Faced with the moment of truth, I cower. Not unhappy with my own lack of courage- I think I may have made the right decision. Follow your heart, right?
I'd rather be with you, whenever, than without you all the time
I can see it in his eyes. He still needs me just like I need him, and this morning, around 6am, it clicked. I was all lined up to tell him that I wanted more, that I am over the open relationship and the random phone calls, that I want some commitment from him... but... I didn't. I don't need to. When he's here, I'm happy. When he's not, I'm happy to think of him. I don't need to have a lock on him to know that he's mine on the inside. He gets frightened when caged, as do I lately, so this completely unusual situation ... works. It just works.
And I will forgive you, whatever, just to say that you were mine
This is still such a new territory. I've been a free agent for 9 months now, and I'm feeling no pain. Looking back on how damaged I felt months ago is heartbreaking, but refreshing- so refreshing- because I don't feel that way anymore. I have a new lease on life, and a totally new appreciation for love. 5 years ago I never would have pictured myself here. An open relationship? Never. But I'm refreshed! This is so freeing. I love my freedom, and I love love.
Somehow you got me, so I put up with anything you say
Maybe it is crazy. Maybe I've convinced myself of false truths to make things work out so that I can be happy. Maybe - and here's an interpersonal communication moment - I've taken the reframing approach to the autonomy/connection dialectic of this relationship and completely redefined my necessities. And maybe I'm completely sane, and just going a new direction. Maybe that's why everything happened how it did. Maybe everything does happen for a reason. Maybe that reason isn't just for me, but for him, too. Maybe there's a big plan here, and not just me tripping over new barriers and playing with the rules. And maybe I'm crazy. Maybe it's the butterflies.
You say that you love me- we both know you don't mean it everyday
That may the very best part. 7 months later, I still get the butterflies. I still get a rush when he calls. Who knows how, but I wake up when he calls in the middle of the night- and I have a history of sleeping through fire alarms. I still want to rush home to him. I still want to put his sweatshirt on before bed. I dream about him when he's sleeping right next to me- like I can't get enough on reality alone. I miss him when he's here because I don't have the capacity to soak up enough of him to last me the time he's not here. When I sing along in the car, I sing louder, stronger, better, when I'm thinking of him. He makes me sing again. I haven't stopped yet.
When I push in, you pull out, but you still need me.
I'm happy with my decision. I don't want to lock myself in. I like where we are, in this awkward limbo between love and real life. There's a fairy tale playing out, but unlike any I've heard before. It is a new storyline. A new storyline for the new me. For the happy me. For the me with the butterflies.
All over again.
L
*lyrics from September's Because I Love You
