my way

(Just prose, been sitting in draft form, unfinished, for too long. Needed to be freed!)

You set me free
By doing what you've always done.
What kept me here so long
Is what's giving me the power to run.
And I will.
I will run.
Because I'm not so sure how long my disenchantment will last.

You're ignorant. Mean.
You're indifferent and heartless.
You didn't try.
You let me try.
You let me fight.
You let me cry.
You let me suffer.
You let me destroy myself,
And never tried to stop me.
Where's the honor in that?
Miserable.
You are miserable.
A miserable excuse for a man.
A pathetic picture of a boy.

Someday you'll know.
And I hope it kills you to see all I saw.
I hope it gives you nightmares.
I hope it gives you chills throughout random days.
I hope you suffer through heartache with no hope of escape,
And I hope you make it to the other side.
I hope you see how strong you have to be.
You deserve to know first hand
What you had
What you did
What I loved through.

But I set me free.
I had enough. I saw the end.
You did what you did
Over and Over.
You never changed.
You never felt.
You never tried.
And I felt enough for both of us.
I loved enough for both of us.
I tried.
But not enough for both of us.
Needed you,
But that's not your style.

So while I'm feeling stronger,
While I know I can make the trip,
I'm going.
I'm letting myself feel other things-
New things and fantastic things-
Things that will give me new scars you could never think to inflict.
I've been set free by exactly what had me so trapped.
I just had to learn to sail through.
Navigate the fantastic whirlwinds that got me caught on you.
Fun at first, but unfortunate when I've stayed this long.
I can get out now.

And I'm on my way.
L

bring the wind

It's time. I'm going to stop torturing myself for now.

Here's to taking years of my own advice! I'm going to focus on what is already spectacular in my life, and say fuck the rest. I'm going to stand facing the sun and let every shadow fall behind me. I'm going to stop settling for anything less than extraordinary. I'm going to take a deep breath, count to ten, and be amazing.

"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." -Louisa May Alcott

Time to sail on.
L

facing it

Feels like it's been harder to get you out of my mind than it was to stop thinking of J.

At least J earned the months I spent trying to forget him. You didn't earn them, I gave them to you. I let you have me. Handed you my 'heart', as cliche and miserable as that sounds. Didn't even make you work for it. I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have me. I wanted you.

You got me over J. I forget that part. I so easily forget anything before 'us'.

Do you even remember that? Back then? When I wanted you and you wanted me. When we wanted each other. Back then it was a crowded, overwhelming, amazing two way street that ran unmetered 24 hours a day. I remember. Maybe you don't. Maybe that's the the problem. Maybe that's the solution.

Now I need to find someone to get you off my mind. It's logical.

Every boy I meet takes you off my mind for a minute. Some keep my attention for an hour, some for most of the night. No one has kept it longer than that. Most of the night is the record. By the time I'm home, even in the car on the way home, I start to wonder where you are. I wonder, and there's nothing stopping me from calling you to find out. But I'm always calling. I am constantly calling. You never have to call me. I'm always there.

Time to decide. Do I wait for you or keep waiting for someone?

I don't really have a choice. I've been waiting for you since I was 16. I was waiting for you when I found J. I've been waiting for you since the first time I saw Sleepless In Seattle, the first time I sang karaoke to a Mariah Carey song, the first time I held a boy's hand. I have been waiting to love someone this uncontrollably my entire life- short as that may be so far. So I'll wait for someone to distract me. I will wait for someone, anyone, to replace you. And I'll wait for you.

I've been waiting this long. I've built such a tolerance. I've become so much smarter.

And, despite that, I still want you. Either there is something fundamentally wrong with me, or I'm naturally addicted to this insanity.

Love.

I'm addicted to love.

L

over. again.

yes i know

i can tell you

i can yell at you

i can give you a piece of my mind

oh but it hits me

on the inside

a little harder every time

say you'll never be mad at me for going off on you

for my moments of infatuation

but that doesn't make it any easier

doesn't make it any better ...

to be falling in love

again

over and over

the same thing

i just need to get out

again

but i can't help falling back in

over and over again.

over again.

Oh! i know i can call you

i can hope for you

i can cross my fingers, maybe get lucky

but it still gets me

when you don't call

still gives me a shock everytime

you say you won't be mad at me if i get mad at you

for not falling into me

but that doesn't make it any easier

doesn't make it any better ...

to be falling in love

again

over and over

the same thing

i just need to get out

again

but i can't help falling back in

i just keep falling back in.

over and over again.

and then it's over again.

-L

no new nothing

This is cliche, but it must happen. Brace yourself for the review of 2009.

January: I don't remember anything super special.

February: Here either.

March: J and I broke up. R and I went to spring training.

April: Lots of crying.

May: More crying, also drinking.

June: Lived at home for 2 weeks. Started dating.

July: C and I became a couple.

August: C and I aren't a couple anymore.

September: I want to rock and roll all night, and part of everyday.

October: I don't remember anything super special.

November: Here either.

December: Same as the last 4 months.

Little heartbreak, little happiness, stir together with a shot of tequila, and we'll call it 2009.

I'm not staying up until midnight to say hello to 2010. I'm not staying up to say goodbye to 2009. I'm staying up because I do it every night, and the only difference in tonight is that tomorrow I need to put up new calendars.

No resolutions. No promises to get healthier, save money, work harder, treat myself better, be a better someone. In 22 minutes nothing is going to change! I won't be a different person, and neither will anyone else. The magic of 'new years' isn't enchanting me this year. This is the first year this decade that I have no one to kiss at midnight. Seems a fitting end.

Yea, I guess I'm a little bitter tonight. What better way to sum up the year?

I don't need an excuse like tonight to drink champagne. I'll save it for a night when I'm happy to celebrate tomorrow. A new beginning happens when I say it does, not when I change the calendars.

Cheers.

L

the fall

The guy we love to hate.

Okay, you all hate him, there is no love in that. But I can't help it. He's had me hooked for months and I can't get enough. Tonight I am going to change your minds about him. Tonight, if I try hard enough, you might begin to understand.

I don't want to make the same mistakes I did.

He saved me.

When I was drowning in tears and heartache, he dug me out of that pit of hopelessness. He gave me something to look forward to day after day. He got me out of my room, he gave me a reason to be social again, he introduced me to new friends, and he reintroduced me to FUN. It had been so long since I had just plain enjoyed myself, with no thought to how that would affect anyone else. I didn't stop to think once if my hanging out with his friends and drinking and laughing all night would hurt him or hurt us or hurt me; and it didn't. It strengthened us. I enjoyed life, and we became closer because of it. He may not have meant to pull me out of the damage that was my failed attempt at a life in love, but he did. He did. And I do love him for that.

Won't see it coming when it happens, but when it happens...

He made me believe again.

Part of me is still skeptical. Hormones play with thought processes and make you think things that probably aren't real once the sun rises. Silly hormones. But I adore those hormones. I couldn't be me without them. I am not myself when I am skeptical of fairy tales, when I'm doubtful of the 'happily ever after', when I don't trust that every piece of life is building up toward something. Without that heart-racing, butter-flying, gut-wrenching, tear-jerking, all-consuming hormone parade inside me, I'm just not myself. I am a believer. I believe in love. And I believe in love after love. And I believe in happiness in the darkest places, and darkness in the sun. I believe in light and shadows and love. Love above all else. Love is everywhere. He reminded me that I need to believe.

You gotta take the good with the bad, happy and the sad.

He opened my eyes.

With all that potential for love welling up inside me, it is inevitable that I hit walls here and there. I'm constantly spilling with unexpressed emotion, so I tend to forget where I'm going, get distracted, allow myself to be misguided. Keywords, though: allow myself. I could protect myself. I could shield my heart from all the possibilities that the world has to offer, but where is the fun in that. What good would that do me. I need to fail. I need to hit walls. I need to fall in love and bounce back and do it again and again, and again. And I need to never stop doing it! Pain is a consequence of investing yourself completely in another person, but it is one I am aware of. I had forgotten it, having spent so long in a commitment with no consequence, good or bad. But I remember the pain now. I know the pain well. And the euphoria wouldn't feel nearly as good without the pain to compare to. I hate him for reminding me of the pain, but I appreciate the reminder so much more.

If it hits better make it worth the fall.

He makes me smile.

There are days when he makes my heart ache. Days when I forget about him. Days when he forgets about me. Days when we are dating other people. Days when we exchange glances and go on like nothing happened. But every single day, he makes me smile. He brought the smile back to my face, helped me believe again, showed me what I am fighting for, and above all he is still making me smile. Maybe it isn't the typical story. He doesn't dote on me day after day, but the guys who do aren't getting responses from me. He doesn't need to call me to say goodnight every night, because I don't need to hear his voice to have amazing dreams. He is there when I need him, and I am there when he needs me. When we are together, things fall into place. We smile more, and more honestly, in an hour together just watching TV than we do in a day separately. The feeling of a real smile, a real honest-to-goodness smile, the kind you literally cannot control or keep from sneaking up on your face, that is one of the best feelings in the world. That is love. That kind of inescapable happiness must be love. I don't mean to say that I love him, but I do love what he does to me. He makes me happy. He makes me the person I used to be. When I am with him I remember who I was before the world came crashing down, and it feels so amazing to be her again. Carefree, happy, loving, smiling me. And she... me... I can't help but adore him for giving me the chance to be myself again.

Sometimes love comes around and it knocks you down

Just get back up when it knocks you down

I may not have been able to persuade you to love him, or even like him, but I hope I at least helped to bridge the gap. Don't hate him. Anything he's done to me, any pain I've expressed, I've allowed him to inflict. And I may cry and complain, but that pain is what makes love finding. If Pandora's box never opened, what difference would there be between happiness and unhappiness? There would be no unhappiness. And if happiness were the norm, how could we appreciate it? We couldn't. If all we had was constant unending love, we wouldn't know how to feel it. I feel love and pain and happiness and sadness and joy and sorrow and confusion and conflict and elation SO much more strongly because of him. He helped me start to find myself again. And he makes me happy.

As much as you hate him, please love me. Love me enough to see the value in what he's brought to my life. Hate him, if you must, because someone needs to. I seem to be incapable. But know that when I fall, I'll get back up. And I will keep falling.

So far, falling in love is the only injury worth the scrapes.

L

*Lyrics from Keri Hilson's Knock You Down

melt away

Today I checked my phone to see the last time we talked. A quick exchange, October 30th. The last time before that was equally brief, October 20th. I drafted a few messages in my head. It seems like enough time has passed that I should say hello again. How to phrase it... "miss me yet?" or a simple "hi...". Maybe cross a thin line and jump strait to "so what have you been up to lately?", but I don't want to cross too far. Too far and you may not answer. Too far and you may not see the nonchalance I'm desperately hoping to exude.

thoughts run wild as I sit and rhapsodize

I didn't send you a message. I didn't call. I didn't give you any indication that I'd spent the morning planning out the perfect way to remind you of my existence. I decided, instead, that if you could go without me, then I could certainly go without you. You don't need to text me? I don't need to text you. And so it went. I spent my day like I would any other, working, cleaning, and flushing the memories of you out of my mind every 20 seconds. How you have so much control over my mind after this long I have no idea. And believe me, I've thought about it. You must be controlling my thought processes as well as my sanity. You have a talent NASA would pay millions to bottle and reproduce. If only you'd use that mind control for good.

pretty pictures of what I'd do if you were mine

Tonight, after a particularly fulfilling night at work, one during which I was too busy to even begin to think of you. Honestly, if I hadn't looked at my phone on the drive home I might still be free of you. But instead, I looked. I looked and I had a message from you. Today of all days. Tonight of all nights. Its like you knew.

and suddenly, my defenses start to go

Do I have plans tomorrow night? I'm free after work. Would I like to go to a friend's birthday party with you? Are you all out of other options? I'm flattered. I'd love to go. You just want to dance with me? --swoon-- Count me in. I could meet you... Oh? You'll pick me up? Just call when I'm ready? Just like a real date.

I can't conceal that I'm slowly weakening

All that mental preparation. I convinced myself I wouldn't talk to you until you needed me so much that you talked to me first. And less than 12 hours later, somehow, you got the message. Do you know me that well? Or do you just know what you're doing. Or maybe you have stumbled upon some extremely amazing dumb luck in the love category. Whatever it is, it sure is working on me.

you envelop me and I lose my self control

I was so sure this morning. And just seeing your name tipped me over.

Tonight, though, I love this instability.

L

*lyrics from Mariah Carey's Melt Away

again and again and again

Oh how it kills me that you still have so much control over my emotions. You still pluck at my heart strings as though you're playing D'yer Maker at a live show in LA. It breaks up my plan of attack everytime you appear because I cannot prepare for what you have ready to throw my way. Oh how you kill me. Slowly, but surely. Every time.

You say that I'd be better off, better off, sleeping by myself and wondering...

You send me for a spin. For days I'm waiting in line, waiting for the attention, waiting for the call, and then suddenly I'm admitted onto a ride I didn't know I was in line for. Suddenly I'm being sent for a curve I wasn't prepared for. Suddenly I'm off the ground, I'm confused, I'm scared, and no one is there to tell me it will be okay. Suddenly you aren't the guy I thought I was waiting for. Oh how it kills me to have to rethink my decisions. I thought I knew right from wrong. Something in your kiss confuses my sense of direction.

...wondering if I'm better off, better off without you, boy.

Knowing all too well that I'm damaged, broken, and unable to handle any more heartache, I insist on sticking around. Of course my heart can't take anymore pain, but my ego craves redemption. I must be good enough. I am. I know I am. I am brilliant and wonderful. I am a catch. I wish you still saw that. I wish you still knew that. I wish you would notice. God how it kills me that you don't care enough to notice.

I'm not gonna stand here feeling lonely but I won't forget you, and I wont think this was just a waste of time.

So, no. I won't move away with you. It was tempting, and I wanted to say yes. I did say yes, although I hadn't told you. I won't. I shouldn't. I can't. My life cannot be an endless game of cat and mouse, even though playing with you was the most fun I've had in years. At the end of every round you steal my heart, and you don't play fair. You keep it, you hide it, and I don't get it back for weeks. You are good for me when you're here, and bad for me the other 7 days of the week. I've never loved someone so much for so little. And you continue to play. You continue to kill me. Oh how I love the way you chase me down just to kill me a little more each time. God how I love it.

but don't just leave me hanging on....

Oh how it kills me.

Again and again and again.

L

*lyrics from Colbie Callait's The Little Things