expectations

I can't help but expect love from my mother, support from my best friends, a good night out from other friends, advice from some, judgement from others. Generally I try to avoid the friends from whom I have come to expect judgement, but as my life has been changing its course I've seen my expectations violated. Some friends have decided that the course I'm turning toward isn't the best one, whether for selfless reasons or otherwise. I've had about enough of that.

Those expectations go both ways. I expect love and support from my friends, and they expect me to be the person they chose to be friends with. Does that mean if you become my friend at step 1, I cannot be a new person at step 10? No. Definitely not. (I definitely hope not.) But at which point between step 1 and 10 is it acceptable to break up with a friend who can't handle the changes?

My goals have changed drastically in the past 7 months. My lifestyle has changed. My thought processes have changed. My priorities have changed. If those were what created a friendship, then that friendship obviously won't last through them.

Thank you, friends, for being the kind I appreciate the most. If you are reading this, you are not the friend I plan to break up with somewhere between step 5 and 7. You are the friends who may suggest that I'm making a bad decision, you might point out a better idea, you sometimes choose to look away when you see me taking a path I ought not to, but you don't judge. You are the friends who understand that everyone needs to make their own way. You let me make my choices and you listen to me whine afterward, even if you knew better. You are the reason I don't let those judgmental friends get to me.

So thank you for not feeling too much like I've violated your expectations.

And thank you for living up to every one of mine.

L

damaged

A few weeks ago I burnt my leg. I gave myself a really good second degree burn. It was pretty disgusting. At first it felt like fire. I held iced towels against it and took tons of ibuprofen. When the pain died down, it started trying to heal itself. It wasn't pretty, but you could tell that my immune system was sending valuable nutrients to the surface area to help heal the skin. It kept being not pretty. Now it isn't as disgusting to look at. In fact, it's healing really well. But it is still there. I know I shouldn't swim because it's still vulnerable to infection. I still need to put neosporin on it everyday. It is still painfully visible, and it will scar. There will always be a big scar on my leg to remind me of the time I got clumsy.

There's no physical scar to remind me of the times I've been clumsy with my feelings, with my heart. Sometimes I forget that I am not completely healed. There is no visual reminder that I need to take care of my emotional safety. I feel healed, I feel fine, and then I feel the infection setting in. I've done things to aggravate the wound left by J and since I can't see the bleeding, I don't know how to stop it. It tries to heal itself, but I can't protect it. I can't fix it myself.

So I've been flying blind for the past 7 months. I thought I was fine, healed, progressing beautifully, but I'd just been doing a good job at bandaging the injury. And now, for some reason, I'm out of gauze. It's exposed and it's catching everything that flies toward it. It stings again. It hurts, it aches, it keeps me awake, and it forces me to sleep. I can't face the pain so I have no choice but to sleep all day. I'm safer if I stay inside. It can't get worse if I never face the elements. It has to heal eventually, and I have to shelter it until then.

I thought I'd sheltered it enough in June. I thought so in July. I was fine in August. September. But October has been like pouring rubbing alcohol into cut skin. Weeks of constant, burning, unbearable pain from which I can find no escape but sleep. Maybe friends can help? Only a few. Some even exacerbate the pain. Some pour more alcohol into the cut. It's safer to stay inside. The worse the wound gets, the longer the wound stays open, the darker the scar will be. So I'm going to shelter it. Shelter myself. Hide away from the elements, the world, everything out there that makes life worth living. I'm safer inside.

So thats where I'll be.

L

letter to a friend

dear friend, 

first and foremost, thank you for being there when you were. our weekly get-togethers were a highlight to my week and never failed to make me smile. for years you never failed to offer a helping hand, an extra bed, or simply company. it seems, though, that those years have come to an end. 

dear friend, 

you weren't mine to begin with, but you insisted you were mine in the end. we shared birthdays and hard times, holidays and tears. but i suppose we were never truly each others'. you were not who i called first, and i was not who you called in most situations. in any case, i truly appreciated you and all you did for me and those i love. it seems, though, that your appreciation for me has come to an end. 

dear friend, 

hard times have come upon us again. the past month or two have given us both the opportunity to rethink where we stand both in life and in our friendship. old friends come first. this is something i support with my entire heart. my oldest friends will always be my first priority, so i completely understand where this month has led us. we've been friends for years. it seems, though, that the oldest friend inevitably wins your friendship. 

dear friend, 

i am hurt. i remember hearing that we'd be friends 'no matter what', and that even if our common bond were to dissolve, i would still be able to come to you for friendly companionship. recently, the final hard time we'll share came upon us. shortly after, those promises were broken. you said we could be friends even after something like this. it seems, though, that you didn't know the strength of your other social ties. 

dear friend, 

for future reference, when you say you will be there, be there. when you say you are a friend, be a friend. when you say you will not stop, do not stop. when you say you love someone, love them. i am positive that not all of your friendships have taken this turn, but i am determined to give you the option to keep the rest of them from running this course. if you cannot keep your promises, i suggest not making them. it seems, though, that this advice comes too late. 

dear friend, 

you have crossed a line. you have made me feel alienated in my own relationships. you have made people apologize for being my friend. you have made my grieving process 10x more intense, and 10x more painful, all in one fell swoop. you have disregarded the rules of friendship, stepped in where you should never have stepped in, and crossed every line that has been drawn in any sand. you have been the opposite of a friend since my world has begun crashing down. it seems, though, that you have better things on which to focus your energy.

dear friend, 

you cannot be a friend if you prefer to play matchmaker than help me stop crying. it is blatantly obvious that you would rather participate in the former. 

farewell. 

L