All I can hope for is someone to love me. I want that love to be as I imagine it-- a little bit selfish, but undying; all mine, committed and proven; safe, but not the easy way. I want him to be who I call on my way home for the night, although I need not spend every night with him. I want the honeymoon phase, but I want it to last the rest of my life, not just a really intense 3 weeks of perfection. For all normal purposes, I have unreasonable standards.
I just want someone to say to me...
I tested the grass on the other side. It was a let down. I remembered what it was like to be ignored and to battle for passive attention. I want the attention to be mine, all mine, all the time. I don't like having to fight for it. And knowing I've been passed off to a wingman is just not something I can handle. I need the alpha, and I need to know that I'm the alpha. But there is something to be said for hopping to the other side. It is a potent reminder of how wonderful your side is.
I'll always be there when you wake...
As far as I can tell, he wants me. He wants to love me in a somewhat selfish way, that is mostly for me but entirely for him. He is happy to see me, to talk to me, to know me. He might even need me if he'd let himself think so. (And he won't. I wouldn't. Can't blame him.) We are both stubborn and self-assured. We both want to be right, and we both win our arguments. We should clash instantly, but he lets me slide for being me. He likes me for being me. Me. This is new and unusual ground. I'm talking more about myself than about him. I'm more challenged by his appreciation for me than by his disregard for me. It is new territory. He likes me more than I like him. But every glance to the other side reminds me that I like him more than I admit that I do.
So stay with me and I'll have it made.
Whether I want to admit it or not, I have really hit something good here. Now lets all put our heads down and pray that I don't fuck it up.
I have such a tendency to fuck things up.
L
*Lyrics from Blind Melon's No Rain
I don't know about that. I mean, I've fucked up some pretty big shit - I'm not an authority, but I do have considerable experience. I think you might get a little crossed up here and there, but fucking things up? That just feels a bit too strong. Don't argue with me - I win my arguments, too.
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