again and again and again

Oh how it kills me that you still have so much control over my emotions. You still pluck at my heart strings as though you're playing D'yer Maker at a live show in LA. It breaks up my plan of attack everytime you appear because I cannot prepare for what you have ready to throw my way. Oh how you kill me. Slowly, but surely. Every time.

You say that I'd be better off, better off, sleeping by myself and wondering...

You send me for a spin. For days I'm waiting in line, waiting for the attention, waiting for the call, and then suddenly I'm admitted onto a ride I didn't know I was in line for. Suddenly I'm being sent for a curve I wasn't prepared for. Suddenly I'm off the ground, I'm confused, I'm scared, and no one is there to tell me it will be okay. Suddenly you aren't the guy I thought I was waiting for. Oh how it kills me to have to rethink my decisions. I thought I knew right from wrong. Something in your kiss confuses my sense of direction.

...wondering if I'm better off, better off without you, boy.

Knowing all too well that I'm damaged, broken, and unable to handle any more heartache, I insist on sticking around. Of course my heart can't take anymore pain, but my ego craves redemption. I must be good enough. I am. I know I am. I am brilliant and wonderful. I am a catch. I wish you still saw that. I wish you still knew that. I wish you would notice. God how it kills me that you don't care enough to notice.

I'm not gonna stand here feeling lonely but I won't forget you, and I wont think this was just a waste of time.

So, no. I won't move away with you. It was tempting, and I wanted to say yes. I did say yes, although I hadn't told you. I won't. I shouldn't. I can't. My life cannot be an endless game of cat and mouse, even though playing with you was the most fun I've had in years. At the end of every round you steal my heart, and you don't play fair. You keep it, you hide it, and I don't get it back for weeks. You are good for me when you're here, and bad for me the other 7 days of the week. I've never loved someone so much for so little. And you continue to play. You continue to kill me. Oh how I love the way you chase me down just to kill me a little more each time. God how I love it.

but don't just leave me hanging on....

Oh how it kills me.

Again and again and again.

L

*lyrics from Colbie Callait's The Little Things