if only

All it takes is 5 minutes.

So many days I have an aching feeling all over my body. It manifests mostly in my shoulders, and some days burns into my lower back. It stings when I first wake up and turns into a dull ache that lasts most of the day. The days I wake up without the pain are the days I wake up next to C.

Turns out I don't even need to be next to him. He's 3 hours away tonight, but a quick text message has already lifted so much of the pressure I'd anticipated waking up to tomorrow.

Just 5 minutes, and an unlimited texting plan, and everyone wakes up happy.

If only it were always so simple.
L

ringing

Picture your life without cell phones. (Take 30 seconds to really let it sink in.) I'm guessing you are home, reading at a leisurely pace, so you may not be as worried as you could be, but keep picturing. Now, where is your family? Where are your friends? You significant other? What are your plans for the night? What are your plans for tomorrow? Do you know what you're doing this weekend? Are you worried yet? Is it wrong that I am on the edge of my seat with anticipation?

C's cell phone fell into a sink last week while I was on my mini-vacation. Accidents happen, but I am such a worrier that there is no space for accidents on my watch. C was in charge of babysitting Killer, my cat/child. Without knowing that the phone had become inoperable, I was frantic worrying about whether Killer was being fed, getting water, getting attention, still alive. I came back home a day early. Didn't hear from C for a couple days, so I started to worry if he was fed, getting water, getting attention, still alive. He showed up in the middle of the night a couple days later, all is well. But without phone access he didn't have my number, and I had no access to him aside from calling him at work and exposing myself for the unreasonable worrier I am. He wasn't worried at all. He visited Killer every day until he noticed my stuff had reappeared. He STILL has not replaced his phone, and he is completely relaxed about it. I misplaced my phone for 20 minutes and my life flashed before my eyes.

The problem with this situation isn't that I am too attached to my technology. It isn't not having access to my baseball scores or expensive device that bothers me. What is burning inside my head when I'm without my phone is that I don't know ANYTHING. Suddenly I cannot remember where I'm supposed to be. I don't have any way to find anyone who does know where I'm supposed to be. I don't know who would know. I cannot text anyone. I cannot check facebook for clues. I get lost in my own mind. C not having a phone is killing me, and I rarely talk to him more than twice a week. Still, I call his phone once every few hours to see if it's still going to voicemail. I think just knowing he has access to a phone again will calm me a little.

I know I'm not the only one. I depend on this phone for so much more than just phone calls. Look at just how many facebook and twitter updates are made by mobile devices. Even blog entries are written and posted from phones. This hyper-need to stay connected-- an unreasonable amount of connected-- has to be doing something to us for the long term. Knowing where everyone is, what they're doing, how they feel, all the time... there has to be some terrible after-effect.
Or is this it? (As I call C. I'm obviously not too worried that this is the horrible ending to the obsession.)

It's ringing. I can breathe again.
L

because/not because

Made excuses. Some for him, some for me. Decided I am love sick, willing to put myself through bad to get good. Decided his phone dies frequently. Interesting, really, as he doesn't so much answer texts. Bad battery, that phone. I could stop liking him if I wanted to. He still loves me under that tough exterior. His friends don't like me because I intimidate them, not because they really don't like me. I'm still awake because I was cleaning, not because I am waiting for a call. I have to check my phone constantly because the volume is low. If he called after I went to bed, I'd still go get him. But because I don't want him to drive if he's tired or tipsy, not because I am that dependent. I'm waiting for him because he's going to feed my cat while I'm out of town, not because I want him. I'm still up thinking about him because... because... because no one else is worth thinking about at the moment. If someone worth thinking about came along, I'd think of them instead. Nothing wrong with that. This is all completely healthy. This relationship works in its own way. Its got special circumstances; we have very specific compatibility requirements. This works as well as it can with these restrictions. I'm totally happy with this limited interaction. I'm waiting up because I worry about his safety, not because if I fall asleep I might miss a call. 

Next time I'm making excuses that help. 

L

not another girl meets boy

Stuck somewhere between La Roux's "I'm Not Your Toy" and B.O.B.'s "Airplanes". I'm either happy or not. Somewhere between a minor chord and a major in my head. I'm as confused as Lady Gaga's parents must be when they look at baby pictures. Even my body is in limbo-- the front half of me is burnt to a deep lobster red, and the back half is plain and pale. I'm awake and alert but all I want to do is sleep it off. I really do not like this in between.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
Cos I could really use a wish right now. 

My wish would be for this burn to go away. I'm pretty completely sure that if this burn disappeared, all the other things plaguing my mind would fade pretty quickly. I spent the weekend at a soccer tournament, watching C play, like I did all last summer. Sitting in the grass and watching him coach from the back of the field, run on his extremely f-ed up leg, cooly defend his keeper... nothing could make me happier for 20 minutes at a time. But once the game ends, life gets back to normal. He's just as cool off the field. He nods at me. Smiles. And walks away. He texts one word answers and I text sentences back. I crave his attention and he basks in mine. 

I've been doing this- we've been doing this- for a year. Officially for a year next Sunday. 

It's all false love and affection. 

You don't want me, you just like the attention.

Stupid sparks. Gets in the way of everything. My brain cant differentiate between anger and love, so I am trapped in this spark-heavy trap. And everyone I meet, everyone I date, everyone I spend an hour getting to know, every one of them falls short. Not because they aren't great people. They are! They're fantastic! They are all perfect catches! But if my heart doesn't skip a beat, I don't have the urge to try anymore. Someone else gets my attention for a week, but it always goes back to C. 

I'm sure thats how he likes it. I probably like it that way, too. Damn my spark-cravings. 

Prom girl wipes her tears with silver lines, and she can't get enough. 

I bring it all on myself. I know, but I like it. And if my sunburn went away, I could get back to enjoying the mess I've buried myself in. 

I just love love. I love love too much. I love it so much that every emotion wants to be love. 

But at least thats one thing I've got straight. 

L 

**Lyrics from B.O.B.'s Airplanes, La Roux's I'm Not Your Toy, and Lady Gaga's I Like It Rough.

leaving

At what point does leaving become giving up?
Maybe I'm asking because one of the most important people in my life moved across the country this morning. Maybe I'm asking because one of the most important loves of my life will not be moving across the state until next year.
But really I'm asking because one of the shelves in my closet quit on me yesterday, rendering most of my closet useless until it is repaired. My closet gave up. The shelf was about 5 feet up on the wall. Under it hung all my dresses and coats, and above it rested many rubbermaid boxes full of computer cables, photos, games, videos, blankets, towels, and more boxes. The shelf came down, and everything else fell in along with it. Now I give up.
Since I have to clean out my closet piece by piece anyway, maybe I should just pack and move. Leaving sounds like a really logical option. I have nothing to stay for, so maybe I go.
Even my closet can't handle my life right now.
L

ordinary

Not settling for less than "extraordinary" is a lot more work than I remember it being. 

At 19, everything was extraordinary. Every guy who looked my way was a step in the right direction. Every boy I fell for was spectacularly better than the last. I had a way of looking at each new love as though it were the most amazing thing that could ever happen to a girl like me. 

I lost it. 

Nothing is extraordinary anymore. Ordinary is all I can muster up. The only extraordinary moments are a select few with C- not all the time, anymore. But the point of this is not to dissect some moments with C. I'm introducing the next character in this soap opera drama: V.

V likes me. I like V more than I've liked anyone recently. We've been on 3 dates. I haven't once had to ignore a call or text from him. I don't feel like running away. I don't feel like running in, either. We are nothing extraordinary. We get along well in public and one-on-one. He is a good guy, I don't feel like I'm in danger of heartbreak. I'm not terribly worried that I'll hurt him, either. But thats not to say that I'm in this with all of me. I just think he seems rational enough to bounce back when I start ignoring his calls. 

Once again, I'm missing the spark. 

Is it settling if I wait this one out to see where it goes, even though the spark is obviously absent? Or can we just call that good sense? I think I've answered it for myself. 

It's not extraordinary. It might be a bit better than ordinary, but I've had extraordinary, and this doesn't begin to compare. I'll give it a few more shots... but then back to the war path. 

Hopefully he understands.

L

my way

(Just prose, been sitting in draft form, unfinished, for too long. Needed to be freed!)

You set me free
By doing what you've always done.
What kept me here so long
Is what's giving me the power to run.
And I will.
I will run.
Because I'm not so sure how long my disenchantment will last.

You're ignorant. Mean.
You're indifferent and heartless.
You didn't try.
You let me try.
You let me fight.
You let me cry.
You let me suffer.
You let me destroy myself,
And never tried to stop me.
Where's the honor in that?
Miserable.
You are miserable.
A miserable excuse for a man.
A pathetic picture of a boy.

Someday you'll know.
And I hope it kills you to see all I saw.
I hope it gives you nightmares.
I hope it gives you chills throughout random days.
I hope you suffer through heartache with no hope of escape,
And I hope you make it to the other side.
I hope you see how strong you have to be.
You deserve to know first hand
What you had
What you did
What I loved through.

But I set me free.
I had enough. I saw the end.
You did what you did
Over and Over.
You never changed.
You never felt.
You never tried.
And I felt enough for both of us.
I loved enough for both of us.
I tried.
But not enough for both of us.
Needed you,
But that's not your style.

So while I'm feeling stronger,
While I know I can make the trip,
I'm going.
I'm letting myself feel other things-
New things and fantastic things-
Things that will give me new scars you could never think to inflict.
I've been set free by exactly what had me so trapped.
I just had to learn to sail through.
Navigate the fantastic whirlwinds that got me caught on you.
Fun at first, but unfortunate when I've stayed this long.
I can get out now.

And I'm on my way.
L