literally biting the hand that feeds

I cancelled another date. It's becoming a serious problem. 9 out of 10 times this doesn't bother me, because once the date is cancelled I rarely have to see the guy again, other than the random run-ins on J street on drunken Friday nights, but this time it is one of those exceptions. An exception that I fall into more often than I'd like.
I can officially say "Oops, I did it again."

Since I've been single in midtown, I've gotten attached to quite a few watering holes. Ahem. I've gotten attached to one spot at a time. What makes me leave one pseudo-home for the next one? I tend to date the help. Or, as is my way, make dates and then cancel them, and in order to avoid awkwardness, find a new place to hang out.

This was my first venturing outside of the "bartender"type. The date I cancelled this week was with an executive chef! I thought by getting out from behind the bar I might be making a step in the right direction. The though has merit... but my follow through is severely lacking. There goes my late-night-taco stop, my mid-afternoon-burger joint, my Sunday-funday hangout. I'd rather find a new bar than deal with that awkwardness.

From now on I only date make dates with people who work in bars I severely dislike. Thats the right moral to get from this story, right?
...right?
L

answers

Why do I cancel dates before they happen?

Why do I avoid answering phone calls?

Why do I live in a fantasy land where the dream is all I need?

Why do I need to feel attractive all the time?

Why do I keep getting numbers and not using them?

Why do I feel the need to make appearances?

Why do I avoid step 2?

Because I'm not the only one who can do the leaving. And as long as I leave first, I'm not getting hurt. Because when someone else gets to decide when it's time to leave I just end up with more questions.

More questions and no answers.

L

my first addiction

I've never been one to fall into addictive slumps. I smoked cigarettes for a while, but stopped one day because someone told me to. No cravings. No relapse. I drank heavily for a few months, and stopped one day because I needed to wake up early the next day. No cravings. No problems. I've never had an episode with drugs. I've never been addicted to anything even so much as chap stick.

I remember reading somewhere that you know you have an addiction, not just a bad habit/hobby, when it begins to interfere with your everyday life. You change plans to accommodate it. You let it interfere with sleep, getting work done, and it inevitably effects your personal relationships.

I've never been one to fall into addictive slumps, but lately I've been letting something work its way into my life in a very intrusive way. I wake up in the middle of the night and stay up for hours to calm cravings. I put off work. I reschedule appointments to accommodate the availability of it. I've been pretty good about keeping it to only affecting me, but I sincerely believe that I've hit the point where it has begun affecting my relationships. It definitely has changed the way I think, the way I feel, the way my mind works, and the way I go about my day.

But I can't say no.

The high is amazing. How can I even begin to explain it? Can I really describe being that close to the sublime? I can see nirvana, I can feel it, I can touch it. The world around me falls away. Important things are still important, but I feel at peace with pressing deadlines. Everything will be fine in the end, because I am floating through heaven and no bad thoughts could possibly interfere here. Nothing can get in the way of this.

Nothing except time. The high does wear off. Either with a crash or slowly throughout the day. The high goes away. And what then? I want more. I compromise my principles to try and find it. I am still me, but I am me on a bender. The difference is probably unnoticeable from the outside, I am not driven to shaking or hiding out or chewing huge pieces of bubblegum constantly, but on the inside I can feel it. Yearning. Wanting. Craving. Oh! It is constantly at the back of my mind!

But don't worry. I can go without. I can go days, weeks, without. But I can't say no, and every so often, without fail, the offer reappears...

I can't help it. He is just that good.

L

under the boardwalk

I think I may be broken, and I'm not sure Home Depot has the tools to fix me.

I cancelled both of my dates last week. I just did not want to go, so I called and cancelled. Don't worry, neither of them was going to be 'the one'.

On Saturday I kept a date. I kept it for a couple reasons: 1. it was a group outing, 2. the destination was Santa Cruz, and I cannot pass on the beach, 3. he asked less than 24 hours before the time of departure, so I didn't have any time to cancel even if I'd wanted to. This date was different though. I didn't want to cancel. I had an amazing time. We made it through the 2 hour drive without any awkward pauses. I made friends with the other couple. We went to the Boardwalk, rode a ride or two, had some fattening food, and headed down to the beach. We played in the water, laid in the sand, smiled and laughed and let the waves knock us down. After dinner we watched the sun set from the pier. We rode roller coasters after dark and enjoyed the bright lights of the Boardwalk rides.

And at the top of the Giant Dipper, right before the big drop on this historic coaster, we had our first kiss. What a story to tell the kids. :)

Again I find myself in this messy tangle of 'how does this work?'. When do I know if things are exclusive? When is it safe to ask about his past girlfriends/summer hookups without seeming too pushy? What does he tell his friends? (Does he tell his friends? Oh no..) Do I really want this to work?

And if I do, then why did my heart skip a beat tonight when C texted me? I think I like this new guy (P), and I think he likes me, and we had an amazing first date, a movie couldn't have arranged it better.... but I still got butterflies when C texted me tonight. Shouldn't those be gone? Replaced?

A fortune cookie sounds really excellent right now. Or a hammer.

L

a discovery channel special

The elusive bootycall.

A nocturnal creature, most often found in heavily populated areas such as cities or college towns. It can be somewhat frightened of light, generally responding well to dim lighting or a subtle glow, such as that from a TV. Its appearances out of its burrows are generally short, not lasting longer than a few hours a night, and sometimes burrowing in hiding for weeks at a time. These creatures usually respond well to alcohol and other intoxicants. When dealing with bootycalls it is important not to make your presence too known to the creature. Do not overwhelm it as it can become frightened and feed trapped, leading it to run, find a new hideout, and never be seen again.

Beware, bootycall hunters. It is a dangerous path you walk. Oh, and I forgot to mention, some bite.

Enjoy the chase.

L

making me feel

Lesson learned, thanks to an episode of Dexter:

"It's not him that you miss... it's the way he made you feel about yourself...."

I can't help that he makes me feel wanted. I feel vital. I feel strong and powerful and sensual and gorgeous. When he's there I feel important, I feel on top of the world. I can't help that he makes me feel unstoppable.

it's not complicated, we're just syncopated, we can read each others' minds.

I am all of these things without him, but when he is with me, when I am with him, I am all of this and more. I am not only sure of myself but I am certain. I am not only strong but I am the epitome of strength. I am not only smart but I am brilliant. I become a brighter me. I glow. I shine. I light from the inside. He makes me feel just purely amazing. I am amazing. And I am so aware of it when he is around me.

this is way beyond the physical. tonight my senses don't make sense at all.

The damage he's done disappears when he's around. I give him trouble for it, but then I give it up. He doesn't charm me. I don't forget what he's done, I just stop caring. I just don't care. The glow- I can feel it fighting to come out. I can tell I'm starting to light up. I know I'm feeling that feeling that I get when he's here. And why put it off? Why punish myself? Why make myself miss out on this amazing high just because he can't behave? I shouldn't. It would be so terrible to deprive myself of this.

our imaginations taking us to places we ain't never been before.

I give in. I give in repeatedly. But I understand the consequences. The glow doesn't last forever. The smile fades. I come down from the surreal high he puts me on. The memory, though, that sticks. That sticks around to taunt me, tease me, put me back on mini-highs whenever I think of him.

All I have to do is smell the pillow.

(Don't you dare tell me to wash the sheets.)

don't even need to touch me... baby... just...

L

*lyrics from Britney Spears' Breathe on Me

craving

I can't even find lyrics to fit what I am feeling tonight.

I am overwhelmed.

I am not alone. I have choices. There isn't just one guy at my disposal tonight, there are a few. And who do I come home with? A girl. My friend who was too drunk to handle the remainder of the night. She is who I will share my bed with. Actually, I'm happy it's her.

But still, while I recount the night, count the drinks, count the guys, my mind gets stuck on him. HIM. The one guy I cannot have is the one guy, of course, who I cannot stop my mind from obsessing over. Why doesn't he want me. Why doesn't he call me. Why doesn't he seem to need me as badly as I crave him. I can't fight it. I can't fight myself.

What a horrible mess I'm in.

Fortunately, this mess is all in my mind. As soon as I learn to ignore it, it'll disappear.

...

So...

How long till I learn to ignore it...

L