what dreams are made of

There's the question of how much I need him. The chemicals in my brain think he is undoubtably necessary to my existence. The chemicals in my heart agree. The outside world thinks otherwise. I'd exist without him. Probably. I could be happy without him, I'm sure of that. But I'd be unhappy for a time before the happiness reappeared. I'd listen to my friends say how much I never needed him anyway. I'd meet tons of unnecessary people and be involved in many miserable, pointless relationships. Do I need those? No. I probably need him more than I need 50 more awkward, go-nowhere dates. I probably need him more than I need 2 more years of clubbing too much and crying myself to sleep out of loneliness. I want him more than I want any of that. I want him more than I've wanted anything I can remember.

He came over. He wasn't supposed to. He didn't need to. I was busy, but he said he was proving to me that he isn't as much of an ass as I think he is. I don't think he's an ass. He cancelled a date last week. I was really upset about that. I may have called him an asshole, but he made it a point to come over JUST to sleep next to me, JUST to prove to me that he is not the ass he seems to be, JUST to show me that he needs to be with me as much as I need to be with him. Every second with him feels like it was meant to happen. Like every minute, even the most bizarre minutes, were destined. Our every interaction feels... perfect. I can't think he's an ass for too long. I can't think he's an ass for a second after he smiles. 
He's leaving soon. If all goes as planned, he'll be gone by June this year. 4 months. He's asked me to go with him, but my answer remains the same; if we can't make it work here, how will being 6 hours away help? Honestly, being 6 hours away would help. But I can't compromise yet. I can't let him take me away from what has become my home just to follow love. 


Love has to be worth fighting for. If it isn't worth that, then it isn't worth the chemicals firing in your brain to make it happen. If it isn't worth the pain, it isn't worth the pleasure. Pandora's box was opened for a reason. I'm not suggesting that love should hurt, that you should feel pain in all relationships, that being in love should be a heartbreaking experience... but love should be worth feeling that for. I'm willing to go through some upset to feel the all-encompassing happiness that comes with the upside.

There's no feeling in the world like knowing he's holding me until I fall asleep. I know he's waiting for me to sleep, and I know he'll immediately turn over once I've drifted off... but thats irrelevant. He's waiting. He kisses me on the forehead and rubs my back until I fall asleep. 
An hour later, when I wake up, he's fallen asleep facing me. 
I have to correct myself. That may be the best feeling in the world. That kind of comfort, intimacy, happiness, you can't find that on the street corner. Can't find it in the club or on just any date or in just any set up. Thats the kind of intimacy that exists to make sure fairy tales keep getting written. That kind of happiness is what keeps Disney in business. That kind of comfort is what keeps me cuddling with his sweatshirt long after he's gone. 


Maybe I am too deep to see the truth in all this. He is leaving in 4 months. He and I haven't even tried to make it work legitimately since August. We've been hiding and sneaking around and falling in love behind curtains for 6 months. 
But I'd do anything for the fluttering in my heart right now.

I can't say I love him out loud. I can't say it to him. My voice won't make the sounds. But I can feel myself telling him. I can feel him saying it back. After we kiss, when both still have our eyes closed and I sneak a tiny peek, the smile on his face... thats enough. That moment, right there, is what dreams are made of. 


The decision's made.
I can't give up on a dream like that.
L

practically perfect

Found my knight in shining armor.

He's not what I expected him to be. I pictured a guy who treats me like a princess. One who shows up to both of my (completely self-indulgent) birthday parties with a new bouquet of flowers each night. I expected him to be career minded, but with a spontaneous side willing to play hooky to run to the aquarium with me for the day. I expected him to have flaws, but flaws that I find more charming every day. When I picture us together I am gorgeous without makeup, even when I'm sick I glow because he is bringing me soup. This is the man I always pictured riding in on a white horse to sweep me away from the drudgery of life.

But thats not the guy who showed up at 2am Sunday morning, opened the door as if he knew he needed to be here, picked me up off the couch, carried me to bed, and tucked me in. The guy who completed the fairy tale ending to my birthday isn't at all who I expected my knight to be, but he saves me every time.

He saves me from passing out on the couch. He saves me from drinking too much and not having a ride home. He saves me from making bad choices out of loneliness. He has saved me countless times from loneliness itself. He has ruined me for everyone else.

I am spoiled now in the most practical way.

I expect nothing, but what I get is nothing short of the fairy tale.

L

fairy tales

Those who are unlucky in love have told me that fairy tales don't come true. In fact, those who seem to have enjoyed love at one point and have become more cynical have told me that fairy tales don't come true. I've been told to stop believing in a happy ending. No love story. 

No fun. 

Oddly enough, though my heart is still shattered into a million pieces, one song that is pulling me through the difficult mornings is (don't laugh...) Taylor Swift's 'Love Song'. [The song is about a girl and a boy and their rather fairy tale romance, including a love conquers all theme with a happy ending.] 

I completely understand why I've been told to give up on the fairy tale. It is imaginary. No prince is going to ride his white horse up to my office and carry me away as soon as I finish grading these quizzes. No talking squirrels or mice are going to help me out if I'm in a bad position. But who's to say that there will be no happy ending? 

Most love songs right now make sick. Literally sick. But this song is not nauseating, it is a reminder that I don't have to give in to this disenchantment! Why keep going if there is no chance at a happily ever after? Why bother ever trying again? What would be the point of anything? 

So today I am shouting from the rooftops- or out my 2nd floor office window- Do Not Give Up On Fairy Tales. They may not really come right in the nick of time, they may not be Disney-caliber, and they may never live up to your expectations, but does anything? Don't take out your cynicism on stories about happier people. They are imaginary people, and they are truly sorry if they've bummed you out. But let them be happy, and do your darnedest to share in their joy- not because you feel it too, but because you know that the other option is to be miserable. (And I've been miserable, so trust me on this. Believing in mice who can sew is a much better option.) 

If you still don't want to believe, then keep it to yourself. Let me be delusional. Let me pretend there is a happier place out there. 

I'll believe enough for the both of us. 

L