tell me why

I would rather have you once a week, pretend you're mine, ignore the phone, and live this lie. I have been living it successfully for months. I have my own life 6 days a week. You have yours. They don't intersect. We've choreographed this dance perfectly. I warn you before I cross into your path. We let each other know when something new comes up. We've been dancing around each other 6 days a week for 8 months. We were living this lie like clockwork.
Until you broke it.
You took out your L-word, and you threw it into the mix. You opened a Pandora's Box of unspoken feelings. One quick syllable, one whispered sentiment, one caught breath, and my strength is gone. Like an eyelash blown into the wind- gone. It will be another 8 months before I catch myself again. It's out there now. You can take it back, you can make excuses, you could lie and cover it up... but I know you won't. You don't really need to. I'm the one at a loss.
I've been hiding my L-word for months. I've known, and I've hidden it. Why let you know that I'm thinking of you the other 6 days of the week? Thats none of your concern. I bolstered my own strength, saved my dignity, enhanced my solidarity in this relationship, all through hiding the feeling. Locking it away. Saving it. I know how I feel, I don't need to say it outloud. If I don't say it I can pretend it is my little secret.
But you said it. And an hour later I was still smiling from hearing it. I said it back. And I smiled all night long- while I was falling asleep, when I woke up from you snoring, while I was dreaming, when my alarm went off, when I turned over and saw you sleep-smiling, too. I smiled all night.
Until I woke up, realized this wasn't all a dream, and remembered that I probably won't see you for another 6 days.
Just like that, my strength is gone. You've broken through it. You had no reason to tell me you love me. You had no reason to push that envelope any further than we already had. We have an unreliable, confusing, random, completely satisfying relationship. You threw a twist into it and I don't have the bearings to straiten it back out. You have no right to tell me you love me. Especially when you know damn well how much I love you. So, why tell me?
I just want to know why.
L

facing it

Feels like it's been harder to get you out of my mind than it was to stop thinking of J.

At least J earned the months I spent trying to forget him. You didn't earn them, I gave them to you. I let you have me. Handed you my 'heart', as cliche and miserable as that sounds. Didn't even make you work for it. I wanted you to have it. I wanted you to have me. I wanted you.

You got me over J. I forget that part. I so easily forget anything before 'us'.

Do you even remember that? Back then? When I wanted you and you wanted me. When we wanted each other. Back then it was a crowded, overwhelming, amazing two way street that ran unmetered 24 hours a day. I remember. Maybe you don't. Maybe that's the the problem. Maybe that's the solution.

Now I need to find someone to get you off my mind. It's logical.

Every boy I meet takes you off my mind for a minute. Some keep my attention for an hour, some for most of the night. No one has kept it longer than that. Most of the night is the record. By the time I'm home, even in the car on the way home, I start to wonder where you are. I wonder, and there's nothing stopping me from calling you to find out. But I'm always calling. I am constantly calling. You never have to call me. I'm always there.

Time to decide. Do I wait for you or keep waiting for someone?

I don't really have a choice. I've been waiting for you since I was 16. I was waiting for you when I found J. I've been waiting for you since the first time I saw Sleepless In Seattle, the first time I sang karaoke to a Mariah Carey song, the first time I held a boy's hand. I have been waiting to love someone this uncontrollably my entire life- short as that may be so far. So I'll wait for someone to distract me. I will wait for someone, anyone, to replace you. And I'll wait for you.

I've been waiting this long. I've built such a tolerance. I've become so much smarter.

And, despite that, I still want you. Either there is something fundamentally wrong with me, or I'm naturally addicted to this insanity.

Love.

I'm addicted to love.

L

for the right reasons

The women on ABC's The Bachelor throw themselves into competition with 15+ other women all to win the heart of one man, who none of them have met previous to day one of the show's taping. The second - the very second- that these women sign up for this show I believe they give up their right to any form of logical thinking. You have to be some kind of crazy to sign up for that kind of competition with some unknown reward. Some of these girls, though, take crazy to a whole new level.

One of the girls was found to have been dating (perhaps more?) a member of the show's staff. She was removed from the show. The bachelor himself got a bit teary eyed. Here's the clincher: the other 14 girls got to crying as well. Huh? None of you just got cheated on. If anything, one less for the competition! One woman, through tears, said that she didn't think he deserved that kind of deceit. True. But you've been on one date with this man. Do you really cry for him when he gets cheated on after one date with another girl? Issues. Another woman says, through tears, that this reminds her of the deception and lying that gave her the most pain in her last relationship. I can see that. She can cry. Everyone else needs to suck it up. Put this in perspective, ladies: you've been on one date with him. He's been on one date with her. If this were real life, would this even be an issue? No. No. And I am aware that this isn't real life- nowhere NEAR real life- but at some point a step back can be a really beneficial step. These women are all going to be traumatized for life after this.

Let me be clear here, my aim is not to support the offending woman's actions, but everyone is now accusing her of having been here "for the wrong reasons" (and, alternately, "not for the right reasons"). The point of the show is to fall in love with this one man, but if her goal on the show was to meet someone and find love, wasn't she still there for the right reasons? She was still trying to find the man of her dreams.

I just have no sympathy for the bachelor. Any man with his pick of 15 women at any given time can pretty much suck it, in my humble opinion. She wasn't irreplaceable. He barely knew her.

This show drives me crazy. This is such an unreal representation of how love works, how love is found in the world, and how humans operate in general. For these 16 people though, this is how love works. And I'm going to stand by my belief that you have to be some kind of crazy to be in this for any reasons at all, right or wrong.

On the upside, this gets the crazy ones off the streets! Better chances for me. :)

L

so this is...

oh wow.

I just realized that I am in love with you.

So in love with you, in such an unwarranted way, that I didn't even admit it to myself until moments ago.

What am I going to do about that. I've gone and tripped myself into love. Better yet, it's a big hole of love that I'm pretty sure I'm inhabiting alone. But... ya know... as much as I am surprised at my new discovery, I am not terribly upset.

I was happy to be home and in bed tonight because I knew I'd have my choice of you-scented pillows from which to choose. I had an amazing day today because I woke up to a kiss (or two, or three) from you. You are some kind of blessing in disguise. I love every second I spend thinking of you, and I can't help but think of you. Just can't help but.

It could be a horrible realization, knowing that I stumbled, and tripped, and fell strait down into love... but I can't help but smile. Smile. And smile. Mm.

So this is love...

So this is love.

So this is what makes life divine...

mm. wow. :)

L

*Lyrics from Disney's Cinderella's So This Is Love