wanting

There are guys who want me, and that's nice to know. Problem is I feel the need to be honest with them. I have been telling them the truth, once I learn their intentions, which is usually that I don't feel those all-important butterflies with them; I don't want them the way they want me.

How do I know what wanting is anymore, after so long with the same person? I know because at the moment I want someone. Someone out there is giving me those amazing butterflies when we are together, and I feel the pangs of lonliness when we are apart. I know what wanting feels like, and the ones who want me are not the ones I want.

Unfortunately, the one I want does not want me.

What a sad thing to realize. I'm not sure which is better: being told that you aren't wanted or finding out on your own through forgotten messages and ignored calls.

Either way, though, I suppose knowing the truth is better than
pretending otherwise.

Knowing what I want, though, would be best.

L

best of both worlds

Torn.

Well, slightly ripped.

Actually, perfectly intact, but I'd like to think I'm suffering in some way for this.

In the words of UVR:

"Who wants the same old thing every night? Yes, I need change in my life."

Cryptic still. I'll break this down...

I like attention. I like to be wanted, to know I'm being watched, to know someone is thinking about me and wanting to be near me. (Who doesn't?) And I've got this friend who has always fulfilled that requirement. He's that nice guy. I'm upset? He answers the call. I need to go out? He's taking me out. I need sushi at 2 am? He finds it. He's not a push-over, not by any means, he doesn't wait for me to call, he isn't waiting for me in any way, but when I need him, he's there. We'll call him... D.

Now, D and I, we've had our moments. He's a sweet guy, and I'm a sweet girl :), and so there's been some friction. How do I phrase this... I'm only attracted to him in certain ways and at certain times. That's all I will say.

Here's the kicker.

C, although he pulled the oldest line in the book (I got scared...), still has the power to attract me in multiple ways. I am attracted to him in most ways and at most times. He's got a charisma of which he is completely aware, and that, my friends, is the problem.

I'm stuck between the nice guy and the kinda-bad guy. Easy answer? Nice guy. Of course. But the attraction isn't all there and I'm not going to dive into that without thinking twice. Thats a set up for failure. Kind-bad guy? Maybe he'll change... no.. no.. they never do.

But, ya know, I'm not terribly distraught. If my biggest problem today is deciding which of these two awesome guys I'll be getting my drinks from tonight, then today is probably gonna be a beautiful day.

Stuck between a marshmallow and a smooshy place. :)

Like bouncing between clouds.

L

*Lyrics from UVR's Got 2 Girlfriends

work is never over

work it harder 

mind control. not someone else's, control your own. convince yourself you don't need this. you deserve better. you can kick this. a silly addiction, infatuation even, and its irrelevant to the rest of your life. 

mind control. convince yourself. if you know it, you know it. 

but you need to know it. own it. be it. live it. know it. 

makes us better 

that'll put it behind you. you don't need to be treated this way, you deserve to be appreciated, loved, for you. not for favors. not for entertainment. you deserve to be loved for you. and since you know it, be it. live it. don't loosen your standards for the first pretty face with a talent for charming your pants off. fight it. you're better than that. you're better than you think you are. 

don't forget that. know it.  

do it faster 

the sooner you know, the sooner you run. cut and run and be happy. don't depend on someone else to make you smile, smile because you don't need someone else. trust your gut, believe your intuition. if your heart says go, but your mind says stop, believe yourself and escape the wreckage. players are gonna play. cheaters are gonna cheat. the first time is never the first time, and its never the last. know what you know and believe in yourself. and don't be afraid to rush out of it. fools rush in. you rush out. and you'll like it. 

makes us stronger 

trust the process. trust that by the end of this, you'll be all you need to be for next time. you will know better, you will be smarter, you will have the power to break the cycle. if they're playing, you're winning. if they're lying, you're seeing. the ball is in your court because you keep it there. the only way to play it safe is to play nothing but offense and dominate that game. back down, get beat. but you won't back down. you don't need to. you don't need time to breathe, you don't need a break, you don't need to nap or reenergize or take a time out. you have stamina. you can do this until it's done. and you will. and you'll like it. 

i know i gotta be right now 

cos i can't get much wronger

L

*lyrics from Daft Punk's Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger and Kanye West's Stronger

fences

I would love to cave in. I'd like to call him, show up at his house, appear out of no where and let him swoon, apologize, and beg for forgiveness. Afterwards I'd tell him he needed to work for my trust, and he'd promise to do nothing but that for as long as it took.

But that wouldn't happen. And even if it did, I would be stupid to believe it.

you're always on display for everyone to watch and learn from

I have learned my share of lessons. I know the answer when a girl is hurt by a guy. I know how to tell her to pick herself up off the ground, brush it off, and move on without looking back. I do it on a weekly basis. And so now, now that I'm thrown back into this fire, I have to take my own advice. I have to be just as strong as I tell them to be. I have to be the good example.

don't look up just let them think there's no place else you'd rather be

I'm playing the hard ass. He texts, I wait. Sure my heart skips, I hope more than anything that he'll be saying he can't live without me, but that's irrelevant. I not only have to live out my own advice but I have to make it look like it is the best decision I have ever made. Unfortunately, at the moment it feels like ice picks stabbing into my shoulders. I want to break down, run back, embrace the 'ignorance is bliss' philosophy that I am usually so against. No. Can't. I must look like the strongest person in any room. I have to be the strongest person in any room. I am the strongest person in any room.

it's obvious that you're just living proof that the camera's lying

At least all those acting classes weren't a complete waste.

L

*lyrics from Paramore's Fences

sometimes

sometimes

i think i'm invincible

i think i can walk through walls

i think i can have it all

and then sometimes

i get knocked down a step

i get pushed back to reality

i get woken up to my life again

and i tease myself into thinking

i can have it all

i can do it all

and i let myself believe

that this is it

and one more time

it falls apart

and one more time

i let my heart

get broken

broken

broken

and one more time

it falls apart

and one more time

i play the part

of that girl

who lets her heart

get broken

broken

broken apart.

still

sometimes

i think i'm strong enough

i think i'm built so tough

i think that i can handle anything

and then sometimes

i notice i'm falling down

i notice i'm starting to turn around

i notice i'm not as strong as i thought i was

and i tease myself into thinking

that i dont want this

that i dont need you

that i am bigger

and better

and stronger

and harder

but i can't keep lying to me.

so one more time

it falls apart

and one more time

i let my heart

get broken

broken

broken

and one more time

it falls apart

and one more time

i play the part

of that girl

who lets her heart

get broken

broken

broken apart.

if only i knew better. i could protect myself. if only i could play the game, play like someone else.

if only i could realize that i'm not the girl i was. i'm not as strong, i'm not as smart, i'm phased by love.

but sometimes

i think i'm invincible

and sometimes

i think i can have it all

until i

realize

that i'm me

and i get my heart broken.

L

and so it goes

I am not that girl.

I do not stand by and watch my heart get shredded.

I do not step aside to let someone get in my way.

I do not accept petty apologies.

I do not take second.

But you are that guy.

You let girls think they have a chance because you like the attention.

You lead people on so that you never have to go to bed alone.

You think 'I don't know' is a valid excuse.

You are heartless.

And I won't be that girl.

Let her think she has a chance.

Let her think she's the only one.

Let her answer your calls.

Let her wait all night to hear from you.

I refuse to be that girl.

I will stay here and cry until it's out of my system.

I will ignore your calls until they stop coming.

I will drink by myself until I'm done crying.

I will be here until it's over.

Because you are that guy.

And I am obviously not the girl you are looking for.

I am so much better than that.

Thanks for reminding me.

L

him

At some point there must be a happy ending.

Or at least a happy intermission.

Is it perfect? Should it be? Does it matter?

I want to be near him. I want him to be near me. I want to know he wants me, too.

And is that enough?

Two weeks, three days.

So far, so good, and that is all I am going to say.

But I'm happy. :)

L