thinking. feeling.

"Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about." 

-Dave Mustaine 


There are things I can go days without thinking about- - important things. I can go days without worrying about money; a fact made obvious by my inability to make rent this month. I don't think about food on a daily basis; I eat when I'm hungry and I don't necessarily think about how much is left or if I'll have something to eat tomorrow. I don't think about all my friends every 24 hours. I don't think about sunshine once a day. 
I do think about him. 
I do wonder if he's doing alright. 
Its a difficult spot I've put myself in. I'm not competing with other women, I know how to win that competition. No... Instead I'm competing with myself. I'm competing with the sense of ambition I've given him. I'm competing with his sense of individuality- something I am too strong to let go of personally. I'm competing with his need for personal time, personal space, friends, freedom. I want more than he can give, more than he should give. He has so much more to live, to learn. I want to be his all. He's too young for me to ask for things like that. 
So I don't ask. 
So he doesn't know. 
I've seen what a guy can give to a girl. I have had it. I have felt it. I have lived it. I've been catered to, lived for, loved. And I still sleep on the left side of the bed every night. I don't want it all. I don't want my every whim to be supported. I don't mind the support- it was a pleasant surprise when he offered me the money to make my rent this month- but I cannot accept it. I am independent, too. (Although I may be failing at my 'independence'....) I am fine without him. I've become resigned to that. It's become a matter of preference. I won't ask for all of him. I can handle a part-time romance. I prefer it to sharing the bed with myself every night. 
I'd rather spend a night next to him. 
I'd rather spend a night just thinking about him. 
I'll admit, I'm not sure at this point if he's a good thing. I love him, I despise him, I miss him, I cry over him, I cry for him, I hate him, I dream of him, I smile because of him, I light up at his name. I'm not sure what else there is to life. 


It's taken me this long, but I've got a theory. Maybe my life is lived for the emotions. Maybe it isn't all about finding the one who makes me happy all the time, or the one who makes me think life is worth living. Maybe it's about finding the one who lets me feel. I went 4 years without writing because J and I were so solid that I didn't have any feelings to let out. I may not have been smiling and giggling and happy this past year, but I was feeling. I'd trade 4 years of numbness for a lifetime of feeling. 
I'm happy he helped me feel again. 
Whatever the feelings may be. 
L 

feeling, for better or for worse

It is completely out of my system now, and I'm feeling absolutely everything.

I stopped taking my anti-anxiety medication about a month ago. I went through a couple weeks of withdrawls, which- I'm not gonna lie- were kind of an exciting experience. There were no tantrums or night sweats, no throwing up, no unbearable cramping headaches. Instead, I experienced little brain tremors. At first they feel like little 5-second dizzy spells- almost similar to a symptom of dehydration. After a couple days the spells started lasting 10-30 seconds a piece, and I felt them in my fingertips, toes, lips, and head. I peaked at around 1 tremor every 2 minutes. That lasted for 4-5 days. (The tremors weren't so exciting then as they were annoying and frustrating.) But then they went away. They tapered off and went away.

I was lucky that nothing worse happened. I stopped taking the medication because I ran out and didn't realize it until I was already experiencing the withdrawls, at which point I decided to just wait them out. Life seemed good, so why be drugged up? Right? ..right?

But it's been a couple weeks now and I'm becoming increasingly aware of all that the drugs were blocking out. They weren't just making my relationships easier to handle or helping me worry less about locked doors and alarm systems. They were making me easier to handle. Helping me worry less about myself. I haven't slept well for a week because I am tossing and turning thinking about all the things I cannot do/fix/control/negate/right/understand.

I've been in a mood all day that I cannot describe. Lies, I can describe it: anxiety-ridden. Imagine going about your day with a brick sitting on your brain and a metronome ticking an off-beat in your ear. I cannot concentrate on getting any one thing done because my mind is pressed upon by these other things I cannot control anyway. I have trouble ignoring the brick because of the ticking reminding me that I have more to think about than I can possibly fit into that moment. Before I know it time has passed and absolutely nothing has been accomplished. I feel completely overwhelmed and completely useless. I haven't felt any of this in years, and it's not been missed. Not one bit.

I think I was happier when I couldn't feel my feelings. Or, what I felt and labeled as happiness, at least, that wasn't bad at all.

It was nice, the calm. I took it for granted.

L