Thursday, October 29, 2009

finding the light

I have tripped more in the past 2 months than in the past 2 years. I have experienced more life changes in the past 7 months than in the past 7 years. I have been more unhappy, more confused, more distraught, more frustrated, and more lonely in the past year than in the past 10 years. And in that same year, I have learned more about myself than I've ever thought to know. I've opened a window into my ability to react to change, to adjust to the unforeseen, to adapt to life's funny curveballs. I am still not happy, but I haven't completely given up on trying to be happy again.

Kept on looking for a sign in the middle of the night/ But I couldn't see the light

How to be happy. I have so many books (100 secrets of happy people, don't sweat the small stuff, etc.) that suggest happiness can be just a page away. Just a simple lifestyle change in your future. Just a smile and 10 minutes ahead of you. If happiness, real happiness, were that easy to attain, wouldn't we all be bumbling happy idiots by now? The journey is the important part. The long, bumpy, winding road to happiness what makes the happiness so worth it. But I'm probably just saying that to somehow beautify my own fear that the road in front of me is a very, very, unreasonably long one.

Kept on looking for a way to take me through the night/ I couldn't get it right

This bumpy road has run me into walls, into concrete floors, into shower doors, and into my own personal dark place. I've followed it into weekends of sleep, into days of confusion, and into nights remembered only by photographs. I tried continuing with my original plans, but that didn't feel right. I am a changed person and I need to let myself grow along with these changes. I have tried rethinking my future and I've gotten nowhere. Planning is futile. Maybe the next best thing is to just... Go.

Restless feeling really got a hold/ I started searching for a better way

But still that aching fear that I'll keep falling.
That I'll never get it right.
L

*lyrics from Climax Blues Band's "Couldn't Get It Right"
With Love... at
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2 comments:

  1. Michael K. AlthouseOctober 30, 2009 at 4:20 AM

    Okay, it's time to go get some coffee and have a nice long chat... time and place?

    ReplyDelete
  2. meLOctober 30, 2009 at 12:14 PM

    What's right anyway? Does any one person in our world have the "right" combination of right choices made and perfect life created?? Probably not. Movies are fake. TV is scripted. All we can do is feel and agree or disagree and voice ourselves and make friends and lovers. Smile. Cry. It's all one life full of lessons, good and bad. To be happy, however, I suppose there is something. I don't think it can be given by anyone but yourself, however. I was very sad for a while. My happiness finally came from being open to new things. To a non-plan. To going with the flow - with people who are really good people. Surround yourself with the good ones. (hence the name of my blog.)

    ReplyDelete

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