punching people in supermarkets

I talk a lot. But when it matters, I do not talk enough. Instead, I act out in my own special ways. I feel like I'm out of control. Okay, I have command over my living situation. Over my money. Over my job. But the issue is that I have no control at all over what I say under the influence of affection. I have no control over myself when faced with monogamy. I'm up, and I'm down, and I'm happy, and then I'm all over the place. And since I have no apparent outlet for the fear welling up in my mind, I rebel wherever I can find the opportunity. 

But I love you more than words can say

I can't count the reasons I should stay  

It seems entirely too possible that the reason I can't trust anyone is because I don't think I could trust myself. I don't mean to hurt anyone, but I end up punching people in supermarkets far too often. (It's a metaphor. Root: Parenthood. Watch it on Tuesday nights.) I can't find a way to rationally express the fear/anxiety/weakness I have in and around relationships, so I subconsciously try to sabotage them. I don't realize what I'm doing, or I do and I don't do anything about it. But if I'm fighting it, then maybe it is meant to be fought. 

I can't count the reasons I should stay 

One by one they all just fade away

This time I'm not going to be able to fight my way out. He has waited for me. And he will wait for me. And he is genuinely interested in being committed to me. Me. And I'd be lying if I said that was easy to understand. That puts on a lot of pressure. It is a wonderful thing to be reminded that I'm worth something to someone, but all that build up makes the fall so much further when I mess it up. I have to be better than myself. I have to be stronger than myself, more capable than myself, more reliable than myself. He knows me, he knows me well, and he puts up with my idiosyncrasies. No questions asked. Generally when I screw up, he smiles like he knew it was coming, kisses me and says something reassuring. Because he does know its coming. He does know me. So he has to know I'm having trouble with all this. But for the life of me I don't know how to put it into words. 

I've got to figure it out. And stop trying to ruin everything good that happens. 

One by one they all just fade away

But I love you more than words can say 

I can't just go around punching people in supermarkets. 

L

*Lyrics from The 88's At Least It Was Here