in between

it has been one week and four days, and a dramatic turn around from 2 days ago. 

i have gone 2 days without crying. i have written 10 pages of my book, which is not as much as i should have written, but lately every little victory deserves some recognition. 

2 days without crying. 

i bought lotion that promises to bronze me within a week. today, after one application, i am already looking darker. they've made these lotions better. i remember a day when it took a whole bottle to see a tiny bit of difference... oh the wonderful advances technology has made. really. 

today, feeling energized and empowered for no real reason, i decided to begin packing. all of my laundry was sorted into piles, loads of wash were done. drawers and closets were completely emptied into big plastic boxes according to the season in which i plan to need the contents. full trash bags of old hair products, half used face washes and lotions, broken hair clips, and old make up made their way into the proper garbage receptacle. all my clothing and bathroom products are completely packed away into plastic boxes. 

which made it pretty tough to shower and get dressed just now.

but knowing that i'm making progress, that i'm not sitting in a puddle of my own tears, that i'm that much closer to the next step of this awkward grieving process... thats worth having to dig through plastic boxes for underwear. 

totally worth it. 

L

One Week

This is one week and two days since the breakup. 

(1).. tears are coming on in bursts, not as easy to catch coming on. 

(2).. the facebook stalking is beginning. i'll need to delete him soon. 

(3).. concentrating on other things is difficult, but rewarding. 

(4).. music helps. singing helps. writing songs helps. 

(1) 

I no longer have to cry throughout the day, but the fake happy face is harder to pull off. Someone asked if I was feeling alright this morning and I said "no". That was a little relieving. Admitting that everything is not okay might be step one to being okay in the end. (No more denial?) Facing the truth is tough. 

He met someone over the weekend. She called last night. I overheard the conversation. He didn't sound happy to talk to her, but he didn't sound like he was trying to hang up either. He is moving on, or trying to. And doing it differently than I am. To each his own? I'll get there. I'll get there in my own time, in my own way. For now, I need to get further away from him. 

It may be impossible to be friends after this. I may not be strong enough. (Or suicidal enough.) 

(2) 

Facebook is horrible for breakups. Every status update, every comment, every post signals something in my head. Everything means something. That kind of constant analysis is draining. We haven't taken ourselves out of the relationship yet, as far as Facebook goes. Not ready to admit to the world that we've failed. But I cannot keep checking his page. I cannot keep watching his updates. He is trying to move on, and I need to do the same. Step one, stop the stalking. 

(3)

Focusing on work is horribly difficult. I cannot clear my mind sufficiently to get things done or to write with any certainty. If I leave the house, I get more done, but more isn't much. Nothing in my head is organized or controlled, so organizing thoughts for paper is close to impossible. 

But, once something does get written, once I do accomplish some small feat, I feel so much better. It reminds me that I'm not a failure, that I'm not without some redeeming features, that I'm not completely ruined. I need to keep writing, keep working, keep concentrating. This really is what works best. 

(4)

Leading up to this, I'd stopped listening to music. Lots of NPR. And for the first week, I had no idea what to listen to. Nothing applies. I'm not mad at him. I'm not ready to scream. I had no choices. But slowly I'm building my "get through this" collection. Found the songs that make me feel better. Waiting for them to work their magic. ... 

And I wrote a song last night. I haven't written a song in 4 years. I assumed I had forgotten how, lost my will to write at all. Last night I just wanted to write things down, and out came a song. It feels good to write again. Although, a little pointless. Only writing to get it out. And thats all I need. 

So, one week in. Life goes on. Life isn't fun, life isn't happy, but the sun came out this morning and I've heard no news that a meteor is headed for California, so things really could be worse. 

Not asking for trouble. 

L