vienna

slow down you crazy child, you're so ambitious for a juvenile. 

i've been avoiding reality. you can do it too. just convince yourself that the inevitable is completely negotiable, and then you'll have a fun delusional time just like i've been having. think "it has only been two months, but i am doing GREAT. like nothing ever happened!"... think "we are both moving on, we are doing so well. so completely almost healed."... think "we are still friends. i still love him and want what's best for him, but i'm so okay with us not being together."

but then if you're so smart, tell me why are you still so afraid? 

reality is confronting me and insisting, against all i know to be true in the world, that real life is going to win this round. i can pretend and imagine and tease my mind all i want, but in the end, reality wins. like it or not. i believe the technical term for that is "sucks to be you". this is not the first time it has sucked to be me, you'd think i could handle it by now. why am i still trying to convince myself that my make believe reality is the real thing? why can't i own up to my own life? why am i always hiding from something?

slow down you're doing fine, you can't be everything you want to be before your time.

i still wear my tiara when i get sad. i use too much soap when i do laundry because i love the smell of detergent. i put band aids on anything that hurts, even if there is no visible injury. i keep my mouse ears in the car incase i need them. on that note, i keep a tambourine in the trunk for that same reason. so much of what makes up my me-ness is beyond the scope of a normal reality. i have no regard for saving money. band aids are expensive, but the comfort i get from knowing my ouchies are covered is worth it. i wash clothes that i've worn for only 5 minutes, because i need to smell that familiar detergent smell and know that some things don't change. instead of learning to fix a flat, i learned to call AAA, and have devoted my trunk space to child-like objects. but wearing my tiara when times are tough, that is one protection i'm not willing to give up. that tiny piece of plastic has protected me countless times. 5$ well spent. better protection than any therapist could've given. 

you've got your passion, you've got your pride, but don't you know that only fools are satisfied.

i am well on my way to succeeding at what i wish to do. i am young enough and strong enough to accomplish my academic goals well before i turn 30. even this rift in my plans hasn't thrown me far off course, i'm still moving forward. i am the little engine that could. i have made it this far unscathed, so of course i'll make it the rest of the way with flying colors. right? or am i telling myself that to close out reality. when i take off my tiara, when i've run out of bandaids, when i am paying to do my laundry with a roll of quarters and using generic detergent, will i still 'think i can'? the little engine did it. casey junior thought it long enough and hard enough that he made it up that hill. so i can do it, too! . . . there i go again, replacing reality with story books. the lesson here seems to be that i'm not ready for reality. i can't even face it when i type it all out. 

dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true.

L

*lyrics from Billy Joel's Vienna