not another girl meets boy

Stuck somewhere between La Roux's "I'm Not Your Toy" and B.O.B.'s "Airplanes". I'm either happy or not. Somewhere between a minor chord and a major in my head. I'm as confused as Lady Gaga's parents must be when they look at baby pictures. Even my body is in limbo-- the front half of me is burnt to a deep lobster red, and the back half is plain and pale. I'm awake and alert but all I want to do is sleep it off. I really do not like this in between.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
Cos I could really use a wish right now. 

My wish would be for this burn to go away. I'm pretty completely sure that if this burn disappeared, all the other things plaguing my mind would fade pretty quickly. I spent the weekend at a soccer tournament, watching C play, like I did all last summer. Sitting in the grass and watching him coach from the back of the field, run on his extremely f-ed up leg, cooly defend his keeper... nothing could make me happier for 20 minutes at a time. But once the game ends, life gets back to normal. He's just as cool off the field. He nods at me. Smiles. And walks away. He texts one word answers and I text sentences back. I crave his attention and he basks in mine. 

I've been doing this- we've been doing this- for a year. Officially for a year next Sunday. 

It's all false love and affection. 

You don't want me, you just like the attention.

Stupid sparks. Gets in the way of everything. My brain cant differentiate between anger and love, so I am trapped in this spark-heavy trap. And everyone I meet, everyone I date, everyone I spend an hour getting to know, every one of them falls short. Not because they aren't great people. They are! They're fantastic! They are all perfect catches! But if my heart doesn't skip a beat, I don't have the urge to try anymore. Someone else gets my attention for a week, but it always goes back to C. 

I'm sure thats how he likes it. I probably like it that way, too. Damn my spark-cravings. 

Prom girl wipes her tears with silver lines, and she can't get enough. 

I bring it all on myself. I know, but I like it. And if my sunburn went away, I could get back to enjoying the mess I've buried myself in. 

I just love love. I love love too much. I love it so much that every emotion wants to be love. 

But at least thats one thing I've got straight. 

L 

**Lyrics from B.O.B.'s Airplanes, La Roux's I'm Not Your Toy, and Lady Gaga's I Like It Rough.