entertainment value

Confession: In the car the other morning I used my iPhone (app: Shazam) to find out what cd C had playing so that I could listen to it when I got home. Not because I liked it instinctively or found myself wanting to hear more, but because I want to be listening to what he's listening to. Thats silly. I need a better hobby than this boy.

(Pause.. moment of thought... a better hobby... really? do I reaaallllyyy need a new one? hmmm... no. I'm convinced. You're not? Pause... moment of thought....)

But this hobby can just be so much fun sometimes!! Can crossstitch buy you a beer? Can tennis kiss you goodnight? Can thinking about coin collecting keep your heart aflutter all night? (If it can, I would like to discuss that further with you... in a more private setting...). 

Yea, I'll stick with this one. If all else fails, I'm broadening my musical horizons.

There's really no harm in that. 

L 

facing it

Feels like it's been harder to get you out of my mind than it was to stop thinking of J.

At least J earned the months I spent trying to forget him. You didn't earn them, I gave them to you. I let you have me. Handed you my 'heart', as cliche and miserable as that sounds. Didn't even make you work for it. I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have me. I wanted you.

You got me over J. I forget that part. I so easily forget anything before 'us'.

Do you even remember that? Back then? When I wanted you and you wanted me. When we wanted each other. Back then it was a crowded, overwhelming, amazing two way street that ran unmetered 24 hours a day. I remember. Maybe you don't. Maybe that's the the problem. Maybe that's the solution.

Now I need to find someone to get you off my mind. It's logical.

Every boy I meet takes you off my mind for a minute. Some keep my attention for an hour, some for most of the night. No one has kept it longer than that. Most of the night is the record. By the time I'm home, even in the car on the way home, I start to wonder where you are. I wonder, and there's nothing stopping me from calling you to find out. But I'm always calling. I am constantly calling. You never have to call me. I'm always there.

Time to decide. Do I wait for you or keep waiting for someone?

I don't really have a choice. I've been waiting for you since I was 16. I was waiting for you when I found J. I've been waiting for you since the first time I saw Sleepless In Seattle, the first time I sang karaoke to a Mariah Carey song, the first time I held a boy's hand. I have been waiting to love someone this uncontrollably my entire life- short as that may be so far. So I'll wait for someone to distract me. I will wait for someone, anyone, to replace you. And I'll wait for you.

I've been waiting this long. I've built such a tolerance. I've become so much smarter.

And, despite that, I still want you. Either there is something fundamentally wrong with me, or I'm naturally addicted to this insanity.

Love.

I'm addicted to love.

L

someone else's words

I was going to post tonight referencing the songs swirling in my head, but there were too many. Instead, I referenced every song swirling in my head and built them into a lyrical story. I think they paint the same picture I might, just with a different flair and some technical constraints.

Before someone notices and makes fun of me, I have a confession. Yes, every line used in this verbal montage is from an O-Town song. I am not ashamed. These lyrics serve their purpose, and these songs have held their spot in my heart (and cd player) since their inception.

**

You and I - we're out here looking for the same thing

Waiting for someone to share this feeling

And just one look was all it took

Cos no one else compares to you

I've got this craving-

To lose myself in you when we're standing in the rain

To keeping you awake through the night

Wanna make my dreams come true?

If you could ever understand what you put me through

No stopping till the breaking of the dawn

And when the morning comes

Baby I can't stop my mind from slipping

And you're the one I blame for making me go missing

The things that you do won't leave my mind soon

Night and day and night

I would risk it all and give it all to you

Cos when you're here with me, you make me feel complete-

We fit together-

More than I ever thought I could be

And suddenly we've got nothing to say

But the words get in the way

Every minute's like a thousand years since you were lying here

My hands may as well be tied cos they just can't touch you

I'm in pieces and bits, but that's nothing you can't fix

Cos, baby, you're still my addiction

I feel like a drowning man who's still begging God for rain

The more I try to forget I remember

The radio's playing loud but it's not our song

I knock four times and pretend you're not at home

It's catching up to me right now

I was trying to give us time

And if you call that love, love should be a crime

I'm standing here all alone wishing that I could've known

You just can't walk away from the damage

Baby- won't you save me?

Got this craving for you.

**

There are random lines from random songs in random orders, so I'd have a mess of a time trying to attribute every line to a song in order. Suffice it to say around 20 of O-Towns 30 songs went into this cluster.

And I feel better!

L

so this is...

oh wow.

I just realized that I am in love with you.

So in love with you, in such an unwarranted way, that I didn't even admit it to myself until moments ago.

What am I going to do about that. I've gone and tripped myself into love. Better yet, it's a big hole of love that I'm pretty sure I'm inhabiting alone. But... ya know... as much as I am surprised at my new discovery, I am not terribly upset.

I was happy to be home and in bed tonight because I knew I'd have my choice of you-scented pillows from which to choose. I had an amazing day today because I woke up to a kiss (or two, or three) from you. You are some kind of blessing in disguise. I love every second I spend thinking of you, and I can't help but think of you. Just can't help but.

It could be a horrible realization, knowing that I stumbled, and tripped, and fell strait down into love... but I can't help but smile. Smile. And smile. Mm.

So this is love...

So this is love.

So this is what makes life divine...

mm. wow. :)

L

*Lyrics from Disney's Cinderella's So This Is Love

insatiable

like a flashback

like i'm 18 again

like i can't get enough

and i'm fine with that.

Is it bad? I spend all night texting a few admirers. I come home hoping only one of them will meet me there. He has a key, he should show up as soon as I fall asleep. He usually does. Will he?

I'm craving for you, and just like a fool, there's no way I can stop my desire...

And do I want him to? This is the same guy who decided to play games with me. I'm wise to his games now; he has no idea that I used to play harder than he does. I was the MVP of playing with hearts. Does that make mine protected? I pretend it does. :) Fake it until you feel it.

I'm craving for you, and you know it, too, there's no one that can top your smile...

I'm ready. Bring it on. I just want to feel those butterflies again. Pain? Whatever. Heartbreak? Show me. I am prepared for anything. I just want to feel the butterflies. The feeling is amazing. I almost understand the high from heroin. It is addicting. His touch. His kiss. The sound of the key in the door when I know he is the only person with a key. I can't slow my heart. I can't control it. For split seconds I feel complete.

For seconds.

Love struck.

But it's not love.

It's infatuation.

L

*lyrics from V Factory's Love Struck