feeling, for better or for worse

It is completely out of my system now, and I'm feeling absolutely everything.

I stopped taking my anti-anxiety medication about a month ago. I went through a couple weeks of withdrawls, which- I'm not gonna lie- were kind of an exciting experience. There were no tantrums or night sweats, no throwing up, no unbearable cramping headaches. Instead, I experienced little brain tremors. At first they feel like little 5-second dizzy spells- almost similar to a symptom of dehydration. After a couple days the spells started lasting 10-30 seconds a piece, and I felt them in my fingertips, toes, lips, and head. I peaked at around 1 tremor every 2 minutes. That lasted for 4-5 days. (The tremors weren't so exciting then as they were annoying and frustrating.) But then they went away. They tapered off and went away.

I was lucky that nothing worse happened. I stopped taking the medication because I ran out and didn't realize it until I was already experiencing the withdrawls, at which point I decided to just wait them out. Life seemed good, so why be drugged up? Right? ..right?

But it's been a couple weeks now and I'm becoming increasingly aware of all that the drugs were blocking out. They weren't just making my relationships easier to handle or helping me worry less about locked doors and alarm systems. They were making me easier to handle. Helping me worry less about myself. I haven't slept well for a week because I am tossing and turning thinking about all the things I cannot do/fix/control/negate/right/understand.

I've been in a mood all day that I cannot describe. Lies, I can describe it: anxiety-ridden. Imagine going about your day with a brick sitting on your brain and a metronome ticking an off-beat in your ear. I cannot concentrate on getting any one thing done because my mind is pressed upon by these other things I cannot control anyway. I have trouble ignoring the brick because of the ticking reminding me that I have more to think about than I can possibly fit into that moment. Before I know it time has passed and absolutely nothing has been accomplished. I feel completely overwhelmed and completely useless. I haven't felt any of this in years, and it's not been missed. Not one bit.

I think I was happier when I couldn't feel my feelings. Or, what I felt and labeled as happiness, at least, that wasn't bad at all.

It was nice, the calm. I took it for granted.

L