my first addiction

I've never been one to fall into addictive slumps. I smoked cigarettes for a while, but stopped one day because someone told me to. No cravings. No relapse. I drank heavily for a few months, and stopped one day because I needed to wake up early the next day. No cravings. No problems. I've never had an episode with drugs. I've never been addicted to anything even so much as chap stick.

I remember reading somewhere that you know you have an addiction, not just a bad habit/hobby, when it begins to interfere with your everyday life. You change plans to accommodate it. You let it interfere with sleep, getting work done, and it inevitably effects your personal relationships.

I've never been one to fall into addictive slumps, but lately I've been letting something work its way into my life in a very intrusive way. I wake up in the middle of the night and stay up for hours to calm cravings. I put off work. I reschedule appointments to accommodate the availability of it. I've been pretty good about keeping it to only affecting me, but I sincerely believe that I've hit the point where it has begun affecting my relationships. It definitely has changed the way I think, the way I feel, the way my mind works, and the way I go about my day.

But I can't say no.

The high is amazing. How can I even begin to explain it? Can I really describe being that close to the sublime? I can see nirvana, I can feel it, I can touch it. The world around me falls away. Important things are still important, but I feel at peace with pressing deadlines. Everything will be fine in the end, because I am floating through heaven and no bad thoughts could possibly interfere here. Nothing can get in the way of this.

Nothing except time. The high does wear off. Either with a crash or slowly throughout the day. The high goes away. And what then? I want more. I compromise my principles to try and find it. I am still me, but I am me on a bender. The difference is probably unnoticeable from the outside, I am not driven to shaking or hiding out or chewing huge pieces of bubblegum constantly, but on the inside I can feel it. Yearning. Wanting. Craving. Oh! It is constantly at the back of my mind!

But don't worry. I can go without. I can go days, weeks, without. But I can't say no, and every so often, without fail, the offer reappears...

I can't help it. He is just that good.

L