And even though I see him maybe once a week, and we talk maybe 3 times a week, I use him as an excuse to save me from all sorts of uncomfortable situations. The friend who insists on trying to be more than a friend? Sorry, I'm with him. The student who thinks we could have a shot when the semester's over? Sorry, I'm with him. The coworker who wants to create some kind of work-affair? Sorry, I have him. And he is everything I need.
But he is 50% imaginary. And my 'having' him is 99% imaginary. He isn't mine, and I'm not his, but when we're together-- in the daydreams or reality-- we're 100% each other's. That time is enough to drive my imagination wild for days, with or without him.
He awakens something in me that makes me not care if I'm alone the other 75% of the time. I'm happy with that. I'm happier with that than I've been without it. I'm happier with this than I've been in so long. Am I settling? Oh yes. But I'm settling in the most comfortable position...
I could barely imagine a more useful reality.
L
You have a student who thinks he (or she?) might have a shot with you? Very Animal House-esque, no?
ReplyDeleteBut seriously - no one can define your happiness. That is, fortunately or not, your job. If my own (ahem) considerable experience is any indication, it is no easy task. But it is kind of necessary. I mean, isn't it important to know when, exactly, it is that we are happy?
Hmmm, or maybe not. Maybe it is not so much a matter of striving for certain measures of happiness as it is discovering what actually constitutes it in the first place.
Mix in a little maturation and evolution and it becomes quite the daunting task. I'd have to say any percent is a victory of some sort.