facing it

Feels like it's been harder to get you out of my mind than it was to stop thinking of J.

At least J earned the months I spent trying to forget him. You didn't earn them, I gave them to you. I let you have me. Handed you my 'heart', as cliche and miserable as that sounds. Didn't even make you work for it. I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have me. I wanted you.

You got me over J. I forget that part. I so easily forget anything before 'us'.

Do you even remember that? Back then? When I wanted you and you wanted me. When we wanted each other. Back then it was a crowded, overwhelming, amazing two way street that ran unmetered 24 hours a day. I remember. Maybe you don't. Maybe that's the the problem. Maybe that's the solution.

Now I need to find someone to get you off my mind. It's logical.

Every boy I meet takes you off my mind for a minute. Some keep my attention for an hour, some for most of the night. No one has kept it longer than that. Most of the night is the record. By the time I'm home, even in the car on the way home, I start to wonder where you are. I wonder, and there's nothing stopping me from calling you to find out. But I'm always calling. I am constantly calling. You never have to call me. I'm always there.

Time to decide. Do I wait for you or keep waiting for someone?

I don't really have a choice. I've been waiting for you since I was 16. I was waiting for you when I found J. I've been waiting for you since the first time I saw Sleepless In Seattle, the first time I sang karaoke to a Mariah Carey song, the first time I held a boy's hand. I have been waiting to love someone this uncontrollably my entire life- short as that may be so far. So I'll wait for someone to distract me. I will wait for someone, anyone, to replace you. And I'll wait for you.

I've been waiting this long. I've built such a tolerance. I've become so much smarter.

And, despite that, I still want you. Either there is something fundamentally wrong with me, or I'm naturally addicted to this insanity.

Love.

I'm addicted to love.

L

tease

There is something about knowing I can't have you.

Tease.

You show up to the bar, where I've told you I am, to drink and dance. Drink. And dance. With me. You hold my hand, you kiss my forehead (which is a whole different story), and you buy me a drink in the cutest way possible... and then you leave. Like nothing ever happened. Like you were never there. Just enough.

Tease.

I'm disappointed. Not in you... more in me. I've been kidding around with another tease for months. He loves me, he loves me not. You know the drill. It's yours. Hell, it's mine. And it's never ending. When will you stop being unattainable?

Tease.

I think you could save me. You may, quite possibly, be the one person on this planet who could pull me out of this love-sick hole I've dug myself. You could. maybe, break the adhesive on this attachment I have for someone else. You will, I'm certain, make me work for it. And just so you know, I'm not terribly busy. You act like you aren't paying attention, but I am.

Tease.

But I still called him tonight. I still texted him on my way home. I still asked him to come over so that I won't have to sleep alone. You don't know, and you don't need to. You aren't mine, and I'm not yours. Physically or emotionally. And neither is he.

And to both of you, neither am I.

Ha. Tease.

L

melt away

Today I checked my phone to see the last time we talked. A quick exchange, October 30th. The last time before that was equally brief, October 20th. I drafted a few messages in my head. It seems like enough time has passed that I should say hello again. How to phrase it... "miss me yet?" or a simple "hi...". Maybe cross a thin line and jump strait to "so what have you been up to lately?", but I don't want to cross too far. Too far and you may not answer. Too far and you may not see the nonchalance I'm desperately hoping to exude.

thoughts run wild as I sit and rhapsodize

I didn't send you a message. I didn't call. I didn't give you any indication that I'd spent the morning planning out the perfect way to remind you of my existence. I decided, instead, that if you could go without me, then I could certainly go without you. You don't need to text me? I don't need to text you. And so it went. I spent my day like I would any other, working, cleaning, and flushing the memories of you out of my mind every 20 seconds. How you have so much control over my mind after this long I have no idea. And believe me, I've thought about it. You must be controlling my thought processes as well as my sanity. You have a talent NASA would pay millions to bottle and reproduce. If only you'd use that mind control for good.

pretty pictures of what I'd do if you were mine

Tonight, after a particularly fulfilling night at work, one during which I was too busy to even begin to think of you. Honestly, if I hadn't looked at my phone on the drive home I might still be free of you. But instead, I looked. I looked and I had a message from you. Today of all days. Tonight of all nights. Its like you knew.

and suddenly, my defenses start to go

Do I have plans tomorrow night? I'm free after work. Would I like to go to a friend's birthday party with you? Are you all out of other options? I'm flattered. I'd love to go. You just want to dance with me? --swoon-- Count me in. I could meet you... Oh? You'll pick me up? Just call when I'm ready? Just like a real date.

I can't conceal that I'm slowly weakening

All that mental preparation. I convinced myself I wouldn't talk to you until you needed me so much that you talked to me first. And less than 12 hours later, somehow, you got the message. Do you know me that well? Or do you just know what you're doing. Or maybe you have stumbled upon some extremely amazing dumb luck in the love category. Whatever it is, it sure is working on me.

you envelop me and I lose my self control

I was so sure this morning. And just seeing your name tipped me over.

Tonight, though, I love this instability.

L

*lyrics from Mariah Carey's Melt Away

craving

I can't even find lyrics to fit what I am feeling tonight.

I am overwhelmed.

I am not alone. I have choices. There isn't just one guy at my disposal tonight, there are a few. And who do I come home with? A girl. My friend who was too drunk to handle the remainder of the night. She is who I will share my bed with. Actually, I'm happy it's her.

But still, while I recount the night, count the drinks, count the guys, my mind gets stuck on him. HIM. The one guy I cannot have is the one guy, of course, who I cannot stop my mind from obsessing over. Why doesn't he want me. Why doesn't he call me. Why doesn't he seem to need me as badly as I crave him. I can't fight it. I can't fight myself.

What a horrible mess I'm in.

Fortunately, this mess is all in my mind. As soon as I learn to ignore it, it'll disappear.

...

So...

How long till I learn to ignore it...

L

wanting

There are guys who want me, and that's nice to know. Problem is I feel the need to be honest with them. I have been telling them the truth, once I learn their intentions, which is usually that I don't feel those all-important butterflies with them; I don't want them the way they want me.

How do I know what wanting is anymore, after so long with the same person? I know because at the moment I want someone. Someone out there is giving me those amazing butterflies when we are together, and I feel the pangs of lonliness when we are apart. I know what wanting feels like, and the ones who want me are not the ones I want.

Unfortunately, the one I want does not want me.

What a sad thing to realize. I'm not sure which is better: being told that you aren't wanted or finding out on your own through forgotten messages and ignored calls.

Either way, though, I suppose knowing the truth is better than
pretending otherwise.

Knowing what I want, though, would be best.

L