ordinary

Not settling for less than "extraordinary" is a lot more work than I remember it being. 

At 19, everything was extraordinary. Every guy who looked my way was a step in the right direction. Every boy I fell for was spectacularly better than the last. I had a way of looking at each new love as though it were the most amazing thing that could ever happen to a girl like me. 

I lost it. 

Nothing is extraordinary anymore. Ordinary is all I can muster up. The only extraordinary moments are a select few with C- not all the time, anymore. But the point of this is not to dissect some moments with C. I'm introducing the next character in this soap opera drama: V.

V likes me. I like V more than I've liked anyone recently. We've been on 3 dates. I haven't once had to ignore a call or text from him. I don't feel like running away. I don't feel like running in, either. We are nothing extraordinary. We get along well in public and one-on-one. He is a good guy, I don't feel like I'm in danger of heartbreak. I'm not terribly worried that I'll hurt him, either. But thats not to say that I'm in this with all of me. I just think he seems rational enough to bounce back when I start ignoring his calls. 

Once again, I'm missing the spark. 

Is it settling if I wait this one out to see where it goes, even though the spark is obviously absent? Or can we just call that good sense? I think I've answered it for myself. 

It's not extraordinary. It might be a bit better than ordinary, but I've had extraordinary, and this doesn't begin to compare. I'll give it a few more shots... but then back to the war path. 

Hopefully he understands.

L

what dreams are made of

There's the question of how much I need him. The chemicals in my brain think he is undoubtably necessary to my existence. The chemicals in my heart agree. The outside world thinks otherwise. I'd exist without him. Probably. I could be happy without him, I'm sure of that. But I'd be unhappy for a time before the happiness reappeared. I'd listen to my friends say how much I never needed him anyway. I'd meet tons of unnecessary people and be involved in many miserable, pointless relationships. Do I need those? No. I probably need him more than I need 50 more awkward, go-nowhere dates. I probably need him more than I need 2 more years of clubbing too much and crying myself to sleep out of loneliness. I want him more than I want any of that. I want him more than I've wanted anything I can remember.

He came over. He wasn't supposed to. He didn't need to. I was busy, but he said he was proving to me that he isn't as much of an ass as I think he is. I don't think he's an ass. He cancelled a date last week. I was really upset about that. I may have called him an asshole, but he made it a point to come over JUST to sleep next to me, JUST to prove to me that he is not the ass he seems to be, JUST to show me that he needs to be with me as much as I need to be with him. Every second with him feels like it was meant to happen. Like every minute, even the most bizarre minutes, were destined. Our every interaction feels... perfect. I can't think he's an ass for too long. I can't think he's an ass for a second after he smiles. 
He's leaving soon. If all goes as planned, he'll be gone by June this year. 4 months. He's asked me to go with him, but my answer remains the same; if we can't make it work here, how will being 6 hours away help? Honestly, being 6 hours away would help. But I can't compromise yet. I can't let him take me away from what has become my home just to follow love. 


Love has to be worth fighting for. If it isn't worth that, then it isn't worth the chemicals firing in your brain to make it happen. If it isn't worth the pain, it isn't worth the pleasure. Pandora's box was opened for a reason. I'm not suggesting that love should hurt, that you should feel pain in all relationships, that being in love should be a heartbreaking experience... but love should be worth feeling that for. I'm willing to go through some upset to feel the all-encompassing happiness that comes with the upside.

There's no feeling in the world like knowing he's holding me until I fall asleep. I know he's waiting for me to sleep, and I know he'll immediately turn over once I've drifted off... but thats irrelevant. He's waiting. He kisses me on the forehead and rubs my back until I fall asleep. 
An hour later, when I wake up, he's fallen asleep facing me. 
I have to correct myself. That may be the best feeling in the world. That kind of comfort, intimacy, happiness, you can't find that on the street corner. Can't find it in the club or on just any date or in just any set up. Thats the kind of intimacy that exists to make sure fairy tales keep getting written. That kind of happiness is what keeps Disney in business. That kind of comfort is what keeps me cuddling with his sweatshirt long after he's gone. 


Maybe I am too deep to see the truth in all this. He is leaving in 4 months. He and I haven't even tried to make it work legitimately since August. We've been hiding and sneaking around and falling in love behind curtains for 6 months. 
But I'd do anything for the fluttering in my heart right now.

I can't say I love him out loud. I can't say it to him. My voice won't make the sounds. But I can feel myself telling him. I can feel him saying it back. After we kiss, when both still have our eyes closed and I sneak a tiny peek, the smile on his face... thats enough. That moment, right there, is what dreams are made of. 


The decision's made.
I can't give up on a dream like that.
L

finding the light

I have tripped more in the past 2 months than in the past 2 years. I have experienced more life changes in the past 7 months than in the past 7 years. I have been more unhappy, more confused, more distraught, more frustrated, and more lonely in the past year than in the past 10 years. And in that same year, I have learned more about myself than I've ever thought to know. I've opened a window into my ability to react to change, to adjust to the unforeseen, to adapt to life's funny curveballs. I am still not happy, but I haven't completely given up on trying to be happy again.

Kept on looking for a sign in the middle of the night/ But I couldn't see the light

How to be happy. I have so many books (100 secrets of happy people, don't sweat the small stuff, etc.) that suggest happiness can be just a page away. Just a simple lifestyle change in your future. Just a smile and 10 minutes ahead of you. If happiness, real happiness, were that easy to attain, wouldn't we all be bumbling happy idiots by now? The journey is the important part. The long, bumpy, winding road to happiness what makes the happiness so worth it. But I'm probably just saying that to somehow beautify my own fear that the road in front of me is a very, very, unreasonably long one.

Kept on looking for a way to take me through the night/ I couldn't get it right

This bumpy road has run me into walls, into concrete floors, into shower doors, and into my own personal dark place. I've followed it into weekends of sleep, into days of confusion, and into nights remembered only by photographs. I tried continuing with my original plans, but that didn't feel right. I am a changed person and I need to let myself grow along with these changes. I have tried rethinking my future and I've gotten nowhere. Planning is futile. Maybe the next best thing is to just... Go.

Restless feeling really got a hold/ I started searching for a better way

But still that aching fear that I'll keep falling.

That I'll never get it right.

L

*lyrics from Climax Blues Band's "Couldn't Get It Right"