Halloween on a Sunday means 3 days of Halloween. Friday: work Halloween, club/dancing Halloween. Saturday: day 1 Halloween hangover, party Halloween, pub crawl Halloween. Sunday: day 2 Halloween hangover, football Halloween, children's Halloween.
I dislike so much about this holiday. I strongly dislike the word Halloween (possibly because I've typed it so many times in the past minute?). But mostly I've just always hated being scared. This whole holiday is about embracing fear-- walk into a maze made of thick wheat where no one can hear me scream or find me to help? sure! go into a dark house where nightmares jump out at me in an effort to make me cry? of course!!-- and I'm just not the type to go along with that. But, I am not the one to fight a good time. I celebrated the holiday this year, like most, with the best of them.
I faced quite a few fears Saturday. 3 were noteworthy:
1. My costume. I dressed as my worst fear. I was a very subtle, non-threatening version of said fear, but I did it. I made myself into a dinosaur. And wouldn't you know it, as I'm walking down the steps from my front porch, my first official act after putting on my dino-sweatshirt and dino-shoes was my misguided step onto a snail. Killed the poor thing. Really just reaffirmed my fear- dinosaurs will kill anything smaller than them. Fear faced, and still firmly in place.
2. Talked to C. I haven't talked to him in about 2 months. I let him fall off my radar, and I fell off his. For the better, as you'll all agree, since that relationship was literally drug-like. Early in the night, a bar was showing a movie that was one of C's favorites. I texted him to say hi, and that his movie was on. We chatted on and off the rest of the night. I am proud to say that I did NOT get into a cab to go see him. I did NOT invite him over. I did NOT ask him what he was doing later, tomorrow, this week, ever. And I don't feel like I need to. I had a friendly, platonic, non-confrontational interaction with one of the loves of my life. Fear faced, and conquered.
3. Commitment issues, like whoa. I scare easy, in the corn-maze way and the relationship way. This weekend brought it out in me. I was looking for sneak exits in every establishment. Never took a sneaky way out, stayed with who I was there with, but WOW did I feel my mind scoping for escape routes. (Maybe that is what urged me to text C in the first place?). BUT I didn't run. Still here. Shaking in my boots and definitely more a flight risk now than ever before, but still here. Fear faced, and acknowledged.
To summarize: I'm afraid of dinosaurs stepping on me. I can still love C, but not be a raving lunatic clamoring for his attention. The thought of being tied to anyone makes me literally want to run away.
Facing fears doesn't always mean conquering them. Unfortunate, cos I'm just going to have to keep facing them until they go away.
Maybe just once a year, though.
L
Courage is not the absence of fear - it is the ability to deal with it. Whether that means walking through it or acknowledging it or literally putting it on - wearing said fear, as it were - it is not destructive until it has you doing things that are not in your best interest. And that is fear's job, after all. Oh, sure, there are those who will say it's an instinct developed though evolution designed to keep the species alive, but like so many other evolutionarily developed instincts, it has in many ways outlived it's original purpose (like sex - not just for procreation anymore).
ReplyDeleteSo you have some fears going on - so do I. All the time, and they used to keep me firmly frozen in place doing the sames things over and over again not because it was best for me, but because it was more comfortable succumbing to the fear. I knew what to expect and as bad as it usually was, I was comfortable there. Moving forward and acknowledging (and then ignoring) that which would hold me back has given me not only a healthy respect for fear, but more importantly, and accurate appraisal of it. Fear ain't all that... I am.
And so are you.