her

I have found the common thread. 

Some days I feel awesome, and suddenly, inexplicably, my mood drops into the deep abyss of miserable-town. 

I tried, at first, to locate the source of the misery by noticing what time it kicked in, on which days, in which outfits. I gave up on wearing slacks because I was consistently saddened on days when I wore dress pants. I began wearing jeans and bright shirts on Mondays to bring me comfort and happiness enough to combat what I thought were Monday blues. I avoid contact with people of authority between 830 and 930 am, because talking to them around then has a positive correlation with my unhappiness. 

But it has nothing to do with my pants, Mondays, or 9 am. 

It has to do with her. 

Some days I see her name on Facebook, and consequently have to hide a mutual friend's status updates. Some days I hear a name like hers and have to remind myself that they are not the same. Some days I see people smiling, holding hands, looking at each other, and I know that I am not those people. The common thread isn't what I'm doing, what I control. The common thread is what I'm not. 

I am not her. 

So I am not going to wear dress pants to work. And I am going to keep wearing jeans on Monday. And I am still going to avoid authority around 9 am. I am going to keep seeking out ways to avoid random trips to misery-town,  because I can't avoid her. No matter how many precautions I take, she will always be out there, somewhere, smiling, laughing, holding hands. Happily taking my place. Happily living a piece of my life for me. 

And she has no idea.

L  

the times i remember

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

-The Princess Bride

In the beginning there were moments when I forgot how hurt I was, when the pain temporarily ceased to exist. There were times when, for maybe a minute, maybe 20 minutes, I forgot that I was abandoned by love and all I knew of it. 

Tonight I realized what amazing progress I've made in the past month. Tonight I remembered. Tonight I noticed that there are times when, maybe for a minute, maybe 20 minutes, I remember that I was abandoned by love. 

Is it better to be dripping with pain and have fleeting moments of sunlight, or to have indifferent sunlight drenched in moments of pain? At least a month ago I appreciated every fleck of light I saw; now light is light, I expect light, I take it for granted. Maybe, although horribly unpleasant, being surrounded by darkness makes the light that much brighter, that much better, that much more worth straining to see. 

Or am I just a glutton for punishment, begging for more of the pain I've been strong enough to overcome so far? I suppose I just can't get enough. More rain = More rainbows. Suppose I'm getting bored being so indifferent all the time. I'm a glutton for rainbows. 

The real challenge, and my next obstacle, will be turning the rain into rainbows. Sure the rain is good for my allergies, and the planet, of course, but from now on when I remember, I'm going to try to make it a quick rain with a definite rainbow, followed by nothing but sunshine. 

Because I know I can't fight it. I am happy that I no longer only get moments to forget, but I doesn't make it hurt any less at those times when I remember. 

Here's to the rainbows. 

L

justified

I went to Target this morning to purchase toilet paper and left with much more than just bathroom tissue. Over 100$ later- I do buy Charmin, but not even Ultra Soft toilet paper is going to run a bill up that high on its own- I returned home with movies, magazines, mothers day cards, mousse, and a bottle of lotion that promises to cut down on my need to shave my legs AND gradually create a tanner, more summery me. These purchases were all necessary, I just did not know it until I agreed to pay for them. At that moment, my brain went into "make it work" mode, as do all women's brains in the checkout line at Target, I assume. 

Here's how I have made it work: 

Movies: I purchased Bride Wars and the Sex and the City movie. Both were on sale, both are uplifting cheerful movies about having friends. Both involve weddings, but that's really the least relevant similarity. I NEED these two movies, because I NEED my friends. And, sometimes friends are far away, or busy, or unreachable. In those times, I will need proxy-friends, and these films will give me that peace of mind. These inexpensive metallic discs will be able to bring me a sense of fulfillment and self worth that, really, nothing else will be able to confer at that moment. 30$ is a small price to pay for that kind of personal enrichment. I'd have been a fool not to purchase them. A fool. 

Magazines: I have been out of the dating market for a long long time. I am behind on how people dress, how they communicate, how to start a conversation on a first date (how to get a first date...). I purchased Cosmopolitan with hopes that by the end of the magazine I, too, will know 'how to keep love strong when life gets crazy' and how to have my 'sexiest summer'. I need these things to make me vital and sure of myself before I reemerge onto the dating scene. In a similar vein, I also purchased People magazines "100 Most Beautiful" double issue. Two reasons: 1. Some of these people are not beautiful for their looks, but for their accomplishments. I need their strength to keep me going through my bad hair days. I need to know that not only my mother can think I'm beautiful, but that People Magazine can appreciate me even though I'm not a celebrity. 2. This issue boasts a tribute column to Bea Arthur, and in memory of that Golden Girl, I believe this magazine will be a treasure to me in hard times for years to come. Magazines were needed, for my sanity and self esteem. 10$ well spent. 

Mother's Day Cards: These are simply essential. Mothers are the most important people in the world, and so they deserve the very best. One for my grandma, two for my mom, because I couldn't decide on just one. She deserves the very best. These are selfless purchases, and they were very necessary. 

Mousse: I am out of mousse. I don't think this requires much justification. 

Lotion: Requires less justification. Reduces my needs to shave, and tans me? This lotion is an investment. It will save me money on razor blades because they won't be going dull as quickly since I will be shaving less. Additionally, and really most important, the lotion will gradually build a natural looking tan, saving me from skin damage, premature aging, and the risk of cancer. Can we argue with that? No. Definitely not. Because I said cancer. So, lotion, necessary. 

The toilet paper though... I'm not sure how necessary that was. 

L

the pure and simple truth

I've been reading the Between Boyfriends Book, which is a collection of essays by a woman who writes about dating. (By "been reading", I mean I started it yesterday while I got a pedicure, and thats as far as I've gotten. Just to be honest.) 

Regardless of my reading habits, the author made a really brilliant point on page 4- right up in the beginning of this book. She had me. Here's the revelation: 

Men (some) put off breakups and approach them in idiotic ways because 'they don't want to make you cry'. Thing is "we're not crying because of them, we're crying because now we have to get naked in front of someone else. It's enough already." 

Can I get an Amen? 

As a recent breakup survivor, I feel qualified to talk about the art of surviving post-breakup. (If you require more credentials, I'll send you my Vita.) At first, there are tears. You cry because the relationship has ended, because an important chapter of your life has screeched to a halt, because you are faced with a big hole in your previously blissfully whole world.

But right after that, literally right after- an almost seamless transition you may not even notice, you cry because you have to do it ALL OVER AGAIN. That reality is possibly more daunting than getting over 'him'. 

And so the post-breakup hustle begins. You go to the gym more often (which could mean once a month, but you're still going). You start master cleansing diets (lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and syrup, anyone? Slim quick? Detox tea?). You counteract all the ice cream and wine with nothing but water during the day.  You cover yourself in lotion after every shower and self tanner after every exfoliation. (Yes, you exfoliate now. On a bi-weekly basis.) You try to become your pre-relationship self because she could be naked and proud. She was hot. 

Reality check.

Unfortunately, you aren't her. And the person you are now STILL has to get naked in front of someone else someday. And that, my friends, is the truth. 

The ugly truth. 

L 

just bend the pieces till they fit

Maybe a new take on an old lyric is in order. This seems the right place to discuss it. 

Dashboard Confessional's 'Ghost of a Good Thing' 

The lyric is as follows: 

"Just bend the pieces till they fit 

Like they were made for it 

But they weren't meant for this."

Usually, I think this is horribly sad song about a love that just doesn't fit anymore, that just doesn't work the way it should. You cannot jam a puzzle piece into a hole it isn't made for. (You can, but your puzzle won't look right, and you'll have a hole somewhere else. Just a bad idea, really.) 

Now, lets look with new eyes. To do this, I need to ignore the entire rest of the song. (Doable, cos I'm a on a mission.) Is it possible that maybe these are 3 lines about making the upside seem right? Make believe that the missing piece of the puzzle is happiness. You have a piece, it isn't happiness, but if you smash it into the hole, you can have happiness, you can fill that hole**! Kind of a "fake it till you feel it" approach to the living on the sunny side.

While I can see that I'm being a tiny TINY bit irrational, and maybe also a tiny bit illogical, rewriting the meanings of sad songs to make happy songs seems like a completely acceptable practice. I challenge everyone in the world to make sad songs happy- at least one a day- for the rest of the week. If I can do it in my unstable mental state, you sure as hell can as well! 

Get to it, minions. 

L 

(**So much thats what she said. I apologize.) 

without you

It has been a few days, and life has gone on. I've made some silly choices, had some fun with friends, and done a little sleeping. All in all, it hasn't been a bad weekend, but I have begun to notice just how big a part J plays in my life. 

He was my boyfriend, my roommate, my love, but he was also my best friend. It may not have seemed like it toward the end, but when I get home from a long day what I want most is to tell J about it. I want to hold hands while he watches his show and I fall asleep. I want to know that even though I made some dumb decisions, he is still going to be there to walk me through the aftermath. I miss that safety. 

True, I need to be strong for myself. He has said that he feels like he is shielding me from the world, and in a way that's true, I suppose, but I never asked him to. All I want him to do is shield me for a couple minutes a day while recuperate from the last 12 hours. I need that. Or, maybe I don't need it, but I don't know how to operate without it. Where do I hide? Where can I go to be shielded? Where can I turn to protect myself from.. well.. myself? 

J was a voice of reason, a guiding light when I lost my way. I know this seems vague, but thats really what he was to me. He was an amazing other half. 

And tonight, I just miss being whole. 

L 

my rainbow

in 24 hours it will have been a month. 

i've been through a myriad of emotion. i've cried, i've laughed, i've screamed, i've stared, i've hyperventilated, i've gone without sleep, and i've lived. 

in the past month i have made closer connections with the people i work with than i have in the past year i've known them. i have become more dedicated to my goals. i have invested more time in my students. i have thought more about my life than i have since i graduated high school. 

i have also cried more than i have since high school, felt sicker to my stomach than i have since high school, and been more vulnerable to the sound of a man's voice than i have since high school. 

in all reality, high school sucked, but this past month hasn't been all that bad. 

i have people to call when i can't handle my feelings by myself. i have a place to call home at the end of the day. i have a plan for the next year of my life... and i feel good about all of this. i'm not the glowing, happy, shiny version of me, but i'm not quite as tarnished and wrecked as i was 4 weeks ago. 

so, although some of this may feel like high school (or like dealing with the emotions  brought on by a 17-year-old's relationship), this is much better than high school. there is a light at the end of this tunnel. there is some bright side. i will not be alone forever. someday, i am sure, i'll get to be in love again. i'm not destined to be singing 'desperado' forever. 

i made it one month. here's to one more. :) 

L