. You had no reason to push that envelope any further than we already had. We have an unreliable, confusing, random, completely satisfying relationship. You threw a twist into it and I don't have the bearings to straiten it back out. You have no right to tell me you love me. Especially when you know damn well how much I love you. So, why tell me?
I just want to know why.
L

certainty

There's no way to know if he'll always love you. No way to know if the one is just around the corner. No way to tell if this really is as good as it gets. Very few things in life are certain. But today I realized I have a few real certainties to be thankful for: Love, Best Friends, and Baseball.

Love.
Whether I'm happy with love or miserable about it, it's there. Love is all around. There is no fathomable way- that I can imagine- that a world could exist without love. Love makes the rest of this list possible.

Best Friends.
A quick note from a best friend I rarely see or talk to brightens up my mundane Thursday afternoon. A phone call from my mom reminds me that even when I don't feel important, relevant, wanted, needed, I still am to someone. A best friend, one who spends all her money to ensure that she and I will get to spend our annual weekend together months in advance, is hard to come by. These are not 3 people I have picked up off the street. They've been with me a lifetime. And the friend who spends all her money to pull me out of my wintery depression year after year, she makes the last point of this list a 3-dimensional possibility.

Baseball.
Love is eternal and omnipresent. My best friends are there so long as we both exist. Baseball only comes around for 7 months of the year. Those are the best 7 months of my year. I don't care who wins or loses- except when it concerns my fantasy teams. I just need to smell the grass. I need to hear the crack of the bat meeting the ball midair. I need to feel the raindrops on my hat at the beginning and end of the season, and I need to feel the sun scorching my shoulders all summer long. Baseball isn't here all year, but I am certain that it will come back every time it leaves me.

These things are certain. None have let me down yet. Tomorrow marks my first major league baseball game of the season- I am headed to Arizona in the morning to take in the magical combination of love, best friends, and baseball.

I can't believe it's finally here. I feel like I've been waiting forever.
Hello, love. Here's to our next 7 months together.
L

thinking. feeling.

"Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about." 

-Dave Mustaine 


There are things I can go days without thinking about- - important things. I can go days without worrying about money; a fact made obvious by my inability to make rent this month. I don't think about food on a daily basis; I eat when I'm hungry and I don't necessarily think about how much is left or if I'll have something to eat tomorrow. I don't think about all my friends every 24 hours. I don't think about sunshine once a day. 
I do think about him. 
I do wonder if he's doing alright. 
Its a difficult spot I've put myself in. I'm not competing with other women, I know how to win that competition. No... Instead I'm competing with myself. I'm competing with the sense of ambition I've given him. I'm competing with his sense of individuality- something I am too strong to let go of personally. I'm competing with his need for personal time, personal space, friends, freedom. I want more than he can give, more than he should give. He has so much more to live, to learn. I want to be his all. He's too young for me to ask for things like that. 
So I don't ask. 
So he doesn't know. 
I've seen what a guy can give to a girl. I have had it. I have felt it. I have lived it. I've been catered to, lived for, loved. And I still sleep on the left side of the bed every night. I don't want it all. I don't want my every whim to be supported. I don't mind the support- it was a pleasant surprise when he offered me the money to make my rent this month- but I cannot accept it. I am independent, too. (Although I may be failing at my 'independence'....) I am fine without him. I've become resigned to that. It's become a matter of preference. I won't ask for all of him. I can handle a part-time romance. I prefer it to sharing the bed with myself every night. 
I'd rather spend a night next to him. 
I'd rather spend a night just thinking about him. 
I'll admit, I'm not sure at this point if he's a good thing. I love him, I despise him, I miss him, I cry over him, I cry for him, I hate him, I dream of him, I smile because of him, I light up at his name. I'm not sure what else there is to life. 


It's taken me this long, but I've got a theory. Maybe my life is lived for the emotions. Maybe it isn't all about finding the one who makes me happy all the time, or the one who makes me think life is worth living. Maybe it's about finding the one who lets me feel. I went 4 years without writing because J and I were so solid that I didn't have any feelings to let out. I may not have been smiling and giggling and happy this past year, but I was feeling. I'd trade 4 years of numbness for a lifetime of feeling. 
I'm happy he helped me feel again. 
Whatever the feelings may be. 
L 

what dreams are made of

There's the question of how much I need him. The chemicals in my brain think he is undoubtably necessary to my existence. The chemicals in my heart agree. The outside world thinks otherwise. I'd exist without him. Probably. I could be happy without him, I'm sure of that. But I'd be unhappy for a time before the happiness reappeared. I'd listen to my friends say how much I never needed him anyway. I'd meet tons of unnecessary people and be involved in many miserable, pointless relationships. Do I need those? No. I probably need him more than I need 50 more awkward, go-nowhere dates. I probably need him more than I need 2 more years of clubbing too much and crying myself to sleep out of loneliness. I want him more than I want any of that. I want him more than I've wanted anything I can remember.

He came over. He wasn't supposed to. He didn't need to. I was busy, but he said he was proving to me that he isn't as much of an ass as I think he is. I don't think he's an ass. He cancelled a date last week. I was really upset about that. I may have called him an asshole, but he made it a point to come over JUST to sleep next to me, JUST to prove to me that he is not the ass he seems to be, JUST to show me that he needs to be with me as much as I need to be with him. Every second with him feels like it was meant to happen. Like every minute, even the most bizarre minutes, were destined. Our every interaction feels... perfect. I can't think he's an ass for too long. I can't think he's an ass for a second after he smiles. 
He's leaving soon. If all goes as planned, he'll be gone by June this year. 4 months. He's asked me to go with him, but my answer remains the same; if we can't make it work here, how will being 6 hours away help? Honestly, being 6 hours away would help. But I can't compromise yet. I can't let him take me away from what has become my home just to follow love. 


Love has to be worth fighting for. If it isn't worth that, then it isn't worth the chemicals firing in your brain to make it happen. If it isn't worth the pain, it isn't worth the pleasure. Pandora's box was opened for a reason. I'm not suggesting that love should hurt, that you should feel pain in all relationships, that being in love should be a heartbreaking experience... but love should be worth feeling that for. I'm willing to go through some upset to feel the all-encompassing happiness that comes with the upside.

There's no feeling in the world like knowing he's holding me until I fall asleep. I know he's waiting for me to sleep, and I know he'll immediately turn over once I've drifted off... but thats irrelevant. He's waiting. He kisses me on the forehead and rubs my back until I fall asleep. 
An hour later, when I wake up, he's fallen asleep facing me. 
I have to correct myself. That may be the best feeling in the world. That kind of comfort, intimacy, happiness, you can't find that on the street corner. Can't find it in the club or on just any date or in just any set up. Thats the kind of intimacy that exists to make sure fairy tales keep getting written. That kind of happiness is what keeps Disney in business. That kind of comfort is what keeps me cuddling with his sweatshirt long after he's gone. 


Maybe I am too deep to see the truth in all this. He is leaving in 4 months. He and I haven't even tried to make it work legitimately since August. We've been hiding and sneaking around and falling in love behind curtains for 6 months. 
But I'd do anything for the fluttering in my heart right now.

I can't say I love him out loud. I can't say it to him. My voice won't make the sounds. But I can feel myself telling him. I can feel him saying it back. After we kiss, when both still have our eyes closed and I sneak a tiny peek, the smile on his face... thats enough. That moment, right there, is what dreams are made of. 


The decision's made.
I can't give up on a dream like that.
L

borrowed words

"you know how after you take a shower, the mirror is foggy? and then you write, "i love him." then a few moments later it's gone forever... or so you think. but it's not until the next time you take a hot shower it will appear again in the exact same spot. it's like it's engraved in the mirror or something. well, that's how you... are in my heart. i finally feel like i have disposed of my feelings for you and that i don't care about you anymore but then it all comes back to me. how much i love you and how much i need you in my life. i guess you'll stay in my heart forever."

"It's so weird. You're so different from all the others I've liked. We barely know each other and I freak out if you even say a word to me. It seems so unreal for us to be together, yet for some reason I can picture us together: talking, laughing, taking crazy pictures. As much as I want to give up sometimes, I keep on trying because something in my gut tells me that we are meant to be, and that one day, it just might happen."

L

*both from Darling, look at me. I've fallen like a fool for you

over. again.

yes i know

i can tell you

i can yell at you

i can give you a piece of my mind

oh but it hits me

on the inside

a little harder every time

say you'll never be mad at me for going off on you

for my moments of infatuation

but that doesn't make it any easier

doesn't make it any better ...

to be falling in love

again

over and over

the same thing

i just need to get out

again

but i can't help falling back in

over and over again.

over again.

Oh! i know i can call you

i can hope for you

i can cross my fingers, maybe get lucky

but it still gets me

when you don't call

still gives me a shock everytime

you say you won't be mad at me if i get mad at you

for not falling into me

but that doesn't make it any easier

doesn't make it any better ...

to be falling in love

again

over and over

the same thing

i just need to get out

again

but i can't help falling back in

i just keep falling back in.

over and over again.

and then it's over again.

-L

someone else's words

I was going to post tonight referencing the songs swirling in my head, but there were too many. Instead, I referenced every song swirling in my head and built them into a lyrical story. I think they paint the same picture I might, just with a different flair and some technical constraints.

Before someone notices and makes fun of me, I have a confession. Yes, every line used in this verbal montage is from an O-Town song. I am not ashamed. These lyrics serve their purpose, and these songs have held their spot in my heart (and cd player) since their inception.

**

You and I - we're out here looking for the same thing

Waiting for someone to share this feeling

And just one look was all it took

Cos no one else compares to you

I've got this craving-

To lose myself in you when we're standing in the rain

To keeping you awake through the night

Wanna make my dreams come true?

If you could ever understand what you put me through

No stopping till the breaking of the dawn

And when the morning comes

Baby I can't stop my mind from slipping

And you're the one I blame for making me go missing

The things that you do won't leave my mind soon

Night and day and night

I would risk it all and give it all to you

Cos when you're here with me, you make me feel complete-

We fit together-

More than I ever thought I could be

And suddenly we've got nothing to say

But the words get in the way

Every minute's like a thousand years since you were lying here

My hands may as well be tied cos they just can't touch you

I'm in pieces and bits, but that's nothing you can't fix

Cos, baby, you're still my addiction

I feel like a drowning man who's still begging God for rain

The more I try to forget I remember

The radio's playing loud but it's not our song

I knock four times and pretend you're not at home

It's catching up to me right now

I was trying to give us time

And if you call that love, love should be a crime

I'm standing here all alone wishing that I could've known

You just can't walk away from the damage

Baby- won't you save me?

Got this craving for you.

**

There are random lines from random songs in random orders, so I'd have a mess of a time trying to attribute every line to a song in order. Suffice it to say around 20 of O-Towns 30 songs went into this cluster.

And I feel better!

L