trying to be fearless

Some of my fears are irrational. I've got a terrible fear of dinosaurs-- specifically re-creations that look realistic, movies that suggest they could come back, not-so realistic representations that show up when I least expect them. I used to be so afraid of the shower drain that I made my little sister stay in the bathroom with me whenever I took a shower. I'm afraid of large bodies of water through which I cannot see. If the bottom is visible, I'm good anywhere. One piece of seaweed grabs my unsuspecting leg, though, and I'm out. I've had these fears for as long as I can remember. I'm making some progress on conquering them, but there will always be something terrifying to me about dinosaurs, shower drains, and murky water.

When I was a teenager, I thought I was scared of rejection. I thought the feeling keeping me in unhappy relationships and stopping me from trying harder and putting myself out there was a fear of being rejected. I got rejected. Multiple times. Now, years later, I've been rejected more times than I can count. It's not a fear of rejection, and it never was. It's just a normal dislike for rejection. The fear is behind it. The fear is of being rejected to the point where I become, ultimately, in all aspects of my life, alone.

The next step in my life requires me to face loneliness. Not just being alone, being away from family and friends, being far from everything I know and have come to count on, but being completely and totally lonely. I am walking into this knowing full well that I will cry myself to sleep for a while, and that it will be a long long while before someone comes around to clean up the mess. I'm not expecting anyone to clean it up, honestly. I am expecting tear-soaked pillows for the foreseeable future.

Every piece of the potential next step sounds like it could be a wonderful adventure. I'll learn more about me, about what I want to do with my life, about what I am capable of, and of course, what I'm not capable of. But I'm doing it alone. I'm trying to frame loneliness as part of the adventure... but this is a tough one, even for me. I can't let my fear of complete loneliness keep me from moving forward, though. I have to keep going. I'm scared of the drain, but I still spend an hour in the shower. I'm scared of the water, but my favorite place in the world is still on a boat in the middle of the lake. I'm scared to do this alone, but maybe something amazing will come of it.
I think I'm going to face this dinosaur.
L