thinking. feeling.

"Don't ever give up on something or someone that you can't go a full day without thinking about." 

-Dave Mustaine 


There are things I can go days without thinking about- - important things. I can go days without worrying about money; a fact made obvious by my inability to make rent this month. I don't think about food on a daily basis; I eat when I'm hungry and I don't necessarily think about how much is left or if I'll have something to eat tomorrow. I don't think about all my friends every 24 hours. I don't think about sunshine once a day. 
I do think about him. 
I do wonder if he's doing alright. 
Its a difficult spot I've put myself in. I'm not competing with other women, I know how to win that competition. No... Instead I'm competing with myself. I'm competing with the sense of ambition I've given him. I'm competing with his sense of individuality- something I am too strong to let go of personally. I'm competing with his need for personal time, personal space, friends, freedom. I want more than he can give, more than he should give. He has so much more to live, to learn. I want to be his all. He's too young for me to ask for things like that. 
So I don't ask. 
So he doesn't know. 
I've seen what a guy can give to a girl. I have had it. I have felt it. I have lived it. I've been catered to, lived for, loved. And I still sleep on the left side of the bed every night. I don't want it all. I don't want my every whim to be supported. I don't mind the support- it was a pleasant surprise when he offered me the money to make my rent this month- but I cannot accept it. I am independent, too. (Although I may be failing at my 'independence'....) I am fine without him. I've become resigned to that. It's become a matter of preference. I won't ask for all of him. I can handle a part-time romance. I prefer it to sharing the bed with myself every night. 
I'd rather spend a night next to him. 
I'd rather spend a night just thinking about him. 
I'll admit, I'm not sure at this point if he's a good thing. I love him, I despise him, I miss him, I cry over him, I cry for him, I hate him, I dream of him, I smile because of him, I light up at his name. I'm not sure what else there is to life. 


It's taken me this long, but I've got a theory. Maybe my life is lived for the emotions. Maybe it isn't all about finding the one who makes me happy all the time, or the one who makes me think life is worth living. Maybe it's about finding the one who lets me feel. I went 4 years without writing because J and I were so solid that I didn't have any feelings to let out. I may not have been smiling and giggling and happy this past year, but I was feeling. I'd trade 4 years of numbness for a lifetime of feeling. 
I'm happy he helped me feel again. 
Whatever the feelings may be. 
L