what dreams are made of

There's the question of how much I need him. The chemicals in my brain think he is undoubtably necessary to my existence. The chemicals in my heart agree. The outside world thinks otherwise. I'd exist without him. Probably. I could be happy without him, I'm sure of that. But I'd be unhappy for a time before the happiness reappeared. I'd listen to my friends say how much I never needed him anyway. I'd meet tons of unnecessary people and be involved in many miserable, pointless relationships. Do I need those? No. I probably need him more than I need 50 more awkward, go-nowhere dates. I probably need him more than I need 2 more years of clubbing too much and crying myself to sleep out of loneliness. I want him more than I want any of that. I want him more than I've wanted anything I can remember.

He came over. He wasn't supposed to. He didn't need to. I was busy, but he said he was proving to me that he isn't as much of an ass as I think he is. I don't think he's an ass. He cancelled a date last week. I was really upset about that. I may have called him an asshole, but he made it a point to come over JUST to sleep next to me, JUST to prove to me that he is not the ass he seems to be, JUST to show me that he needs to be with me as much as I need to be with him. Every second with him feels like it was meant to happen. Like every minute, even the most bizarre minutes, were destined. Our every interaction feels... perfect. I can't think he's an ass for too long. I can't think he's an ass for a second after he smiles. 
He's leaving soon. If all goes as planned, he'll be gone by June this year. 4 months. He's asked me to go with him, but my answer remains the same; if we can't make it work here, how will being 6 hours away help? Honestly, being 6 hours away would help. But I can't compromise yet. I can't let him take me away from what has become my home just to follow love. 


Love has to be worth fighting for. If it isn't worth that, then it isn't worth the chemicals firing in your brain to make it happen. If it isn't worth the pain, it isn't worth the pleasure. Pandora's box was opened for a reason. I'm not suggesting that love should hurt, that you should feel pain in all relationships, that being in love should be a heartbreaking experience... but love should be worth feeling that for. I'm willing to go through some upset to feel the all-encompassing happiness that comes with the upside.

There's no feeling in the world like knowing he's holding me until I fall asleep. I know he's waiting for me to sleep, and I know he'll immediately turn over once I've drifted off... but thats irrelevant. He's waiting. He kisses me on the forehead and rubs my back until I fall asleep. 
An hour later, when I wake up, he's fallen asleep facing me. 
I have to correct myself. That may be the best feeling in the world. That kind of comfort, intimacy, happiness, you can't find that on the street corner. Can't find it in the club or on just any date or in just any set up. Thats the kind of intimacy that exists to make sure fairy tales keep getting written. That kind of happiness is what keeps Disney in business. That kind of comfort is what keeps me cuddling with his sweatshirt long after he's gone. 


Maybe I am too deep to see the truth in all this. He is leaving in 4 months. He and I haven't even tried to make it work legitimately since August. We've been hiding and sneaking around and falling in love behind curtains for 6 months. 
But I'd do anything for the fluttering in my heart right now.

I can't say I love him out loud. I can't say it to him. My voice won't make the sounds. But I can feel myself telling him. I can feel him saying it back. After we kiss, when both still have our eyes closed and I sneak a tiny peek, the smile on his face... thats enough. That moment, right there, is what dreams are made of. 


The decision's made.
I can't give up on a dream like that.
L

scare easy

I'm not sure how well the arranged marriage will work out. I may not be built right for it. I require an initial spark. I crave those damn butterflies. If they aren't there, I get bored faster than a 4 year old watching Citizen Kane. And that pretty much sums up what has become of my arranged marriage. Not a butterfly in the place. Not even a caterpillar.
Or, at least, not that I can see. He, on the other hand, is in some fairy tale land akin to the butterfly garden at Marine World. He tells me, he tells his friends. He's been struck by a spark I didn't ever see. And he's very clear on that! And me? I scare easy. This is me running. I don't want to be mean, I don't want to be a heartbreaker, but it is situations like this one that give me that reputation. I have spent a total of 3 hours with this person, and he's already shouting from the rooftops. If he'd shut up long enough to watch me react to the screaming, he'd have saved us both a lot of trouble. As it is, though, I have to have an awkward conversation with an unsuspecting, innocent guy, who meant no harm. Suddenly I'm the bitch again. I'm the bitch just because I don't feel it. I'm not even giving him a name here. He's my failed attempt at an arranged marriage. He will be a reminder that I am a hopeless romantic, and I require love from the start.
Tonight I will have the awkward conversation. It will be a long, awkward, uncomfortable night. I will learn my lesson.
I hope I learn my lesson. I hate this conversation.
L

starting over

Wall! Finally, I have found it. I hit it tonight! Didn't hurt myself, didn't hurt the wall. Passersby probably didn't even notice that I touched the wall, but I know that I found it.
Since my expectations are set so unbelievably low for C, he doesn't have to do much to surpass them and impress me and make me fall all over again. But I hold a big double standard for men- obviously- in that no other guy can hit any expectation that I have set for them. Every other guy falls miserably short, to the point where I fear I may be alone forever.
It seems that I have only one option left. This option will get rid of C and finish the difficult meeting/dating/dumping cycle I've gotten stuck in! Ready? I don't know that you are... but without further ado, the final frontier:
arranged marriage!

If I pick one, and stick to that one, then I'll have to deal with it no matter what "it" may be! As noted on How I Met Your Mother this week, "free-will gets you constant, ego-shattering uncertainty," which is something I just do not need. An arranged marriage would give me no choices, I'd have to love him, I'd have to appreciate him, and any kind of pre-conceived expectations would be completely irrelevant.
Ok. Thats the plan. Cutest guy I meet this weekend gets to be mine forever, whether we're compatible or not. We'll make it work. I believe in us. Thus begins the great adventure of the only relationship for the rest of my life.
The beginning really is the best part.
L

entertainment value

Confession: In the car the other morning I used my iPhone (app: Shazam) to find out what cd C had playing so that I could listen to it when I got home. Not because I liked it instinctively or found myself wanting to hear more, but because I want to be listening to what he's listening to. Thats silly. I need a better hobby than this boy.

(Pause.. moment of thought... a better hobby... really? do I reaaallllyyy need a new one? hmmm... no. I'm convinced. You're not? Pause... moment of thought....)

But this hobby can just be so much fun sometimes!! Can crossstitch buy you a beer? Can tennis kiss you goodnight? Can thinking about coin collecting keep your heart aflutter all night? (If it can, I would like to discuss that further with you... in a more private setting...). 

Yea, I'll stick with this one. If all else fails, I'm broadening my musical horizons.

There's really no harm in that. 

L 

remember. and smile.

Bringing back an old post because reading this reminded me why I let myself hit the lows.

The highs are just so unbelievably worth it.

L

(ps: August 4th, for anyone who wasn't reading back then, still puts me on a cloud.)

THURSDAY, JUNE 18, 2009

fearless

I don't know how it gets better than this

The first night was full of harmless flirtation. Subtle at points, but sometimes terribly obvious. We parted at day break, leaving the dark night to go into a gorgeous sunny day. Still, though, separate.

You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless

The suspense built for two days while we went on with our lives in separate places. Two long days. Really, days the regular length, but oh how they stretched out while waiting for replies to text messages and thinking up clever but cute responses once the phone decided to chime.

And you know I want to ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot

It seems to take forever, but I finally see him again. We meet downtown; I walk in and see him waiting for me. I catch his eye and I swear his eyes smile. We start sitting at least a foot apart. Minutes pass. Move closer. 6 inches. 4. I don't have to try to seem magnetically attracted to him this time, I just am. I don't have to wonder if he noticed my hand brush by his, he notices. Suddenly it's so simple. It happens all by itself. Gravity really does want us to be closer.

Absent mindedly making me want you

We leave, each driving ourselves, and meet somewhere else where his friends are waiting. I try my best to be surreptitious, no one needs to know I am here with him. That's for me to know. That's for me to smile about. Some subtle hand holding. Some half hugs. Some smiling glances. Someone else tries to make a move on me, and immediately I'm whisked out the door. No questions asked. No words to speak, I know he wants me to himself. Heart racing.

So baby drive slow, until we run out of road

He gives me a ride home. Smiling. Holding hands. I feel like a giddy teenager on a first date. All hope, no fear. No past, no present, no fear of the future. Everything has fallen into place and I wasn't afraid for a minute. I'm floating through the night, and so quickly it's over and I'm back to solid ground. Walking to the door, I feel like it's all over too soon. Why can't it last till day break again?

Wait.. why can't it?

And it does.

You stood there with me in the doorway

My hands shake

I'm not usually this way but

You pull me in and I'm a little more brave

It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something

It's fearless

Fearless.

L

*lyrics from Taylor Swift's Fearless

borrowed words

"you know how after you take a shower, the mirror is foggy? and then you write, "i love him." then a few moments later it's gone forever... or so you think. but it's not until the next time you take a hot shower it will appear again in the exact same spot. it's like it's engraved in the mirror or something. well, that's how you... are in my heart. i finally feel like i have disposed of my feelings for you and that i don't care about you anymore but then it all comes back to me. how much i love you and how much i need you in my life. i guess you'll stay in my heart forever."

"It's so weird. You're so different from all the others I've liked. We barely know each other and I freak out if you even say a word to me. It seems so unreal for us to be together, yet for some reason I can picture us together: talking, laughing, taking crazy pictures. As much as I want to give up sometimes, I keep on trying because something in my gut tells me that we are meant to be, and that one day, it just might happen."

L

*both from Darling, look at me. I've fallen like a fool for you

and then

First I cry, and complain, and overanalyze... And I yell, and chastise, and exaggerate... And then you rearrange, and show up, and make me feel.. well.. better.

Better is good.

L