remember. and smile.

Bringing back an old post because reading this reminded me why I let myself hit the lows.

The highs are just so unbelievably worth it.

L

(ps: August 4th, for anyone who wasn't reading back then, still puts me on a cloud.)

THURSDAY, JUNE 18, 2009

fearless

I don't know how it gets better than this

The first night was full of harmless flirtation. Subtle at points, but sometimes terribly obvious. We parted at day break, leaving the dark night to go into a gorgeous sunny day. Still, though, separate.

You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless

The suspense built for two days while we went on with our lives in separate places. Two long days. Really, days the regular length, but oh how they stretched out while waiting for replies to text messages and thinking up clever but cute responses once the phone decided to chime.

And you know I want to ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot

It seems to take forever, but I finally see him again. We meet downtown; I walk in and see him waiting for me. I catch his eye and I swear his eyes smile. We start sitting at least a foot apart. Minutes pass. Move closer. 6 inches. 4. I don't have to try to seem magnetically attracted to him this time, I just am. I don't have to wonder if he noticed my hand brush by his, he notices. Suddenly it's so simple. It happens all by itself. Gravity really does want us to be closer.

Absent mindedly making me want you

We leave, each driving ourselves, and meet somewhere else where his friends are waiting. I try my best to be surreptitious, no one needs to know I am here with him. That's for me to know. That's for me to smile about. Some subtle hand holding. Some half hugs. Some smiling glances. Someone else tries to make a move on me, and immediately I'm whisked out the door. No questions asked. No words to speak, I know he wants me to himself. Heart racing.

So baby drive slow, until we run out of road

He gives me a ride home. Smiling. Holding hands. I feel like a giddy teenager on a first date. All hope, no fear. No past, no present, no fear of the future. Everything has fallen into place and I wasn't afraid for a minute. I'm floating through the night, and so quickly it's over and I'm back to solid ground. Walking to the door, I feel like it's all over too soon. Why can't it last till day break again?

Wait.. why can't it?

And it does.

You stood there with me in the doorway

My hands shake

I'm not usually this way but

You pull me in and I'm a little more brave

It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something

It's fearless

Fearless.

L

*lyrics from Taylor Swift's Fearless

borrowed words

"you know how after you take a shower, the mirror is foggy? and then you write, "i love him." then a few moments later it's gone forever... or so you think. but it's not until the next time you take a hot shower it will appear again in the exact same spot. it's like it's engraved in the mirror or something. well, that's how you... are in my heart. i finally feel like i have disposed of my feelings for you and that i don't care about you anymore but then it all comes back to me. how much i love you and how much i need you in my life. i guess you'll stay in my heart forever."

"It's so weird. You're so different from all the others I've liked. We barely know each other and I freak out if you even say a word to me. It seems so unreal for us to be together, yet for some reason I can picture us together: talking, laughing, taking crazy pictures. As much as I want to give up sometimes, I keep on trying because something in my gut tells me that we are meant to be, and that one day, it just might happen."

L

*both from Darling, look at me. I've fallen like a fool for you

and then

First I cry, and complain, and overanalyze... And I yell, and chastise, and exaggerate... And then you rearrange, and show up, and make me feel.. well.. better.

Better is good.

L

facing it

Feels like it's been harder to get you out of my mind than it was to stop thinking of J.

At least J earned the months I spent trying to forget him. You didn't earn them, I gave them to you. I let you have me. Handed you my 'heart', as cliche and miserable as that sounds. Didn't even make you work for it. I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have me. I wanted you.

You got me over J. I forget that part. I so easily forget anything before 'us'.

Do you even remember that? Back then? When I wanted you and you wanted me. When we wanted each other. Back then it was a crowded, overwhelming, amazing two way street that ran unmetered 24 hours a day. I remember. Maybe you don't. Maybe that's the the problem. Maybe that's the solution.

Now I need to find someone to get you off my mind. It's logical.

Every boy I meet takes you off my mind for a minute. Some keep my attention for an hour, some for most of the night. No one has kept it longer than that. Most of the night is the record. By the time I'm home, even in the car on the way home, I start to wonder where you are. I wonder, and there's nothing stopping me from calling you to find out. But I'm always calling. I am constantly calling. You never have to call me. I'm always there.

Time to decide. Do I wait for you or keep waiting for someone?

I don't really have a choice. I've been waiting for you since I was 16. I was waiting for you when I found J. I've been waiting for you since the first time I saw Sleepless In Seattle, the first time I sang karaoke to a Mariah Carey song, the first time I held a boy's hand. I have been waiting to love someone this uncontrollably my entire life- short as that may be so far. So I'll wait for someone to distract me. I will wait for someone, anyone, to replace you. And I'll wait for you.

I've been waiting this long. I've built such a tolerance. I've become so much smarter.

And, despite that, I still want you. Either there is something fundamentally wrong with me, or I'm naturally addicted to this insanity.

Love.

I'm addicted to love.

L

over. again.

yes i know

i can tell you

i can yell at you

i can give you a piece of my mind

oh but it hits me

on the inside

a little harder every time

say you'll never be mad at me for going off on you

for my moments of infatuation

but that doesn't make it any easier

doesn't make it any better ...

to be falling in love

again

over and over

the same thing

i just need to get out

again

but i can't help falling back in

over and over again.

over again.

Oh! i know i can call you

i can hope for you

i can cross my fingers, maybe get lucky

but it still gets me

when you don't call

still gives me a shock everytime

you say you won't be mad at me if i get mad at you

for not falling into me

but that doesn't make it any easier

doesn't make it any better ...

to be falling in love

again

over and over

the same thing

i just need to get out

again

but i can't help falling back in

i just keep falling back in.

over and over again.

and then it's over again.

-L

feeling, for better or for worse

It is completely out of my system now, and I'm feeling absolutely everything.

I stopped taking my anti-anxiety medication about a month ago. I went through a couple weeks of withdrawls, which- I'm not gonna lie- were kind of an exciting experience. There were no tantrums or night sweats, no throwing up, no unbearable cramping headaches. Instead, I experienced little brain tremors. At first they feel like little 5-second dizzy spells- almost similar to a symptom of dehydration. After a couple days the spells started lasting 10-30 seconds a piece, and I felt them in my fingertips, toes, lips, and head. I peaked at around 1 tremor every 2 minutes. That lasted for 4-5 days. (The tremors weren't so exciting then as they were annoying and frustrating.) But then they went away. They tapered off and went away.

I was lucky that nothing worse happened. I stopped taking the medication because I ran out and didn't realize it until I was already experiencing the withdrawls, at which point I decided to just wait them out. Life seemed good, so why be drugged up? Right? ..right?

But it's been a couple weeks now and I'm becoming increasingly aware of all that the drugs were blocking out. They weren't just making my relationships easier to handle or helping me worry less about locked doors and alarm systems. They were making me easier to handle. Helping me worry less about myself. I haven't slept well for a week because I am tossing and turning thinking about all the things I cannot do/fix/control/negate/right/understand.

I've been in a mood all day that I cannot describe. Lies, I can describe it: anxiety-ridden. Imagine going about your day with a brick sitting on your brain and a metronome ticking an off-beat in your ear. I cannot concentrate on getting any one thing done because my mind is pressed upon by these other things I cannot control anyway. I have trouble ignoring the brick because of the ticking reminding me that I have more to think about than I can possibly fit into that moment. Before I know it time has passed and absolutely nothing has been accomplished. I feel completely overwhelmed and completely useless. I haven't felt any of this in years, and it's not been missed. Not one bit.

I think I was happier when I couldn't feel my feelings. Or, what I felt and labeled as happiness, at least, that wasn't bad at all.

It was nice, the calm. I took it for granted.

L

tease

There is something about knowing I can't have you.

Tease.

You show up to the bar, where I've told you I am, to drink and dance. Drink. And dance. With me. You hold my hand, you kiss my forehead (which is a whole different story), and you buy me a drink in the cutest way possible... and then you leave. Like nothing ever happened. Like you were never there. Just enough.

Tease.

I'm disappointed. Not in you... more in me. I've been kidding around with another tease for months. He loves me, he loves me not. You know the drill. It's yours. Hell, it's mine. And it's never ending. When will you stop being unattainable?

Tease.

I think you could save me. You may, quite possibly, be the one person on this planet who could pull me out of this love-sick hole I've dug myself. You could. maybe, break the adhesive on this attachment I have for someone else. You will, I'm certain, make me work for it. And just so you know, I'm not terribly busy. You act like you aren't paying attention, but I am.

Tease.

But I still called him tonight. I still texted him on my way home. I still asked him to come over so that I won't have to sleep alone. You don't know, and you don't need to. You aren't mine, and I'm not yours. Physically or emotionally. And neither is he.

And to both of you, neither am I.

Ha. Tease.

L

someone else's words

I was going to post tonight referencing the songs swirling in my head, but there were too many. Instead, I referenced every song swirling in my head and built them into a lyrical story. I think they paint the same picture I might, just with a different flair and some technical constraints.

Before someone notices and makes fun of me, I have a confession. Yes, every line used in this verbal montage is from an O-Town song. I am not ashamed. These lyrics serve their purpose, and these songs have held their spot in my heart (and cd player) since their inception.

**

You and I - we're out here looking for the same thing

Waiting for someone to share this feeling

And just one look was all it took

Cos no one else compares to you

I've got this craving-

To lose myself in you when we're standing in the rain

To keeping you awake through the night

Wanna make my dreams come true?

If you could ever understand what you put me through

No stopping till the breaking of the dawn

And when the morning comes

Baby I can't stop my mind from slipping

And you're the one I blame for making me go missing

The things that you do won't leave my mind soon

Night and day and night

I would risk it all and give it all to you

Cos when you're here with me, you make me feel complete-

We fit together-

More than I ever thought I could be

And suddenly we've got nothing to say

But the words get in the way

Every minute's like a thousand years since you were lying here

My hands may as well be tied cos they just can't touch you

I'm in pieces and bits, but that's nothing you can't fix

Cos, baby, you're still my addiction

I feel like a drowning man who's still begging God for rain

The more I try to forget I remember

The radio's playing loud but it's not our song

I knock four times and pretend you're not at home

It's catching up to me right now

I was trying to give us time

And if you call that love, love should be a crime

I'm standing here all alone wishing that I could've known

You just can't walk away from the damage

Baby- won't you save me?

Got this craving for you.

**

There are random lines from random songs in random orders, so I'd have a mess of a time trying to attribute every line to a song in order. Suffice it to say around 20 of O-Towns 30 songs went into this cluster.

And I feel better!

L

this is my brain on love

Oh no no no no no no.

Miss independent I have never been. I rely on my parents for money when I misbudget and run into trouble. I crumble without someone to talk my problems out to on a weekly basis. There have been multiple days when I simply would have gone without food had someone not offered to bring some over. But I'll be damned if I don't try to be self sufficient. I wouldn't mind going without money. I can talk my problems out here. If there is no food, dammit, I will go without and I will not complain. But really independent? I suppose that's never been me, much as I'd like to entertain the idea.

But just like in As Good As It Gets, I have met the person who makes me want to "be a better man". (Woman, as it were.) If I know I'll see him I want my apartment to be clean. I want to take an extra shower. I want to style my hair. I want to go through the trouble of washing my laundry. I want to write papers, get published, and teach 10 classes every semester. I want to work until I could not possibly be more invested in my job. I want to go to the gym. I want to eat healthier, lose weight, build muscle. I want to be financially independent. I want to pay off my credit debt and all my parking tickets. I want my savings account to be more than the 50$ minimum. I want to be in shape, I want to be impressive on paper, and I want to be all that I can possibly be. When I know I'll see him, I kick into overdrive on a mission to fulfill my potential.

And then, when he doesn't show up, or when I know I won't see him for another week, it all goes to shit. A box of cheez-its? Sounds like a good pre-dinner snack. My thesis? Looks like a nice stack of paper to use as a coaster. Work in the morning? I'll wake up 20 minutes before and roll there looking like a mess. Paying my parking tickets? That'll need to wait. I need to save that money for trips to McDonalds at 2am. Working out? I hear sleeping burns calories.... And down down down into the funk I go.

He makes me want to be a better me. He makes me want to be as amazing as I can possibly be. I want to do it all, and I smile while I do it, for him. And when he's gone... I'm back to the sub-par version of me. I have no motivation to be better for myself.

But really... its only a problem if he doesn't show up.

L

for the right reasons

The women on ABC's The Bachelor throw themselves into competition with 15+ other women all to win the heart of one man, who none of them have met previous to day one of the show's taping. The second - the very second- that these women sign up for this show I believe they give up their right to any form of logical thinking. You have to be some kind of crazy to sign up for that kind of competition with some unknown reward. Some of these girls, though, take crazy to a whole new level.

One of the girls was found to have been dating (perhaps more?) a member of the show's staff. She was removed from the show. The bachelor himself got a bit teary eyed. Here's the clincher: the other 14 girls got to crying as well. Huh? None of you just got cheated on. If anything, one less for the competition! One woman, through tears, said that she didn't think he deserved that kind of deceit. True. But you've been on one date with this man. Do you really cry for him when he gets cheated on after one date with another girl? Issues. Another woman says, through tears, that this reminds her of the deception and lying that gave her the most pain in her last relationship. I can see that. She can cry. Everyone else needs to suck it up. Put this in perspective, ladies: you've been on one date with him. He's been on one date with her. If this were real life, would this even be an issue? No. No. And I am aware that this isn't real life- nowhere NEAR real life- but at some point a step back can be a really beneficial step. These women are all going to be traumatized for life after this.

Let me be clear here, my aim is not to support the offending woman's actions, but everyone is now accusing her of having been here "for the wrong reasons" (and, alternately, "not for the right reasons"). The point of the show is to fall in love with this one man, but if her goal on the show was to meet someone and find love, wasn't she still there for the right reasons? She was still trying to find the man of her dreams.

I just have no sympathy for the bachelor. Any man with his pick of 15 women at any given time can pretty much suck it, in my humble opinion. She wasn't irreplaceable. He barely knew her.

This show drives me crazy. This is such an unreal representation of how love works, how love is found in the world, and how humans operate in general. For these 16 people though, this is how love works. And I'm going to stand by my belief that you have to be some kind of crazy to be in this for any reasons at all, right or wrong.

On the upside, this gets the crazy ones off the streets! Better chances for me. :)

L

crash

Another night without hope of sleep. I'm done fighting it. I'm giving into the sleeplessness. Tonight it's all my own fault.

I live in a bubble where ignorance is bliss. I protect myself by not asking the questions I don't want answered. Unless I know it's good news, I won't bother speaking up. If it has the possibility of shattering my protective barrier, I'll avoid learning it at all costs. This has been working splendidly. I get all the joy of being loved, and all the freedom of being on my own. Don't ask, don't tell. It works out. Or it did, until I didn't get enough sleep and neglected to remember how thin that glass bubble really is. It is so close to shattering, and I've barely scratched it.

The bubble has been more of a trap than a positive arrangement. Elusive freedom. I can see out, but I like my safety, so I stay. I don't push buttons that might nick the glass. I don't ask questions that would let real light through. I'm protecting myself so much that I'm creating an imaginary world in here- a lonely one. No one else can get in because I'm too distracted by something that will inevitably break the bubble and set me spinning back into deterioration at some unknown time in the near future.

My options are clear: break the bubble myself and begin my descent into hysteria, or wait. Wait for the bubble the shatter on its own. Wait until enough rocks fly at it, enough time passes and the cracks expand to the point where the bubble shatters under its own pressure. Holding out reality is a big job for such thin glass. I should've known to build it stronger in the first place.

The bubble is about to come crashing down. Not only will I be covered in slivers of broken glass and bleeding all over, but I'll be facing reality again. All that reality the bubble was holding out- the future, the past, relationships, friendships, love, life, ambition, honesty- will return to my shoulders. I'm bracing myself for the weight, but I know I'm not strong enough for all that. Especially not if I'm cut and bleeding when it comes down.

I asked a question I didn't want answered. I know I need the answer, but this will be the rock that cracks it all. One more sleepless night, this one spent waiting, waiting for it all to come falling onto me. At least I'm ready this time.

Ready as I'll ever be.

L

my love letter

I am writing this letter so that you'll know, incase I hadn't sent enough smoke signals to alert the world. I want you to know all the things I cannot tell you in person. I want to free all the feelings I cannot show you in any way aside from my written words. I am writing because you free me inside, you free me to be what I am, nothing held back, and no matter who that is at the end of the day, you'll still kiss me goodnight.

cos i love the way you say good morning

I am writing because you're the first and last thing I think of, and even though those thoughts aren't always happy, they give me chills. I want you to know that you still give me butterflies. I want to show you how much space you occupy in my mind. I am writing because you inspire me to write. I am writing because otherwise I'd be overflowing with feelings and I'd hate for you to have to clean that up.

cos i love the way you call me baby

I am writing because you're an excellent distraction. I want you to know that even when you aren't here, you really are. I want to show you how many lonely nights you've brought me through, how many sad moments you've dragged me out of. I am writing because doing anything else would be pointless- I have only enough dedication in me to write this to you.

cos i love you more than i could ever promise

I am writing this letter so that you'll know, incase you hadn't seen the other 76 letters, how much I adore you. I want you to know how much I appreciate the lessons we've learned, the trouble we've faced, the smiles we've shared. I want to show you how far you've brought me. I want you to see how much you've changed me, for the better. I am writing because you have reminded me what it's like to live, what it's like to be me. I am writing because you gave me a reason to sing again.

and you take me the way i am

L

*lyrics from Ingrid Michaelson's The Way I Am