reality bites

I'm not going to say it was the worst 10 minutes of my life, but it was in the top 25. Maybe top 20. I'd have to list them all to really get an accurate figure, and I'd rather not, since I've suppressed most of those memories already. I hope to suppress this one, too. Maybe I just need to get it out there first. I think I need to back up a little.

I'm pretty easy to get along with. Not too many people dislike me, and the ones who do... well.. I don't know them very well, so I can't be entirely sure why they do. Most of those people hang out in the same place, all together, in a place I used to spend most of my nights. I don't frequent this establishment anymore, for a few reasons we really don't need to discuss. Point is that I rarely go. When I do, I'm usually the only person there.
I went the other night. I thought, due to the empty parking lot and the lack of lights glowing through the windows, that I was late enough to be there alone. I was mistaken. I was completely mistaken. And I faced 4 people who don't think highly of me, and 1 person who apparently thinks less of me than of a termite. I'd have been fine, but that 1 person decided to make a few comments, not to me but to the room in general, which were entirely shots at me. At me. I was unprepared for the attack, and I have nothing against the speaker- well, I had nothing against the speaker- which left me with no reaction prepared but to smile politely, laugh it off awkwardly, and excuse myself from the situation before anyone could catch me crying.
But wait, maybe the comments weren't meant for me? Maybe they were just random comments? Maybe just song lyrics stuck in someone's head or inside jokes from earlier in the night? Ehhhhh... no. The first thing he said when he got outside to me was "don't listen to them. just forget it."
Complete humiliation.

But not because I was ridiculed without my knowledge in front of people. Not because I was embarrassed by his friends in front of him. Not even because he let them.
I was humiliated because everything that was said was true.
And I knew it.
And suddenly, I realized, everyone else knew it, too.

I like to think my own stupidity is my own problem- if I can deal with it, then that's really all that matters. But 10 minutes on a Thursday night rearranged that whole thought process. I'm not proud of the reality. I romanticize it in my head to make it easier to handle. He's obviously framing it his own way as well. But either way, that's what I'm living. And hearing it for the first time in that situation, when I'm obviously uncomfortable and confused and caught off guard in the first place, just makes reality that much more of a slap across the face. It is still my reality, but now it is someone else's inside joke.

Okay, I got it out there. I'm ready to suppress it now.
Come on selective memory.
L