this is my brain on love

Oh no no no no no no.

Miss independent I have never been. I rely on my parents for money when I misbudget and run into trouble. I crumble without someone to talk my problems out to on a weekly basis. There have been multiple days when I simply would have gone without food had someone not offered to bring some over. But I'll be damned if I don't try to be self sufficient. I wouldn't mind going without money. I can talk my problems out here. If there is no food, dammit, I will go without and I will not complain. But really independent? I suppose that's never been me, much as I'd like to entertain the idea.

But just like in As Good As It Gets, I have met the person who makes me want to "be a better man". (Woman, as it were.) If I know I'll see him I want my apartment to be clean. I want to take an extra shower. I want to style my hair. I want to go through the trouble of washing my laundry. I want to write papers, get published, and teach 10 classes every semester. I want to work until I could not possibly be more invested in my job. I want to go to the gym. I want to eat healthier, lose weight, build muscle. I want to be financially independent. I want to pay off my credit debt and all my parking tickets. I want my savings account to be more than the 50$ minimum. I want to be in shape, I want to be impressive on paper, and I want to be all that I can possibly be. When I know I'll see him, I kick into overdrive on a mission to fulfill my potential.

And then, when he doesn't show up, or when I know I won't see him for another week, it all goes to shit. A box of cheez-its? Sounds like a good pre-dinner snack. My thesis? Looks like a nice stack of paper to use as a coaster. Work in the morning? I'll wake up 20 minutes before and roll there looking like a mess. Paying my parking tickets? That'll need to wait. I need to save that money for trips to McDonalds at 2am. Working out? I hear sleeping burns calories.... And down down down into the funk I go.

He makes me want to be a better me. He makes me want to be as amazing as I can possibly be. I want to do it all, and I smile while I do it, for him. And when he's gone... I'm back to the sub-par version of me. I have no motivation to be better for myself.

But really... its only a problem if he doesn't show up.

L