when you know

One morning, it happens.

You can't plan for it. You aren't expecting it. Maybe you've tried for weeks, for months, but you never thought it would happen so suddenly.
But then it does.

I'm caught off guard by something that should be spectacular. Cue the fireworks. I've hit the wall- the ultimate wall- the wall standing between me and the edge of my ability to reason a failing relationship. I don't need him anymore.
Finally, I can carry myself.

C,
This is bittersweet. I love you, but I don't need you like I used to need you. I am happy to wake up alone. I am content to come home and tuck myself in. I am excited about life outside of when I'll see you next. I'm not sure if you gave me this, but you didn't deprive me of it, so I owe you a couple thank you's.

First, for showing me love again. It has been a long road for us, in the grand scheme of things. You've been leading me on for at least a year. I've been enjoying it for just as long. Ultimately my appreciation for tears, feelings, smiles, and happiness has been dependent upon your provisions. Thank you for providing. Even for the tears.

Second, for breaking my heart. I may be a masochist. I thrive on heartbreak. I can't write if I'm happy. I don't get into relationships that will be stable or amicable or perfect. I am drawn to frustrating, aggravating, disturbing situations. Ours was one. I loved every excruciating minute of it. But it's run its course.
I feel stronger than I have been. I feel prouder than I have been. We haven't spoken in a week, and in that week I've written more, thought more, and grown more than I have in months. I've considered moving across the country. I've almost- check back in a week- committed to moving across the country. I've made progress on my thesis. I've cleaned my apartment and had a party for my friends. I've met new people. I've seen new things. I've flown. I've sung. I've lived.
A month ago I'd have spent that time waiting for you.

Until tonight I didn't realize how much time it'd been. It's been a while. I won't lie and say I don't miss you; I do. Like crazy. But I'm not incapable of surviving anymore.
That is a huge step forward.

I hope you know that I tried.


I never wanted to give you away 
I still love you 
but I don't need you 


I just couldn't say it better myself.
L

*Lyrics from O-Town's I Still Love You

leftover fireworks

Kids down the street are still setting off loud, obnoxious, fire-spewing noise-makers. I assume they are kids, which is in their best interest. I can't hit kids. It has been 3 days since the 4th of July. Two questions: 1) Why aren't they done with their fireworks yet? It's been 3 days! 2) Why do I assume they have to use up all their fun in one day? These kids might just be on to something.
I'm not though, so it pisses me off. I'm a user. I use everything up until I'm done with it. Immediately. Unless it- whatever it may be- decides to walk away before I'm finished, it's getting used up. This generally applies to ice cream, beer, boys, and money. Most of these don't go before I'm done. The ones that do, well, who am I kidding? If you're reading this, you know what happens to those that leave before I finish with them. They stick around. I don't let them go. They haunt my dreams and show up during the day. They appear at my neighborhood bar and know people in my classes. They walk by at the mall and their names show up in interviews.
If I don't use up all the spark I can get to, it keeps sparking. I'm not up for fire burns. I'm not in the mood to deal with injuries again. I would rather use up all the damn fireworks when they're called for, so I can move on. Give myself another year before I have to step into that death trap again.
But I've still spent a year burning myself on sparklers... I have very little room to complain.
I just keep lighting them.
L