the fall

The guy we love to hate.

Okay, you all hate him, there is no love in that. But I can't help it. He's had me hooked for months and I can't get enough. Tonight I am going to change your minds about him. Tonight, if I try hard enough, you might begin to understand.

I don't want to make the same mistakes I did.

He saved me.

When I was drowning in tears and heartache, he dug me out of that pit of hopelessness. He gave me something to look forward to day after day. He got me out of my room, he gave me a reason to be social again, he introduced me to new friends, and he reintroduced me to FUN. It had been so long since I had just plain enjoyed myself, with no thought to how that would affect anyone else. I didn't stop to think once if my hanging out with his friends and drinking and laughing all night would hurt him or hurt us or hurt me; and it didn't. It strengthened us. I enjoyed life, and we became closer because of it. He may not have meant to pull me out of the damage that was my failed attempt at a life in love, but he did. He did. And I do love him for that.

Won't see it coming when it happens, but when it happens...

He made me believe again.

Part of me is still skeptical. Hormones play with thought processes and make you think things that probably aren't real once the sun rises. Silly hormones. But I adore those hormones. I couldn't be me without them. I am not myself when I am skeptical of fairy tales, when I'm doubtful of the 'happily ever after', when I don't trust that every piece of life is building up toward something. Without that heart-racing, butter-flying, gut-wrenching, tear-jerking, all-consuming hormone parade inside me, I'm just not myself. I am a believer. I believe in love. And I believe in love after love. And I believe in happiness in the darkest places, and darkness in the sun. I believe in light and shadows and love. Love above all else. Love is everywhere. He reminded me that I need to believe.

You gotta take the good with the bad, happy and the sad.

He opened my eyes.

With all that potential for love welling up inside me, it is inevitable that I hit walls here and there. I'm constantly spilling with unexpressed emotion, so I tend to forget where I'm going, get distracted, allow myself to be misguided. Keywords, though: allow myself. I could protect myself. I could shield my heart from all the possibilities that the world has to offer, but where is the fun in that. What good would that do me. I need to fail. I need to hit walls. I need to fall in love and bounce back and do it again and again, and again. And I need to never stop doing it! Pain is a consequence of investing yourself completely in another person, but it is one I am aware of. I had forgotten it, having spent so long in a commitment with no consequence, good or bad. But I remember the pain now. I know the pain well. And the euphoria wouldn't feel nearly as good without the pain to compare to. I hate him for reminding me of the pain, but I appreciate the reminder so much more.

If it hits better make it worth the fall.

He makes me smile.

There are days when he makes my heart ache. Days when I forget about him. Days when he forgets about me. Days when we are dating other people. Days when we exchange glances and go on like nothing happened. But every single day, he makes me smile. He brought the smile back to my face, helped me believe again, showed me what I am fighting for, and above all he is still making me smile. Maybe it isn't the typical story. He doesn't dote on me day after day, but the guys who do aren't getting responses from me. He doesn't need to call me to say goodnight every night, because I don't need to hear his voice to have amazing dreams. He is there when I need him, and I am there when he needs me. When we are together, things fall into place. We smile more, and more honestly, in an hour together just watching TV than we do in a day separately. The feeling of a real smile, a real honest-to-goodness smile, the kind you literally cannot control or keep from sneaking up on your face, that is one of the best feelings in the world. That is love. That kind of inescapable happiness must be love. I don't mean to say that I love him, but I do love what he does to me. He makes me happy. He makes me the person I used to be. When I am with him I remember who I was before the world came crashing down, and it feels so amazing to be her again. Carefree, happy, loving, smiling me. And she... me... I can't help but adore him for giving me the chance to be myself again.

Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down

Just get back up when it knocks you down

I may not have been able to persuade you to love him, or even like him, but I hope I at least helped to bridge the gap. Don't hate him. Anything he's done to me, any pain I've expressed, I've allowed him to inflict. And I may cry and complain, but that pain is what makes love finding. If Pandora's box never opened, what difference would there be between happiness and unhappiness? There would be no unhappiness. And if happiness were the norm, how could we appreciate it? We couldn't. If all we had was constant unending love, we wouldn't know how to feel it. I feel love and pain and happiness and sadness and joy and sorrow and confusion and conflict and elation SO much more strongly because of him. He helped me start to find myself again. And he makes me happy.

As much as you hate him, please love me. Love me enough to see the value in what he's brought to my life. Hate him, if you must, because someone needs to. I seem to be incapable. But know that when I fall, I'll get back up. And I will keep falling.

So far, falling in love is the only injury worth the scrapes.

L

*Lyrics from Keri Hilson's Knock You Down