the pillow

I stopped smelling the pillow. I do still switch the pillows after he sleeps over so that I get to sleep on the one he had the night before, but I don't purposely smell the pillow anymore.

Hold your applause.

The pillow habit has been broken for a while now. I haven't even wanted the smell. But yesterday I entered a new phase: the sweatshirt phase.

This is why I told you to hold that applause.

The sweatshirt phase may, in fact, be a step backward. But it is such a cozy step! Instead of jonesing for a smell on a pillow, I am surrounded by smell. I can even put the hood up and sleep in smell. I don't need the silly pillow that only exists on my bed, I have sweatshirt which surrounds me entirely whenever and wherever I choose!

I'm concerned that eventually he'll want it back.... but until then, I'll be cozy, warm, and smiling.

This piece of fuzzy fabric makes me feel butterflies.

L

expectations

I can't help but expect love from my mother, support from my best friends, a good night out from other friends, advice from some, judgement from others. Generally I try to avoid the friends from whom I have come to expect judgement, but as my life has been changing its course I've seen my expectations violated. Some friends have decided that the course I'm turning toward isn't the best one, whether for selfless reasons or otherwise. I've had about enough of that.

Those expectations go both ways. I expect love and support from my friends, and they expect me to be the person they chose to be friends with. Does that mean if you become my friend at step 1, I cannot be a new person at step 10? No. Definitely not. (I definitely hope not.) But at which point between step 1 and 10 is it acceptable to break up with a friend who can't handle the changes?

My goals have changed drastically in the past 7 months. My lifestyle has changed. My thought processes have changed. My priorities have changed. If those were what created a friendship, then that friendship obviously won't last through them.

Thank you, friends, for being the kind I appreciate the most. If you are reading this, you are not the friend I plan to break up with somewhere between step 5 and 7. You are the friends who may suggest that I'm making a bad decision, you might point out a better idea, you sometimes choose to look away when you see me taking a path I ought not to, but you don't judge. You are the friends who understand that everyone needs to make their own way. You let me make my choices and you listen to me whine afterward, even if you knew better. You are the reason I don't let those judgmental friends get to me.

So thank you for not feeling too much like I've violated your expectations.

And thank you for living up to every one of mine.

L

the fall

The guy we love to hate.

Okay, you all hate him, there is no love in that. But I can't help it. He's had me hooked for months and I can't get enough. Tonight I am going to change your minds about him. Tonight, if I try hard enough, you might begin to understand.

I don't want to make the same mistakes I did.

He saved me.

When I was drowning in tears and heartache, he dug me out of that pit of hopelessness. He gave me something to look forward to day after day. He got me out of my room, he gave me a reason to be social again, he introduced me to new friends, and he reintroduced me to FUN. It had been so long since I had just plain enjoyed myself, with no thought to how that would affect anyone else. I didn't stop to think once if my hanging out with his friends and drinking and laughing all night would hurt him or hurt us or hurt me; and it didn't. It strengthened us. I enjoyed life, and we became closer because of it. He may not have meant to pull me out of the damage that was my failed attempt at a life in love, but he did. He did. And I do love him for that.

Won't see it coming when it happens, but when it happens...

He made me believe again.

Part of me is still skeptical. Hormones play with thought processes and make you think things that probably aren't real once the sun rises. Silly hormones. But I adore those hormones. I couldn't be me without them. I am not myself when I am skeptical of fairy tales, when I'm doubtful of the 'happily ever after', when I don't trust that every piece of life is building up toward something. Without that heart-racing, butter-flying, gut-wrenching, tear-jerking, all-consuming hormone parade inside me, I'm just not myself. I am a believer. I believe in love. And I believe in love after love. And I believe in happiness in the darkest places, and darkness in the sun. I believe in light and shadows and love. Love above all else. Love is everywhere. He reminded me that I need to believe.

You gotta take the good with the bad, happy and the sad.

He opened my eyes.

With all that potential for love welling up inside me, it is inevitable that I hit walls here and there. I'm constantly spilling with unexpressed emotion, so I tend to forget where I'm going, get distracted, allow myself to be misguided. Keywords, though: allow myself. I could protect myself. I could shield my heart from all the possibilities that the world has to offer, but where is the fun in that. What good would that do me. I need to fail. I need to hit walls. I need to fall in love and bounce back and do it again and again, and again. And I need to never stop doing it! Pain is a consequence of investing yourself completely in another person, but it is one I am aware of. I had forgotten it, having spent so long in a commitment with no consequence, good or bad. But I remember the pain now. I know the pain well. And the euphoria wouldn't feel nearly as good without the pain to compare to. I hate him for reminding me of the pain, but I appreciate the reminder so much more.

If it hits better make it worth the fall.

He makes me smile.

There are days when he makes my heart ache. Days when I forget about him. Days when he forgets about me. Days when we are dating other people. Days when we exchange glances and go on like nothing happened. But every single day, he makes me smile. He brought the smile back to my face, helped me believe again, showed me what I am fighting for, and above all he is still making me smile. Maybe it isn't the typical story. He doesn't dote on me day after day, but the guys who do aren't getting responses from me. He doesn't need to call me to say goodnight every night, because I don't need to hear his voice to have amazing dreams. He is there when I need him, and I am there when he needs me. When we are together, things fall into place. We smile more, and more honestly, in an hour together just watching TV than we do in a day separately. The feeling of a real smile, a real honest-to-goodness smile, the kind you literally cannot control or keep from sneaking up on your face, that is one of the best feelings in the world. That is love. That kind of inescapable happiness must be love. I don't mean to say that I love him, but I do love what he does to me. He makes me happy. He makes me the person I used to be. When I am with him I remember who I was before the world came crashing down, and it feels so amazing to be her again. Carefree, happy, loving, smiling me. And she... me... I can't help but adore him for giving me the chance to be myself again.

Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down

Just get back up when it knocks you down

I may not have been able to persuade you to love him, or even like him, but I hope I at least helped to bridge the gap. Don't hate him. Anything he's done to me, any pain I've expressed, I've allowed him to inflict. And I may cry and complain, but that pain is what makes love finding. If Pandora's box never opened, what difference would there be between happiness and unhappiness? There would be no unhappiness. And if happiness were the norm, how could we appreciate it? We couldn't. If all we had was constant unending love, we wouldn't know how to feel it. I feel love and pain and happiness and sadness and joy and sorrow and confusion and conflict and elation SO much more strongly because of him. He helped me start to find myself again. And he makes me happy.

As much as you hate him, please love me. Love me enough to see the value in what he's brought to my life. Hate him, if you must, because someone needs to. I seem to be incapable. But know that when I fall, I'll get back up. And I will keep falling.

So far, falling in love is the only injury worth the scrapes.

L

*Lyrics from Keri Hilson's Knock You Down

gotta have faith

Sunshine. Breeze. Fallen leaves. Baby sneezes. Cold beer. Paychecks. New lotion. Perfume. Butterflies. TV. Christmas. Ladybugs. See's lollipops. Movie theaters. Sweatpants. Disneyland. Flying at night. Flowers. Smiling. Ballet flats. Pink. Ice cream. Love. Stars.

Things I love, most of which I cannot experience without leaving the house. Some of which almost require me to be in the house, but I'm willing to suggest that I have a healthy balance here. Point is that I need to leave the house sometimes. Leaving the house can make all the difference. So I'm going to stop giving up on life. There is no thing so bad in my world that I cannot pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.

In an effort to get to sleep tonight and to make a point quickly, I refer to the words of a great man, Mr. George Michael.

I've gotta think twice before I give my heart away

I know all the games you play because I play them, too

I need someone to hold me but I'll wait for something more

Cos I gotta have faith.

Yes, I've gotta have faith.

(Baaaaaaby!)

L

*Lyrics from George Michael's Faith

melt away

Today I checked my phone to see the last time we talked. A quick exchange, October 30th. The last time before that was equally brief, October 20th. I drafted a few messages in my head. It seems like enough time has passed that I should say hello again. How to phrase it... "miss me yet?" or a simple "hi...". Maybe cross a thin line and jump strait to "so what have you been up to lately?", but I don't want to cross too far. Too far and you may not answer. Too far and you may not see the nonchalance I'm desperately hoping to exude.

thoughts run wild as I sit and rhapsodize

I didn't send you a message. I didn't call. I didn't give you any indication that I'd spent the morning planning out the perfect way to remind you of my existence. I decided, instead, that if you could go without me, then I could certainly go without you. You don't need to text me? I don't need to text you. And so it went. I spent my day like I would any other, working, cleaning, and flushing the memories of you out of my mind every 20 seconds. How you have so much control over my mind after this long I have no idea. And believe me, I've thought about it. You must be controlling my thought processes as well as my sanity. You have a talent NASA would pay millions to bottle and reproduce. If only you'd use that mind control for good.

pretty pictures of what I'd do if you were mine

Tonight, after a particularly fulfilling night at work, one during which I was too busy to even begin to think of you. Honestly, if I hadn't looked at my phone on the drive home I might still be free of you. But instead, I looked. I looked and I had a message from you. Today of all days. Tonight of all nights. Its like you knew.

and suddenly, my defenses start to go

Do I have plans tomorrow night? I'm free after work. Would I like to go to a friend's birthday party with you? Are you all out of other options? I'm flattered. I'd love to go. You just want to dance with me? --swoon-- Count me in. I could meet you... Oh? You'll pick me up? Just call when I'm ready? Just like a real date.

I can't conceal that I'm slowly weakening

All that mental preparation. I convinced myself I wouldn't talk to you until you needed me so much that you talked to me first. And less than 12 hours later, somehow, you got the message. Do you know me that well? Or do you just know what you're doing. Or maybe you have stumbled upon some extremely amazing dumb luck in the love category. Whatever it is, it sure is working on me.

you envelop me and I lose my self control

I was so sure this morning. And just seeing your name tipped me over.

Tonight, though, I love this instability.

L

*lyrics from Mariah Carey's Melt Away